Today's Apocalypse Sign: Bathroom Reading Can Be Harmful To Your Health

Like most guys I enjoy a good leisurely reading session in the bathroom. It is a quantum of solace you can rarely find anywhere else. You are almost assured to be left alone. No one to talk to. Just you and a good book/magazine/catalog.

I have a tendency to read through most of my bathroom magazines pretty quickly. The one exception is the stupidly over-sized GQ editions. You can build up a good tone in your biceps in the time it takes to get through that monstrosity. But this is not about GQ-training.

This is about a regular size magazine (one I get and read each month is Golf Magazine). I always finish them long before another issue arrives. Sometimes I am stuck in the bathroom with only completely read material. The other day I actually started reading some of the ads in the Golf Magazine as I had read the articles like three times. I opened the magazine right at the obligatory ED ad for Viagra. What the hell, I dove right in!

This was a full page ad that had a picture of a healthy looking black man maybe in his 40's sitting in a pensive state with the wording:

"You may be a man of FEW WORDS but you know how to make them count."
"When there's something worth saying, you say it."

"So if you're like millions of men who have some degree of erectile dysfunction (ED) talk to your doctor. Ask about VIAGRA,America's most prescribed ED treatment. 20 million men already have."

With every age comes responsibility. Important safety information.

Now comes the typical broad-spectrum warnings about taking Viagra and making sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.

The one that always cracks me up is, "if you experience a sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing call your doctor immediately." I'll pause for a second to let that one sink in. Okay time's up...if you can't see or hear, how the hell are you calling the doctor!!!

Anyway, all that is pretty typical so far for these ads, then there is always a back page that contains more detail. This is basically what you get on the sheet they staple to your prescription bag when you pick it up at the pharmacy. This is the new area of reading I discovered.

First you learn how to pronounce the product (vi-AG-rah) and its chemical name (sildenafil citrate).

Next you are warned again about not using if you are taking nitrates (could kill you).

Then the actual definition of erectile dysfunction (just in case you were not sure) "means a man cannot get or keep an erection." { Make sure you are not causing it by watching Biggest Loser or Jersey Shore. Both are known to create temporary ED}

Now it's time for About Viagra:
VIAGRA is used to treat ED in Men (as opposed to women??) When you want to have sex. (no kidding)
VIAGRA can help you get and keep an erection when you are sexually excited. You cannot get an erection just by taking the pill.
VIAGRA does not cure ED. (do you think Pfizer wants you to keep coming back?)
VIAGRA does not protect you or your partner from STD's. You will need to use a condom. (Killjoy).
VIAGRA is not a hormone or aphrodisiac.

Do NOT take Viagra if you use some street drugs, such as "popper" (amyl nitrate). (So gay men should not use the big V??)

Before you Start VIAGRA
Tell your doctor if you have ever had:

A deformed penis, Peyronie's disease (WTF?), or an erection lasting more than 4 hours (woohoo!).

Tell Your Doctor About All Your Medicines
Including other methods to cause erections such as pills, injections, implants or pumps. (And you thought just telling your doctor you had ED was embarrassing.)

Then the lovely side effects of VIAGRA

Headache ("Not tonight honey, I have a headache??)
Feeling flushed (result of orgasm??)
Upset stomach (does "coyote ugly" ring a bell?)
Trouble telling blue from green (this may only be bad in Avatar)
Blurred vision (the Viagra or the Tequila??)
Sudden loss of sight (see Upset Stomach above)
Sudden loss of hearing  (if you are married you may want to enjoy this one for a while even if you have to "fake it")
Heart attack, stroke, irregular heart beat, oh yeah, and DEATH!

How To Take Viagra:

One hour before sex
Orally (WTF?)
Only once a day



I think I had ED, once I got done reading this ad. For sure my legs were numb. Maybe I need a padded toilet seat.

Today's Apocalypse Sign(s): Monkeys, Viagra, and Obama (Not All Together)

MONKEYS

Yesterday I found myself wondering the way I always do (when you're riding 16 hours and there's nothing much to do...what??? Bob Seger???) and then I hear outta the corner of my ear "Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has his own Facebook page". I stopped, rewound live TV (how did we ever live without being able to do THAT!), and watched as they showed a picture of the Facebook page for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay. Go and give it a read. This monkey has over 47,539 fans. It was like all my monkey dreams coming true at once and also extremely unsettling.

I must confess, almost anything and everthing to do with monkeys makes me laugh. Except for the snuff film I saw once that showed people popping the cap off a monkey skull and eating the brains with little tiny spoons. That was just creepy. But everything else involving monkeys I find hilarious.

We even call our Boston Terrier, Caesar, our "little monkey":

Kinda looks a little monkey-like right?

We even have a stuffed monkey (toy not real) that we take on vacation sort of like the roaming gnome commercials.

But the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is the greatest thing yet! They claim the Rhesus Macaque monkey that is running loose in the Tampa Bay/St Petersberg area of Florida may be a decendent to the monkey used in the original Tarzan movie!

Here is the meat of this story: this Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay (I just like writing and saying that!) has evaded authorities for over 2 years!!

They tranquilized it once but it threw its own shit at the guy that shot him and then climbed to the top of the tree to sleep it off. When the drug wore off, he made like Tarzan and got the hell outta there! He now is like a freakin' Monkey Robin Hood, stealing fruit and partying in people's backyards when they aren't home.

Now my question has to be, how are we to believe the authorities can catch terrorists in this country if they cannot even catch a lone primate? They have sent law enforcement, animal control, private bounty hunters (how weird is that)...nothing doing. They know roughly where he is, it is the same 50 square mile area since he was first spotted. They even have said it is quite possibly a previous pet monkey due to the fact that it has been seen looking both ways before crossing the street! WTF!!!

This monkey is making a fool of the authorities. I mean two years?? A blind squirrel finds an acorn more often than that. Maybe we should send a blind squirrel...naaah, nevermind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

VIAGRA

Here is a reprint of an article from redstate.com
Democrats in the Senate say they are so committed to passing the House’s version of health care
reconciliation fixes verbatim, that they are willing to vote against even the most alluring and unobjectionable of amendments — from legislation banning Viagra for sex offenders to language adding the long-elusive public option.


In what is the final act of the health care reform saga, the Senate on Tuesday began debating reconciliation fixes that the House of Representatives passed two days prior. The process includes a period of what could be unlimited amendments, during which it is widely expected that Republicans will try their best to get the legislation changed.


The idea is that by securing even a slight adjustment in the language, the Senate will have to send the bill back to the House of Representatives for reconsideration. Drawing out the process makes it more likely for it to be tripped up.


On Tuesday, the GOP put its strategy into action, with Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okl.) introducing an amendment beyond agreeable. Titled “No Erectile Dysfunction Drugs To Sex Offenders” it would literally prohibit convicted child molesters, rapists, and sex offenders from getting erectile dysfunction medication from their health care providers.


While it will undoubtedly be difficult for Democrats to vote against the measure (one can conjure up the campaign ads already), the party plans to do just that.


“Democrats in the Senate are very unified that this is not going back to the House,” Sen. Wyden (D-Ore.) told the Huffington Post on Tuesday, minutes before the Coburn amendment was introduced.


The coming votes in the Senate on the GOP’s many amendments, including the attempt to ban the provision of viagra to sex offenders, are sure to provide some entertaining political theater and perhaps form the basis for a campaign ad or two against Senate Democrats who are up for reelection in 2010.

In a related monkey story:

                     See No Evil          Hear No Evil     Speak No Evil

What I want to know about this is why was it ever okay to give sex offenders Viagra?? Do a Google search for "sex offenders banned from viagra" and you will get 74,000 hits that will for sure make you see this as the most recent sign of the apocalypse. I have no more words for this stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

OBAMA

                          

Oh God please make me stop laughing! When I saw this commercial on TV for the first time I thought Holy Shit! Al Sharpton was going to have another 15 minutes of fame. I am sure this was not endorsed by the NAACP or the Muslim community. I knew it was early in the day but I felt kind of dislocated like I was watching a SNL skit. This is the real shit though.

Here is an article from the Chicago Sun Times addressing the decision by Walgreens to pull this product from their shelves:

Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores, and the decision leaves about 200,000 of the pottery plant kits in a West Side Chicago warehouse.


The Deerfield-headquartered drugstore chain made the move Friday after getting a few complaints about the item since the product's April 1 launch, a spokeswoman said.


Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores after receiving several complaints.






Chia founder Joseph Pedott -- a Chicago native whose San Francisco-based Joseph Enterprises provides local jobs for the disabled -- said he was inspired to create the Obama head as a show of patriotism.


Pedott, a middle-aged white man, was nervously surveying black women about the product at the Home and Housewares Show in Chicago just two days before the two versions -- a "determined" Obama and a smiling Obama -- hit the stores.


The $19.99 Chia Obama, which sprouts foliage in the space where hair would be, is still available at chiaobama.com, but Pedott said he's trying to find another large brick-and-mortar retailer to sell the item.


The product is the second Chia offering to be based on a person; the company produced a promotional item for Mr. T.


Cheryl V. Jackson

This was funny before the last sentence...Mr T made it hilarious! Who could be next to take their place in chia pet history next to Obama Chia and Mr. T Chia.

I would really like to know the results of those product surveys. Also you can apparently pick up one of the 200,000 leftovers cheap, as a stocking stuffer for next Christmas.

Maybe these three topics weren't as non-related as I first thought.

Oh well, monkeys still make me laugh!

PS. Thanks again Pat for the award!