I started this yesterday but couldn't finish until today.
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Today was a better day than last Thursday.
This time last Thursday I was feeling nauseous from the smell of lilies, carnations and many other floral scents. It was awkward meeting friends and co-workers of my mothers, who I had either never met or hadn't seen in over thirty years. It was startling how much I had to recalibrate my mental family album to account for the timespan since I had last seen some of my relatives - aunts, uncles...cousins and even some of their children. Seeing my cousins as now slightly younger versions of their parents was a little off-putting.
Last Thursday was the viewing for my mother. Riddle Funeral Home. 4PM to 8PM. She was 79 years old.
I never thought this day possible last October when I made plans to travel home in January. My wife and I were sad we would miss Christmas there. It had become an annual pilgrimage to keep in closer contact with my family...especially my mother. We always stayed at her house and did again this time although she was in the hospital before I even left Texas. It was odd when we got there. No one to greet us...empty house...no sound at all. It was odd coming at a time that was not Christmas. With all the Christmas music, decorations, and tree that my mother put out every year, missing. I always could have stayed longer than planned because it felt so...homey. I will never have that again.
Her stay in the hospital was nothing short of unfeeling, assembly line disinterest. I will not dwell on that now. Time will allow me to address that ordeal in a later post. Suffice it to say that the last 5 days on earth for my mother should not be endured by anyone. And she had family there all the time to prevent miscues! Again, for another time.
We have what I consider a rather large family. My grandmother and grandfather on my mother's side had 4 kids who provided 12 grandchildren and some of them now have grandchildren. We are a far-flung family...Texas to North Carolina to Arkansas to Nebraska to South Dakota to New Hampshire to Michigan to Pennsylvania and of course, Ohio. Having one big family reunion has always been impossible to coordinate. The only thing that seems to bring most of the family together is death. My uncle last January and my mother this January. Within 5 days to the date last year. We are not doing January next year, it was agreed.
I guess we are a lucky family in some regards. Deaths have been suffered infrequently over the years. My grandfather died in '69 right during the Christmas holidays. I don't remember much about this. My dad died in June of '71...during a summertime cookout on Father's Day. I am the one that saw the seizure and ran outside for help. He died that day. Then death took a 25 year vacation in our family until my youngest uncle (my mom's little brother) died suddenly at age 54 after a day of yard work. A brief 5 years later my grandmother died peacefully. She smoked and drank and gave it hell til age 90. Then last year and this year. In 42 years only 6 deaths. All natural causes. We have had no devastating home accidents, auto crashes, work related fatalities...all natural.
We mate and stay mated. I am the only member of the family with a divorce. None of the family is homeless, helpless, unemployed, abusive or abusing, no drugs (anymore, never addicts) or drunkards. The kids all like their parents, and family get-togethers never turn violent or physical. My wife calls it the "perfect family". She may even be envious of what I've had. She has the experience to make that statement.
The funeral was last Friday morning. I woke up to a beautiful snow scene with giant flakes and complete quiet. I walked out of the house and just watched it snow for a while. It wasn't supposed to snow today. Thanks Mom. The church was packed. My mother dedicated her time to church, family, and friends...in that order (most of the time). All were there for the service. The pastor told some stories that I and my brother and 2 sisters had given him a couple days before. They were funny and truly remembrances of our youth. My mother would have liked that the church broke out in laughter at them...and she probably would have been slightly embarrassed, too. The service and the luncheon after were very nice. Mom always worked the kitchen during any church event involving food so her fellow workers were very emotional without her. It's a small town of 12,000. But everyone seemed to know her.
Saturday was the hour and a half drive to Canton for the burial. Only my wife and I, both sisters with families, and my brother went. 10 of us on the final farewell drive. Again I woke up to huge snowflakes pouring from the sky and falling silently in a literal blanket of white. Again it was not suppose to have snowed today. My mother knew my wife and I came north in the winter to enjoy family and SNOW! Last year we made snow ice cream. There were a good three or four inches on the ground when we left for Canton. Normally I would have been ecstatic but not today.
We arrived at the cemetery where my dad is buried. Ironically I had planned to come here during my stay to visit him. I wanted to take some new pictures for my Mom. Today there is only a gaping, precisely cut hole in the ground. After a brief service in the mausoleum the casket is driven to the grave site. The ground level WWII military marker for my Dad is partially covered with support boards and mud. I am suddenly a little pissed off about that. The boards hold the casket lowering device. After we carry the casket to the graveside I notice the snow has turned much wetter and the cold seems a little more biting. The two workers silently lower the casket into the ground. I remove a single red carnation from the casket spray and toss it on the casket. I am glad to see it settle right on top. My sisters and nieces are softly crying and sniffling. The workers fire up the Caterpillar and begin the task of replacing the dirt. One shovels the other moves the bucket of the Cat like an extension of his arm. I remember thinking he was pretty good and careful with that machine. I was momentarily distracted by the thought of even with the casket in the grave there was room for all the dirt without creating that domed look so often seen. On a physics level I wondered how that was possible. I suspect they were going to cover the grave with hay after we left. There were many hay rectangles of ground throughout the cemetery. That's good, Mom was always cold in the winter.
On the hour and a half drive back home the clouds lifted and warm and brilliant sunshine lit up the day.
My mother always knew what to do to make us kids happy. Raising the four of us after Dad died could not have been remotely easy. She never remarried until only my brother was left at home. Today I guess she was trying to brighten up the mood for us.
Nothing will ever be the same.
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| She doesn't look 79, does she? |
I love you Ma, rest in peace.
Your son,
Charles
