This past three months has been a very turbulent start to 2012. In January my mother passed away suddenly which I posted about here. The medical bumbling in her case still disturbs me. The ensuing and ongoing issue of the estate settlement is just a continuing reminder that my mother is gone. And that doesn't look like it will be over until the end of summer at the earliest.
I had set up an account several years ago to remind me of special occasions to send flowers to my mom. Now I get reminder emails telling me Mother's Day is coming soon and to not forget Carol's special day. Thanks ProFlowers...just what I needed. Everyday now is Mother's Day for me...I carry a small glass heart in my pocket everyday...one was given to me and each of my sister's by the hospital clergy on duty the night my Mom passed away. It is my lasting reminder of her goodness.
All this has brought up a flood of childhood memories and conversations with my siblings of the old days. It also has been a reflection for me on how fast life moves. It seems only yesterday I was 32 and being promoted to a high position in my company. I remember my boss constantly relating in meetings that "life is short and to enjoy doing what you love to do" as far as work went. He would always end that speech with how it seemed like just yesterday he was 25 and on top of the world. When you are 32 you don't quite grasp that concept. When you are about to be 56 you understand it all too well.
The bones ache a little more in the morning. Teeth give way to dentures (this past Wednesday for me). Your own mortality becomes a little more in focus. Things you did just 10 years ago without thinking suddenly have the "what if this happens while I'm doing xxxx" feeling. That creeping feeling of what could go wrong instead of enjoying what you are doing. I could see how this constant feeling for some people would actually be debilitating, even paralyzing to their life. Suddenly everything could go wrong. Worry is a strong emotion and our world today gives us plenty of reasons for it, but you can't let it take over your life.
Then there is the desire to live as long as possible. Stop smoking. Lose weight. Eat healthier. Study and digest as much as you can on natural health maintenance. Purchase a water filter. Buy organic -coated frying pans. Use fluoride-free toothpaste. Etc. Etc. It would be easy to say, "the hell with it and just live out your days the best you can". When it's your time, it's your time. Sorry, I'm not one for giving up being alive very easily. I do not know what I really believe regarding the afterlife. I find it a fascinating subject...but one that requires pure faith (optimistic or pessimistic) no matter what side of the argument you are on.
Some days I fantasize about being in my twenties again and knowing what I know now and how great that would be. Would I then be one of those "old souls" you call young people who seem to have wisdom beyond their years? Well I can tell you one thing, you wouldn't want to think like you're my age when you're 25.
Maybe reflection and remembrance at this stage of life is the brains way of exercising your memories. Careful to not let them get so deep as to dim. Firing those neurons to keep the forgetful mind diseases at bay. Sudoku and crossword puzzles may be great mind stretchers but I think I would rather take the time to explore my own mind to keep it young.
Which reminds me, I must google for a sensory deprivation chamber. And maybe some mushrooms. And the Altered States DVD. Then I'll be all set.
Thanks for listening and please share your thoughts on any of these subjects in the comments. I am interested.
See your S tomorrow....
15 comments:
So sorry you lost your mother--especially in such a troubling way. My father died last year, but he went fast and it was only the last week that really troubled him. If I die of cancer, I want to go like him.
"Some days I fantasize about being in my twenties again and knowing what I know now and how great that would be."
Ain't it the truth? That adage that youth is wasted on the young is too true!
Sorry to hear (belatedly) about your mother's passing. But reflection and remembrance are a great way for her to live on.
And so you can live on, make sure to exercise your body and mind, eat healthy(er), and if Nail Gaiman's Stardust is to be believed, capture the heart of a fallen star.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother's passing, and all the turmoil these people are putting you through.
As for the post, very inspiring to say the least. Keep up the incredible posts!
My husband's mother passed away suddenly ten years ago. It's such a difficult thing and I'm so sorry for your loss!
Wow, turbulent indeed. I wish you the best for the remaining year.
Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)
I lost my mom 12 years ago. It's hard. I don't want my kids to loose their mom at 24 or younger, so I need to take care of me. Great post.
Just don't regress to an ape in that chamber.
I started thinking about mortality when I was in my twenties and a friend from college died from aids. (Bad blood transfusion.) It really hit in my late thirties. (I didn't take turning forty very well.)
I'm not giving up being alive either. I can still enjoy living while taking care of my body so I don't spend the last twenty years of my life a shut in because I'm too unhealthy to go do anything.
I do have faith in where I am going when I die and while it will be beyond cool when I get there, I still want to hang around here as long as possible.
I'm pressing on toward 40, but I've still got a few years to spare. Regardless, I don't take my mortality lightly -- too many deaths of friends and family to allow that. I live my life with a certain urgency that hopefully won't lead to heart failure, but even if that's how things pan out, I'll know I've lived my life to the fullest. Afterlife? You're right: it's all about faith. We'll see how my beliefs stack up after everything's said and done.
This is a very poignant post. It seems to me that in western culture we don't give enough space to allow for the grieving and emotional upheaval wrought by the death of someone we loved. We get so caught up in the formalities of death--the notifications and the paperwork and the dispersal of assets--that pretty soon those around us have assumed we've moved on, and we haven't even come close to touching our sadness.
Regarding our gradual, relentless awareness of our own human frailty, my uncle used to say, "Getting old: it's not for the weak," and the older I get the more I realize how true that is.
Thank you for sharing your reflections.
Donna: Thanks. Really sorry for your dad...and just recently you learned you don't have to die from cancer (my O post). Your adage about the youth is right. I wasted large amounts of my youth.
Nate: Thank you. I am trying to do more of all those things...my next investment...FAR infared sauna. Check it out.
Chiz: One day soon I will post about the medical Keystone Cops ordeal regarding my mother's last days.
Johanna: I don't know if you read the link to the orignal post of her passing but I was actually home on vacation when all this went down. It was very hard.
Sarah: Thank you and best wishes to you!
Jessica: Yes, taking care of "self" is the first priority...otherwise you are no good to any one.
Alex: I'd be stronger if I was an ape. I think forty was a mid-life issue in a subconcious way for me. I kind of reverted back to my twenties for 3 or 4 years...then I got married! And I hope to see you on the other side where ever that may be!
Milo: Yeah forty is a big one. Problem with the hereafter...nobody has given us any real first hand accounts. Except for Ghost Whisperer.
Kern: Thank you and glad you stopped by. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. It appears your uncle was a wise man.
So sorry about your mom. That's a tough one. Been there with my husband. The pain goes away. Then you're left with all the funny and sweet memories that invade your mind when you're least expecting it. Cherish that.
As for aging, it's a sore subject with me these days. I never used to worry about until I wrote my book and felt like I had to complete with all these college-aged kids. My body's rebelling, the muscles ache for no good reason, and I can barely keep up with the grey hair anymore. For the most part, I don't mind getting older. I love the wisdom that comes with age. Makes younger folk look like total idiots. At now, as I approach 50, with my son going off to college in the fall, I can finally focus on me for a change. That ain't so bad.
BTW, thanks for your comment today. The whole renaming thing is long over. A moot point now. My publisher has only read the Tyler (not Skylar) version, so it'll be staying that way. But Skylar will always be in my heart.
Nancy: Thanks for the kind words. Maybe I could never be a widely accepted writer...critics are irritating and have an over-inflated opinion of what THEY think the public wants. That's why I laugh at critically panned movies (like my upcoming W post). I seldom care what others think of a show...if it entertains me that's all that counts. You might want to read the "review" I did of CassaFire...
http://apackalipsnow.blogspot.com/2012/03/todays-apocalypse-sign-cassafire-book.html
I am so sorry for the those of your mother. Try to think of those little ProFlower reminders (that seem impossible to get off of) as little hellos from your mom reminding you that she is still with you.
Also, it is very hard not to look back and the past, remember who we were, what we could have been, and what we should have appreciated more. However, there is nothing we can do about those things. I am younger than you (37), but I was in a terrible car accident when I was 21 that turned my world upside down. I had to let go of the person I used to be and accept the person I was (am). Like I said, you can't change the past, BUT you can take that knowledge and appreciate the things you have now that you might have taken for granted if it weren't for the knowledge you gained. Try not to pine for the past, but rather set up goals and plans for the future so that you can look forward to how amazing that can be:)
What a thought-provoking post. Sorry to hear about your mum and I hope everything gets sorted out, it's hard enough without all the paperwork.
I can imagine the sense of urgency in life increases with age. I'm 31 and I already wish I'd taken writing seriously early, but you don't think there's any rush to anything when you're in your 20s. Just as long as you enjoy it, being obsessed with our own mortality could certainly have a detrimental effect.
Hi Chuck .. I guess I got lucky - after my mother's strokes .. she could talk and 'had decided not to die' .. so she's still here today - five years on - fortunately looked after in a Nursing Centre. Family has not been easy .. and I go every day to see my mother and have therapists who visit for the other half - ie so she gets two visits a day.
Earlier on I had my mother and my uncle and those were 16 hour days .. my mother was much more talkative then and my uncle was fine - sadly he did die.
My father died suddenly ..
I've learnt loads - and am still learning and that's what I take from the set of circumstances that put me in this position.
Rationalising the whys and wherefores sometimes is too much - but I think I've been lucky in being able to do so.
I feel for you - those letters that come .. that's just 'cruel and insensitive' .. but sadly a way of techie life ..
My thoughts are with you .. cheers for now .. Hilary
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