I first want to thank Pat Tillett for the recent award he graced me with. The White Russian Award proudly resides in its permanent place at the top left side bar. The Dude says so. You must check out Pat's blog, his stories and photos rock! Secondly, it must have been karma that I got an award symbolic of one of my all-time favorite movies.
The following vignette is a tribute to The Big Lebowski. Not all movies can be boiled down to their bare essence and literally summed up in a one word, two-minute montage. About a minute twenty seconds in, I start rolling and can't stop until the end. I give you:
The Fucking Short Version
Was that great or what! Doesn't even seem like a swear word now does it? Thanks again Pat...you're the best!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: Graphs For Your Holiday Weekend Fun
Well the graph bug bit me and I decided to make a couple of my own graphs. I also made a graph based on a comment by one of my new followers WannabeVirginia W and included another well-known blogger Dick. Both have had current rants about drivers on the road.
I also made one for those of us with office jobs. And since the Mayan calendar count-down on the right side-bar is central to my theme, I grabbed a Mayan Calendar graph.
First three graphs are mine (borrow them if you like), the fourth is taken from another.
see more Funny Graphs
Have a great holiday weekend and be safe! I'll be working....bastards!
I also made one for those of us with office jobs. And since the Mayan calendar count-down on the right side-bar is central to my theme, I grabbed a Mayan Calendar graph.
First three graphs are mine (borrow them if you like), the fourth is taken from another.
see more Funny Graphs
Have a great holiday weekend and be safe! I'll be working....bastards!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Todays Apocalypse Sign: Smurfs Get All The Best Jobs!
You remember those little blue muchkins running around on Saturday morning yelling, "Papa Smurf, Papa Smurf!!" Well if you have wondered what they have been up to, let me tell you...they went underground and now they have the best freakin' jobs!
For example:
(Disclaimer: if you are easily offened by tasteful nudity, then exit stage left. Otherwise see what those little bastards have been up to)
Think of it as a small Thanksgiving turkey (pre-stuffing) if that helps...
For example:
(Disclaimer: if you are easily offened by tasteful nudity, then exit stage left. Otherwise see what those little bastards have been up to)
Think of it as a small Thanksgiving turkey (pre-stuffing) if that helps...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Death Of Jack Bauer
Well last night was the series finale of the mega-hit TV show 24. If you have never watched or gotten into this show (if you ever watched you HAD to get into it) then I invite you to pick up season one and start watching. Every season was riveting in its own respect but season one...wow! what a take off!. You will be hooked!
The funny thing was, I wasn't able to watch the first three episodes in real time (like that smooth reference?) so I had to video tape them. Yeah, back in the days before DVR's were all the rage I had to tape the show! Then I sat down on Thanksgiving morning 2001 and watched all three of the first episodes one right after the other (remember the pain of having to fast-forward through commercials on tape??). Then I woke my wife up all excited like a kid at Christmas and watched all three shows again with her.
Oh. My. God. We were hooked like a crack addict. The intensity of the show just continued to build. Changing time slots, starting the season in January, nothing derailed this show for eight seasons. It has been a rock-solid thrill ride each and every year. While Lost was leaving me to mind-bending what the hell is going on moments, 24 was an action movie on full tilt that you never wanted to end. If you don't like this show, then you can only be into chick flicks (ladies, I include you in this as well). This is (was) a balls to the wall action-drama.
Do you want to know the truest test of a hit show...they do not stop showing new episodes during March Madness. Period. 24 straight. new. shows. No fluff, no filler, no breaks.
Chuck Norris, and I'm a fan, has nothing on Jack Bauer. In fact Jack has escalated to needing only a one-name reference....Bauer...and everyone knows who you are talking about. Unless they are into the aforementioned chick flicks.
Bauer is more badass than any action character portraying real life abilities has ever been. No Kung-Fu or superpowers, just pure badass ability and smarts galore. All in the face of insurmountable odds and generally being thought of as the bad guy.
Jack is like a weapons-grade McGyver. To whit: would McGyver ever gut a Russian hit man simply to retrieve a phone SIM card he had swallowed? I think not. Norris either (although a swift round-house kick to the gut might have expelled it without killing the man, maybe).
I leave you with just the fact that it is the one show I am sad I will not be watching next January. Here is a pretty cool interview with Jack Bauer, give it a listen...
And the sound that will never be forgotten....
Good luck Jack, wherever you are....can't wait for the movie!
The funny thing was, I wasn't able to watch the first three episodes in real time (like that smooth reference?) so I had to video tape them. Yeah, back in the days before DVR's were all the rage I had to tape the show! Then I sat down on Thanksgiving morning 2001 and watched all three of the first episodes one right after the other (remember the pain of having to fast-forward through commercials on tape??). Then I woke my wife up all excited like a kid at Christmas and watched all three shows again with her.
Oh. My. God. We were hooked like a crack addict. The intensity of the show just continued to build. Changing time slots, starting the season in January, nothing derailed this show for eight seasons. It has been a rock-solid thrill ride each and every year. While Lost was leaving me to mind-bending what the hell is going on moments, 24 was an action movie on full tilt that you never wanted to end. If you don't like this show, then you can only be into chick flicks (ladies, I include you in this as well). This is (was) a balls to the wall action-drama.
Do you want to know the truest test of a hit show...they do not stop showing new episodes during March Madness. Period. 24 straight. new. shows. No fluff, no filler, no breaks.
Chuck Norris, and I'm a fan, has nothing on Jack Bauer. In fact Jack has escalated to needing only a one-name reference....Bauer...and everyone knows who you are talking about. Unless they are into the aforementioned chick flicks.
Bauer is more badass than any action character portraying real life abilities has ever been. No Kung-Fu or superpowers, just pure badass ability and smarts galore. All in the face of insurmountable odds and generally being thought of as the bad guy.
Jack is like a weapons-grade McGyver. To whit: would McGyver ever gut a Russian hit man simply to retrieve a phone SIM card he had swallowed? I think not. Norris either (although a swift round-house kick to the gut might have expelled it without killing the man, maybe).
I leave you with just the fact that it is the one show I am sad I will not be watching next January. Here is a pretty cool interview with Jack Bauer, give it a listen...
And the sound that will never be forgotten....
Good luck Jack, wherever you are....can't wait for the movie!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Lost Weekend
No, not this Lost Weekend but this Lost Weekend
“LOST” SERIES FINALE EVENT SET FOR SUNDAY, MAY 23 ON ABC
Finale to Air on a Special Night, Sunday, May 23 from 9:00-11:00 p.m., ET,
Preceded by a Recap Special from 8:00-9:00 p.m., ET
(The above already is a lie because the Recap part is a two-hour special from 7PM to 9PM ET)
This show has inspired people to push little old ladies and screaming babies out of the way so as not to miss the "15 minutes after the hour" start time (obviously so you can Tivo the show and starting it at that time allows you to miss all the commercials). I apologize for insulting those who know this fact as second nature but trust me, there are still people living in caves out there.
I have been a loyal follower of Lost since it first came on the air, as many of you have been. I also, like many people I suppose, wondered if this was going to be a very updated version of Gilligan's Island or was there to be more to it. Unlike Gilligan's which had two very hot babes and some good slapstick comedy, Lost was a tragedy from the beginning. So it immediately in my head begged the question, how long can this go on?
Two hot babes and slapstick comedy can go on for years and never wear itself out. Twenty years after Gilligan's ended there were still endless drunken bar debates on who (Ginger or MaryAnn) you would take out behind the wood pile first. Right? Thought so. And...your answers changed depending on your mood on any given night, right again. Then there was the whole, "the Professor is gay" conspiracy and was Gilligan just a retarded monkey. Good times.
But Lost had that reality-show touch and allowed us to put ourselves into the show continually in what I call, "what would I do if it was me" scenarios. Clearly that many people surviving a plane crash could have and probably would have turned into a beach version of the cannabalistic movie Alive. But then again maybe not.
The casting of the characters in Lost was perfect and that made the show most of what is has been. It did however get a little weird for me when people started to seemingly leave the island and then come back to the island.
I never did fanatically follow to extent that I would use the internet or podcasts to try and decipher each weeks show...maybe I should have.
The last couple years, watching Lost went something like this from the beginning of the season:
1. Watch this week's episode. Discuss various occurrences (sometimes during the show courtesy of rewinding live action) with my better half.
2. Watch #1 above the next week before the new episode so as to read all the little tags at the bottom of the screen to see if discussions of various occurrences were a victory for me or my better half.
3. Watch new episode and repeat actions in #1 above.
4. Repeat 1 - 3 for the rest of the season.
This last season we have taken to recording two weeks of episodes and watching them both on the Thursday night after the most recent episode...and THEN repeating that process through this week. This weekly choreography of television watching (by millions of people of course) I suspect is the cause of many recent problems in society (economic problems aside of course). If we were being watched by aliens (Hulu commercial??) performing these weekly rituals around a talking box what would they think? Maybe we are...
Some people are hosting huge Lost watching parties like this one. Whole bars are devoted to the show each week. Some people are going all out to keep it real. And finally a Lost party planning primer. Gotta love the Dharma toilet paper wrapper.
Here is the super Lost link. View too long and YOU might end up on an island.
News Flash!!! The Finale has been expanded by an additional 30 minutes. This adds to the 2 hour introspective preceeding the finale as well as the rebroadcast of the pilot episode tonight! That's 5 1/2 hours of Lost this weekend. As close to an overdose as you can get...
And now that I have lost my train of thought while looking for a stupid link for the bar line above, I shall end this as mysteriously as the show is....two words:
Dharma Time
“LOST” SERIES FINALE EVENT SET FOR SUNDAY, MAY 23 ON ABC
Finale to Air on a Special Night, Sunday, May 23 from 9:00-11:00 p.m., ET,
Preceded by a Recap Special from 8:00-9:00 p.m., ET
(The above already is a lie because the Recap part is a two-hour special from 7PM to 9PM ET)
This show has inspired people to push little old ladies and screaming babies out of the way so as not to miss the "15 minutes after the hour" start time (obviously so you can Tivo the show and starting it at that time allows you to miss all the commercials). I apologize for insulting those who know this fact as second nature but trust me, there are still people living in caves out there.
I have been a loyal follower of Lost since it first came on the air, as many of you have been. I also, like many people I suppose, wondered if this was going to be a very updated version of Gilligan's Island or was there to be more to it. Unlike Gilligan's which had two very hot babes and some good slapstick comedy, Lost was a tragedy from the beginning. So it immediately in my head begged the question, how long can this go on?
Two hot babes and slapstick comedy can go on for years and never wear itself out. Twenty years after Gilligan's ended there were still endless drunken bar debates on who (Ginger or MaryAnn) you would take out behind the wood pile first. Right? Thought so. And...your answers changed depending on your mood on any given night, right again. Then there was the whole, "the Professor is gay" conspiracy and was Gilligan just a retarded monkey. Good times.
But Lost had that reality-show touch and allowed us to put ourselves into the show continually in what I call, "what would I do if it was me" scenarios. Clearly that many people surviving a plane crash could have and probably would have turned into a beach version of the cannabalistic movie Alive. But then again maybe not.
The casting of the characters in Lost was perfect and that made the show most of what is has been. It did however get a little weird for me when people started to seemingly leave the island and then come back to the island.
I never did fanatically follow to extent that I would use the internet or podcasts to try and decipher each weeks show...maybe I should have.
The last couple years, watching Lost went something like this from the beginning of the season:
1. Watch this week's episode. Discuss various occurrences (sometimes during the show courtesy of rewinding live action) with my better half.
2. Watch #1 above the next week before the new episode so as to read all the little tags at the bottom of the screen to see if discussions of various occurrences were a victory for me or my better half.
3. Watch new episode and repeat actions in #1 above.
4. Repeat 1 - 3 for the rest of the season.
This last season we have taken to recording two weeks of episodes and watching them both on the Thursday night after the most recent episode...and THEN repeating that process through this week. This weekly choreography of television watching (by millions of people of course) I suspect is the cause of many recent problems in society (economic problems aside of course). If we were being watched by aliens (Hulu commercial??) performing these weekly rituals around a talking box what would they think? Maybe we are...
Some people are hosting huge Lost watching parties like this one. Whole bars are devoted to the show each week. Some people are going all out to keep it real. And finally a Lost party planning primer. Gotta love the Dharma toilet paper wrapper.
Here is the super Lost link. View too long and YOU might end up on an island.
News Flash!!! The Finale has been expanded by an additional 30 minutes. This adds to the 2 hour introspective preceeding the finale as well as the rebroadcast of the pilot episode tonight! That's 5 1/2 hours of Lost this weekend. As close to an overdose as you can get...
And now that I have lost my train of thought while looking for a stupid link for the bar line above, I shall end this as mysteriously as the show is....two words:
Dharma Time
Friday, May 21, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: Graphs To Get You Through The Weekend
Here are 5 graphs to help jumpstart your weekend party!
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
These are all so true...what would you like to see graphed? Let me know in the comments.
Have a great weekend!
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
These are all so true...what would you like to see graphed? Let me know in the comments.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Chupacabra IS Real...Dead
One of my favorite episodes on one of my favorite shows (X-Files) had to do with the legendary and mysterious Chupacabra. There were all sorts of unexplained mutilations and killings in a foggy river bottom that served as a makeshift tin and wood housing settlement for impoverished Mexican families. The fear and panic spread and whispers of the Chupacabra began to circulate throughout the community. But stranger findings brought in the X-Files team of Mulder and Scully to solve the case.
Living in Texas, you can imagine that the legend is ripe in the Mexican community. Closer to the border I suspect can found true believers in the creature.
Now, 60 miles north and west of Ft. Worth, TX in a small lakeside community called Runaway Bay, there appears to be a surfacing of the Chupacabra legend.
Not only that, but this city has voted the Chupacabra as their mascot! They have T-shirts made showing this evil looking thing holding a golf club standing in a shower of fireworks next to a golf flag with the number 14 on it. All of the last sentence will be clear once you get to the end of the post.
This next statement tells you all you need to know about this community: One lady when interviewed for this story said, "We are already internationally famous...we were on Google". Newsflash! Every-freakin-thing is on Google!!! No stretch then that she is the same person who came up with the idea for the mascot.
Enjoy the following romp through the story of the Runaway Bay Chupacabra...
RUNAWAY BAY, TX – A man in Texas found what he believes to be a chupacabra on a golf course!
Tony Potter was on the Runaway Bay golf course when he noticed something lying near hole 14. Upon closer inspection, it was a dead, unknown creature!
It is a brown, hairless animal with inch-long toes, curved claws, long hind legs and oversize canine teeth.
“This is a weird little critter,” Potter said. “This is not a coyote. This is not a dog.”
It has none of the accompanying lesions that occur with mange, the usual explanation for debunking chupacabra findings. Unsure of what it was, he took it to a veterinarian, who also was unable to identify it.
Chupacabra sightings generally occur in the States in Texas. Potter believes this specimen is a juvenile male.
Fort Worth has the historic Stockyards. San Antonio has the Alamo. Runaway Bay has the chupacabra.
That's right. The chupacabra. The legendary goat-sucker.
On Tuesday night, the Runaway Bay City Council passed a resolution that would make the chupacabra the city's official mascot.
"We take the business of Runaway Bay seriously," Greg Leveling, city administrator. "We saw an opportunity to have a little fun with the situation that happened here in January, and it's taken on a life of it's own."
Someone found the carcass of a hairless, odd-looking beast on the 14th hole of city's golf course in January. When pictures were published in the Wise County Messenger, residents started saying the creature looked like the famed chupacabra.
Animal experts later said the beast was really just a diseased raccoon. But Runaway Bay residents say the attention was great for the city.
"We are already internationally famous," Beth Anderson said. "We were on Google."
The council credited Anderson with the idea to name the chupacabra the city's mascot.
City leaders plan to put an image of the animal on T-shirts that will be sold at the annual Independence Day celebration. Leveling said some of the proceeds from the T-shirt sales would help Runaway Bay Alliance, a local charity.
The city resolution also protects the chupacabra. Residents joke that that's a good thing, -- just in case any others are in the area.
"I have great concern for the little critter. Actually, I think I have a den of them behind my house, and I was quite worried because we do have hunters in the neighborhood," Anderson said with a grin.
"This community started as 'run away to Runaway Bay,'" Leveling said. "What I can tell you is, when you run away to Runaway Bay, you have a better than average chance of finding the dreaded and legendary chupacabra."
I believe the difficult back nine did the poor bugger in...
Living in Texas, you can imagine that the legend is ripe in the Mexican community. Closer to the border I suspect can found true believers in the creature.
Now, 60 miles north and west of Ft. Worth, TX in a small lakeside community called Runaway Bay, there appears to be a surfacing of the Chupacabra legend.
Not only that, but this city has voted the Chupacabra as their mascot! They have T-shirts made showing this evil looking thing holding a golf club standing in a shower of fireworks next to a golf flag with the number 14 on it. All of the last sentence will be clear once you get to the end of the post.
This next statement tells you all you need to know about this community: One lady when interviewed for this story said, "We are already internationally famous...we were on Google". Newsflash! Every-freakin-thing is on Google!!! No stretch then that she is the same person who came up with the idea for the mascot.
Enjoy the following romp through the story of the Runaway Bay Chupacabra...
RUNAWAY BAY, TX – A man in Texas found what he believes to be a chupacabra on a golf course!
Tony Potter was on the Runaway Bay golf course when he noticed something lying near hole 14. Upon closer inspection, it was a dead, unknown creature!
It is a brown, hairless animal with inch-long toes, curved claws, long hind legs and oversize canine teeth.
“This is a weird little critter,” Potter said. “This is not a coyote. This is not a dog.”
It has none of the accompanying lesions that occur with mange, the usual explanation for debunking chupacabra findings. Unsure of what it was, he took it to a veterinarian, who also was unable to identify it.
Chupacabra sightings generally occur in the States in Texas. Potter believes this specimen is a juvenile male.
Fort Worth has the historic Stockyards. San Antonio has the Alamo. Runaway Bay has the chupacabra.
That's right. The chupacabra. The legendary goat-sucker.
On Tuesday night, the Runaway Bay City Council passed a resolution that would make the chupacabra the city's official mascot.
"We take the business of Runaway Bay seriously," Greg Leveling, city administrator. "We saw an opportunity to have a little fun with the situation that happened here in January, and it's taken on a life of it's own."
Someone found the carcass of a hairless, odd-looking beast on the 14th hole of city's golf course in January. When pictures were published in the Wise County Messenger, residents started saying the creature looked like the famed chupacabra.
Animal experts later said the beast was really just a diseased raccoon. But Runaway Bay residents say the attention was great for the city.
"We are already internationally famous," Beth Anderson said. "We were on Google."
The council credited Anderson with the idea to name the chupacabra the city's mascot.
City leaders plan to put an image of the animal on T-shirts that will be sold at the annual Independence Day celebration. Leveling said some of the proceeds from the T-shirt sales would help Runaway Bay Alliance, a local charity.
The city resolution also protects the chupacabra. Residents joke that that's a good thing, -- just in case any others are in the area.
"I have great concern for the little critter. Actually, I think I have a den of them behind my house, and I was quite worried because we do have hunters in the neighborhood," Anderson said with a grin.
"This community started as 'run away to Runaway Bay,'" Leveling said. "What I can tell you is, when you run away to Runaway Bay, you have a better than average chance of finding the dreaded and legendary chupacabra."
I believe the difficult back nine did the poor bugger in...
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: No Really...You CAN Graph Anything!
This is just pure entertainment. But like too many things if you over indulge you go into some kind of coma. Here are a few more graphs that effect everyday life...for some people!
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
Todays Apocalypse Sign: The Ironman Dr. Pepper Detox
My wife is addicted to Dr. Pepper. I know it's not good for her...she knows it's not good for her, but still we buy at least a case of it a week. I kicked the soda habit some time ago but she has to have her DP like she used to need her cigarettes.
But now I think Dr. Pepper has taken a marketing position with the new Ironman movie that might actually backfire on them.
While my wife was out of town this weekend I had the dreaded task of doing the grocery shopping at our neighborhood Wal-Mart. I knew I had to buy her the DP or there would be problems. So I pick up the 24-pack added it to the cart and head home.
When I opened the box to put the cans in the fridge, I freaked out for a second. Then I thought that maybe this might help her lose her desire for the sugary soda...I lined up the cans in the fridge like this:
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Click to enlarge for the full freak-out effect!
When Ironman looks at you like this...how can you possiblely grab the can? I guess we'll see when she gets home tonight.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: You Really Can Graph Anything!
Ya know somethimes your friends unwittingly send you pure crack-like addictive emails. You know the ones with the spark that send you off to discover new shit on the interwebz that you never would of thought up in your own tiny brain? Well that happened to me yesterday.
Many of you remember the creepy childrens books post , well this is just like that. The website graphjam.com is that crack addiction.
I will caution you most strenuously, DO NOT go to this site. I have collected a large amount of information to post for you already. If you go to this site you may never come back. It is like staring into the sun or Jennifer Aniston's eyes. Although one will blind you and the other will hypnotize you, but that's not the point. I was on that site for 3 hours last night saying to myself, "just one more, well then one more, okay this is the last one." It really is like that. Good thing my wife was out of town for the weekend.
So without further ado, here are some gems that made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day, neighbor.
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
You see how addictive these are, how you are already wanting more? Well I have some more I'll post tomorrow.
I hope this got your party started and gave you some ice-breaker material to share with that on-line chick you've been flirting with...coz afterall, who doesn't like a funny guy (funny ha ha, not funny gay).
Til next time....what would you graph?
Many of you remember the creepy childrens books post , well this is just like that. The website graphjam.com is that crack addiction.
I will caution you most strenuously, DO NOT go to this site. I have collected a large amount of information to post for you already. If you go to this site you may never come back. It is like staring into the sun or Jennifer Aniston's eyes. Although one will blind you and the other will hypnotize you, but that's not the point. I was on that site for 3 hours last night saying to myself, "just one more, well then one more, okay this is the last one." It really is like that. Good thing my wife was out of town for the weekend.
So without further ado, here are some gems that made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day, neighbor.
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
see more Funny Graphs
You see how addictive these are, how you are already wanting more? Well I have some more I'll post tomorrow.
I hope this got your party started and gave you some ice-breaker material to share with that on-line chick you've been flirting with...coz afterall, who doesn't like a funny guy (funny ha ha, not funny gay).
Til next time....what would you graph?
Today's Apocalypse Sign: What Will You Do With Your Obamabucks?
The following does not necessary reflect the opinions and thoughts of the blog author...though it mostly does...
Happy Days Are Here Again...
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up..
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games , or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Happy Days Are Here Again...
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up..
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games , or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Today's Apocalypse Sign: What Would You Do, Hotshot?
This test only has one question, but it's a
very important one. By giving an honest
answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around
you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury....
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They
are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken
down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look
familiar. You suddenly realize who they are.
It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful
people.
===========================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest
answer......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go
with the classic simplicity of black and white?
=
very important one. By giving an honest
answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around
you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury....
===============================================
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They
are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken
down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look
familiar. You suddenly realize who they are.
It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful
people.
===========================================
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest
answer......
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go
with the classic simplicity of black and white?
=
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