Today's Apocalyptic Sign: Creepy Children's Books

Well after the heavy commentary in the last couple of posts I believe it is time for another round of Who Thinks Up This Shit. Actually I guess it is the first round since I have never posted anything with that title.

Anyway, I stumbled upon (and I guess that is the reason someone started a site called StumbleUpon) as we all do many times a day, something quite interesting and yet extremely disturbing at the same time. Everything below came from oddee. Be warned, if you go to this site and have never been there before, prepare to lose several hours of your life (and distort some brain cells too). It is addicting and with over 5 million vistors a month that should be proof enough.

The list below are real childrens books you can buy on Amazon. Seriously. The first one, you need to go to Amazon and look at the back cover of the book.

We begin with:

What else!

One look at this book should tell you it will scar a kid for life. Show him the back cover and therapy will be in his future. Monkeys make me laugh, I have said that before. This just looks scary.
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Whoa...whoa...whoa! This is the first in a long line of children's books about poop. Everything about this should literally scare the crap outta any kid...wait, problem solved...I guess. And what is with the supportive dinosaur toilet paper holder?? Is the kid holding on to keep from falling in the toilet? Disturbing rating: a full 5 out of 5!

Live from the Big House!

How to spend time with Daddy doing time. Haven't the kids been traumatized enough? Does this teach kids what NOT to carry to a prison visit, no shank material, no saws, no cakes with saws, no smokes. I am sure this guys kids have already figured out that Dad's got a problem.
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This oughta be good..

This book deals with you-know-what...SEX. And kids being introduced to where babies come from and how they are made using words like "penis" and "vagina". And just to be sure the point gets across, there are plenty of cartoonish illustrations and explicit pictures.
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Contains every bunny suicide, ever

If you buy this book and read it to your kids, consider yourself an unfit parent and turn yourself in now! I don't get this at all. However, I would probably find this book extremely funny.
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Oh yeah, this will be good...

Second in the Poop book line...

The picture is clearer on the site but the most disurbing part of this book cover is not the wolf in a lab coat saying "Yum" to a steaming turd but rather the sporty golf attire and beret adorning said steaming turd. Senor Caca indeed!
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Sure it is.....

Well the book starts right off with a bang..."Jackie wakes up late at night to find her parents smoking pot'" This book is a childs story of marijuana. Sounds like a book that was written in the '60's. I guess as long as it teaches them how not to get caught...wait a minute, just NO!
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Gotta have a sperm story...

Most of the time you don't want to know where it goes. Although I love the custom goggles that keeps Willy's vision clear so he can see his target...whatever that may be! Be free Willy!
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So there you have it, childrens books that may, just may, account for some of society's issues today. There are many, many more on the site that will just make you go WTF???

I hope you have been entertained!

Today's Apocalypse Sign(s): Monkeys, Viagra, and Obama (Not All Together)

MONKEYS

Yesterday I found myself wondering the way I always do (when you're riding 16 hours and there's nothing much to do...what??? Bob Seger???) and then I hear outta the corner of my ear "Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has his own Facebook page". I stopped, rewound live TV (how did we ever live without being able to do THAT!), and watched as they showed a picture of the Facebook page for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay. Go and give it a read. This monkey has over 47,539 fans. It was like all my monkey dreams coming true at once and also extremely unsettling.

I must confess, almost anything and everthing to do with monkeys makes me laugh. Except for the snuff film I saw once that showed people popping the cap off a monkey skull and eating the brains with little tiny spoons. That was just creepy. But everything else involving monkeys I find hilarious.

We even call our Boston Terrier, Caesar, our "little monkey":

Kinda looks a little monkey-like right?

We even have a stuffed monkey (toy not real) that we take on vacation sort of like the roaming gnome commercials.

But the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is the greatest thing yet! They claim the Rhesus Macaque monkey that is running loose in the Tampa Bay/St Petersberg area of Florida may be a decendent to the monkey used in the original Tarzan movie!

Here is the meat of this story: this Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay (I just like writing and saying that!) has evaded authorities for over 2 years!!

They tranquilized it once but it threw its own shit at the guy that shot him and then climbed to the top of the tree to sleep it off. When the drug wore off, he made like Tarzan and got the hell outta there! He now is like a freakin' Monkey Robin Hood, stealing fruit and partying in people's backyards when they aren't home.

Now my question has to be, how are we to believe the authorities can catch terrorists in this country if they cannot even catch a lone primate? They have sent law enforcement, animal control, private bounty hunters (how weird is that)...nothing doing. They know roughly where he is, it is the same 50 square mile area since he was first spotted. They even have said it is quite possibly a previous pet monkey due to the fact that it has been seen looking both ways before crossing the street! WTF!!!

This monkey is making a fool of the authorities. I mean two years?? A blind squirrel finds an acorn more often than that. Maybe we should send a blind squirrel...naaah, nevermind.
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VIAGRA

Here is a reprint of an article from redstate.com
Democrats in the Senate say they are so committed to passing the House’s version of health care
reconciliation fixes verbatim, that they are willing to vote against even the most alluring and unobjectionable of amendments — from legislation banning Viagra for sex offenders to language adding the long-elusive public option.


In what is the final act of the health care reform saga, the Senate on Tuesday began debating reconciliation fixes that the House of Representatives passed two days prior. The process includes a period of what could be unlimited amendments, during which it is widely expected that Republicans will try their best to get the legislation changed.


The idea is that by securing even a slight adjustment in the language, the Senate will have to send the bill back to the House of Representatives for reconsideration. Drawing out the process makes it more likely for it to be tripped up.


On Tuesday, the GOP put its strategy into action, with Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okl.) introducing an amendment beyond agreeable. Titled “No Erectile Dysfunction Drugs To Sex Offenders” it would literally prohibit convicted child molesters, rapists, and sex offenders from getting erectile dysfunction medication from their health care providers.


While it will undoubtedly be difficult for Democrats to vote against the measure (one can conjure up the campaign ads already), the party plans to do just that.


“Democrats in the Senate are very unified that this is not going back to the House,” Sen. Wyden (D-Ore.) told the Huffington Post on Tuesday, minutes before the Coburn amendment was introduced.


The coming votes in the Senate on the GOP’s many amendments, including the attempt to ban the provision of viagra to sex offenders, are sure to provide some entertaining political theater and perhaps form the basis for a campaign ad or two against Senate Democrats who are up for reelection in 2010.

In a related monkey story:

                     See No Evil          Hear No Evil     Speak No Evil

What I want to know about this is why was it ever okay to give sex offenders Viagra?? Do a Google search for "sex offenders banned from viagra" and you will get 74,000 hits that will for sure make you see this as the most recent sign of the apocalypse. I have no more words for this stupidity.
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OBAMA

                          

Oh God please make me stop laughing! When I saw this commercial on TV for the first time I thought Holy Shit! Al Sharpton was going to have another 15 minutes of fame. I am sure this was not endorsed by the NAACP or the Muslim community. I knew it was early in the day but I felt kind of dislocated like I was watching a SNL skit. This is the real shit though.

Here is an article from the Chicago Sun Times addressing the decision by Walgreens to pull this product from their shelves:

Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores, and the decision leaves about 200,000 of the pottery plant kits in a West Side Chicago warehouse.


The Deerfield-headquartered drugstore chain made the move Friday after getting a few complaints about the item since the product's April 1 launch, a spokeswoman said.


Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores after receiving several complaints.






Chia founder Joseph Pedott -- a Chicago native whose San Francisco-based Joseph Enterprises provides local jobs for the disabled -- said he was inspired to create the Obama head as a show of patriotism.


Pedott, a middle-aged white man, was nervously surveying black women about the product at the Home and Housewares Show in Chicago just two days before the two versions -- a "determined" Obama and a smiling Obama -- hit the stores.


The $19.99 Chia Obama, which sprouts foliage in the space where hair would be, is still available at chiaobama.com, but Pedott said he's trying to find another large brick-and-mortar retailer to sell the item.


The product is the second Chia offering to be based on a person; the company produced a promotional item for Mr. T.


Cheryl V. Jackson

This was funny before the last sentence...Mr T made it hilarious! Who could be next to take their place in chia pet history next to Obama Chia and Mr. T Chia.

I would really like to know the results of those product surveys. Also you can apparently pick up one of the 200,000 leftovers cheap, as a stocking stuffer for next Christmas.

Maybe these three topics weren't as non-related as I first thought.

Oh well, monkeys still make me laugh!

PS. Thanks again Pat for the award!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Rehashing Already

Well here it is, only the fifth post on my brand new blog and I am rehashing already.

I was a little distracted today from things apocalyptical...either that or I just wasn't paying attention. Anyway, I have a couple things to comment on:

1. Yesterday's post about the Sleep Talking Man (read I presume by only ME) caused me to check his latest blog entries. He gained over 700 followers yesterday after his Today show and GMA appearances. Way to go STM and wife! (I don't think he gained any followers from the people who did not read MY blog.)

2. STM merchandise...I checked out their store, yes they have a on-line store with t-shirts and bags imprinted with some of Adam's best musings. $17 bucks USD for a t-shirt. I am now really thinking about my website idea from 10 years ago. There is obviously money to be made for stupid shit...I'm in for that!

3. I have fancied up the blog a bit by adding some gadgets. I included one about opinions on current events (not sure I like it enough to keep it on here long), one with Marilyn Manson MP3's, my favorite...the Mayan Calendar countdown to (what else) the Apocalypse, AND a daily saying from Buddha.

4. And finally I added a picture to my header...kinda symbolic of the desolate one-way ride we are all on. I did some black and white photos a year ago for Christmas so I used one of those.

Anyway, I'll see how I like the changes after a few days...they may stay or go as I deem necessary. There are lots of gadgets out there in bloggerland and since I'm an experimental kind of guy...who knows.

I'm still thinking of trademarking, copywriting, and forever owning "Fudge Monkeys". After I typed it in yesterday's post it has been stuck in my brain...could be a message from God.

Then again last year I was hooked on the word spatchcock...so again who knows.

The Packings play tomorrow late in the Big Easy. Join me in rooting Brett on to victory, cher...

-nytol