Today's Apocalypse Sign: A Memorial Day Monday Minute

1 - Aside from your armpits, what body part of yours sweats the most?Balls you say! What no, no, I mean the river that runs down my back.

2 - You have two slices of bread. You can add one additional ingredient to make a sandwich, but as much of it as you want. What are you putting on it?
It can only be CHEESE!

3 - Can you put your entire fist into your mouth?
What kind of movies have you been watching??? Al Pacino in Cruising??? Please.

4 - Open your email. How many emails do you have in your 'Inbox'?
Total in all my email accounts or just one. See these are never as clear as they seem. 30 in one, 20 in another and 3000 in Aol. See, a little clarification makes a big difference.

5 - If an adult male is taken for ransom, is that considered kidnapping?
This a a trick question right? I am going for the generic term "abduction".

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Dang, I've been away from this for a while and everything goes to hell in hand basket. So here we go...


1 - Since so many of you were so willing to wrestle naked with another member of the same sex for a million dollars, let's say we double it to $2,000,000 and put it on PPV for all to see. Still willing?
Are you kidding me!! For $2million this would be no problem, hell,  I'll even do it in mud!

2 - You just found a $100 bill on the ground while walking around your neighborhood. What's your first thought to do with the money? Take it home, give it to my wife and saying lovingly, "Honey since I love you sooo much today, here's a hundred bucks to spend on anything you want." Oh, major points scored!


3 - Mother's Day is coming up has since come and gone. Name one thing you learned from your Mother that you'd like to share.  How to raise 4 kids (mostly alone) and not kill at least two of them.

4 - We all know that Nickelback, Kiss, Creed, Rush, the Foo Fighers and Axl Rose suck ass, name another band that should be added onto this famed list. Okay, I am taking offense to this assumption. I do not think any of these bands suck, let alone suck ass. So you can Rush to Kiss my Axl Rose. Foo Fighters and Nickleback just rock! Go ahead and say otherwise one more time. And I even like the Punch Brothers, so suck it bitches! With that said Janes Addiction is the biggest waste of space in a recording studio...or stage. Totally unlistenable. Period.
 

5 - Have you ever had a zit on your ass?
Since I'm still wound up about the last question why don't you go ahead and check for me!

Yeah, it was a rough day at work...can ya tell?

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Late Monday Minute

Once again we roll out my "start of the week"  mental state in the form of the Monday Minute. It was a weird day today.


(1) Have you ever played Angry Birds?


I watched my cousin's young daughter play this on an iPad last month. It looks like a therapy game for mental patients. (Ya know, keeps em busy - has no point) Could have something to do with the fact I have no idea how it's played and she could not intelligently explain it to me. So I guess that is a "have not".
(2) What kind of computer do you own?

I knew someone would sneak in this little innocent question sooner or later just to try and get critical information to use against me! For that I answer, "I know what I am but what are you?"
(3) What kind of toothpaste do you use?

Ya know, like paste...for teeth. I still use the stuff I ate in kindergarten, doesn't everyone? Keeps 'em white and fills the gaps nicely.
(4) Are you a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?

Wow, now with the weight questions! I suspect, though not positive, I am the same weight sleeping as when I am walking around. All I know for sure is I don't float above the mattress.
(5) How often do you do laundry?

Seriously? When I run out of clothes to wear, duh! Did an alien come up with these questions??? I am just like every other normal person.

You've been a beautiful audience, have a nice evening!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Oops I Did It Again....Monday Minute

Okay time for this weeks Monday Minute romp of insanity! I really hope I am playing this game right. Oh, what the hell, here goes:

(1) Do you think Lady Gaga is Gaga or just plain KaKa?


Right now I think she is a rich bitch (can I say that without envy?). And I have to admit I have a couple of her songs stuck in my head from time to time. My follower blogger Meghan at Black berries to Apples is Gaga for Gaga and probably enticed me to listen to her with her sweet writing. Check her out.
(2) If you had to write these questions every week, what questions would YOU write the participants?

Can't divulge that. Soon I will write my own questions and shock the Monday Minute to its core. Too much? Look! A monkey!

 (3) What animal/ insect has always scared the heck out of you?

Snuffleupagus. Saying nothing else.

(4) Do you wash your hands after you use the restroom every time? Be honest!

Here's the deal...how do you open the door with freshly cleaned hands and keep them freshly cleaned?? (Doors with knobs of course.) I just throw on some latex gloves and feel invincible in the restroom! (Although sometimes that powder is hard to get off the crotch of dark pants) Peel and toss when you are a safe distance away! Genius.

(5) Do you buy brand named purses or replicas?

I object to this question as it is sexist and clearly meant to question my European man-purse. I shall not be toyed with.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Monday Minute Time

(1) What's your favorite kind of cake? (post a recipe if you have time)

As Van Halen says, " I sure love my baby's pound cake!" How do you beat playing a guitar with a drill!!!



(2) Do you like getting massages?

Hot oil and full body...co-sign it!



(3) Would you consider yourself Neat Nelly or Messy Bessy?

I am a Gemini so I guess I am a Messy Nelly...depending on the day!



(4) Are you shy about going to the restroom in public places?

I mark my territory wherever I may roam...deal with it!



(5) Did you have your dream wedding or would you redo it if you had the chance?

The first one or the second one??

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute To End January 2011

(1) What's your favorite time of day?

     Any and every time I realize I am still breathing..ahhh, like right now!
(2) Do you and your significant other send sexy texts?

     Do things like, "Honey, Why was your cell phone bill $127 last month?" count?

(3) If you got your dream job anywhere in the US, where would you choose to move to?

     That's a toughie, but I would have to go with Green Bay, WI. Just to get back to where I was born. Might not last long but I would like to do it for a while, for sure. Go Pack!
(4) What are you wearing?

      Sweats and a onesy...do not judge my comfort level!

(5) If given a choice to skip work for a day, how would you spend the entire day?

      Considering that in order to be doing this I would have had to have won the lottery, so I would be winging my way to Austin to collect my booty! Then I would party like it's 1999!


And what is your favorite American Idol moment???

Til next week...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

When you were a child, how many kids did you say you would have as a grown up?
Thought 4, had 1...go figure.

Do you wish you would have had more siblings?
Think the 3 I had were enough to pick on...any more and they might have over-powered my divine rule!

Name two things that you consider yourself to be very good at.
Eloquence and insouciance.

What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
I'm sorry this is a family publication...

What TV show do you NOT MISS every week.
Gene Simmons Family Jewels or Fringe

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Monday Minute 2011

(1) If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive) who would you go with and where would you go to?

Only one answer here...Hunter Thompson in a convertible to Las Vegas! Yeah!


(2) If you knew you had 24 hours left to live, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

1. Find that damn bottle with the genie in it I lost in Mexico a couple years back (I need them wishes)

2. Find the goood drugs

3. Get the party plan distributed for my Passing Over Blowout Fiesta Extravaganza. (I've been working on this for a few years now just in case).

(3) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I know this sounds cliche, but I still have not grown up. I can act 10 years old with the best of them. I guess that's why I have worked for the same company for 30 years...I never figured out what I wanted to be. BTW, this is a depressing way to begin a new year.
(4) Out of the last five years of your life, which was the worst and why?

New Years Eve 2007. Our Boston Terrier passed away that night very suddenly. My wife and I took it very hard. We toast him every New Years now.

(5) Out of the last five years of your life, which was the best and why?

September 2008. The first real travel vacation my wife and I have taken. Although it started out crappy when Hurricane Ike blew through Galveston on the day we were to depart on our first ever cruise, my wife went on line and found us a smoking last minute 7-day vacation deal in Cozumel. We canceled the cruise, got a refund, and took off the next day. Then we watched as all the cruise ships came for their port o' call. Watching those people have to rush around while we casually strolled the downtown area made us thank Ike. And we posted that on a dollar bill at Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville restaurant. 

It was a much better vacation that the cruise would have been.

Today's Apolcalypse Sign: I Thought I'd Never Get Back Here...To The Monday Minute!

Wow, I missed like several of these and I don't know why Monday's have slipped right by me. No matter, I enjoy the Monday Minute and love to reflect my day in my answers. So here we go:


(1) Who is your favorite actor?
My dog Caesar. He acts like he is never fed, he acts like he gets no attention, he acts like he doesn't fart. It's an academy award kind of day every day!


(2) Do you collect anything?
I apparently collect CD's that failed to burn properly or were damaged while attempting to extract them from a jewel case...I just found this out when I opened a desk drawer I had not been in for quite some time and BAM! there must of been 50 of those suckers.

(3) What's the biggest turn off in someone of the opposite sex?
Some one who wasn't the "opposite" originally...know what I mean, Lola?

(4) If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to and why?
Ghost. Can you just imagine...at a party??? No better ice-breaker. "Hi, my name's Ghost, have we met?"
(5) What virtue is better: forgiveness or justice?
Ah, the chicken or the egg of our society's morals. I say justice first then forgiveness, both have equal needs in our civilization. Ain't that right Sierra Leone?

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Halloweenie Monday Minute

As this weekend of ghoulish hijinx comes to an end, here are my retrospective thoughts and musings for the Monday Minute.

What did you dress up as your first Halloween?

I think it was some kind of fruit, it was pretty tramatizing.

Image via Wikipedia

What has been your favorite Halloween costume of all time?

Even though this is not me in the picture
I was amazed to find this on my Zemanta gallery. Mine was better though because
it was spring-loaded so I could keep the 
shock value as more people came to the party. Even to some drunk people who had seen it like two or three times already. Best all-time!











Do you believe in ghosts?

Image via WikipediaOf course. Do you think I watch Ghost Whisperer just to see the size of Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs change from season to season? I want to be a ghost in Grandview! I do believe in spooks...I do believe in spooks...I do believe in spooks. 10 points if you can name that movie reference. Stop staring and think!

What's your favorite holiday of the year?

My wife says it's her birthday...lucky for her it is right at Thanksvgiving. What? Giving a turkey for a birthday gift works for me! Two birds with one stone I say.

What's your favorite fall dessert?

I swear off all fall desserts so I can save up room for....Christmas desserts! Then it's everything but fruitcake!

And that's this weeks show! You've been a wonderful audience...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Well this week I wasn't feeling particularly wordy. Could be because of the weather, could be the energy-drain from watching the Packers last night, could be 'cause the damn dog ate all the leaves off the ficus tree in the living room! I hate that fuckin' ficus and apparently she does too! Anyways, here are my answers to the Monday Minute.




(1) Have you ever been hospitalized? (OK, maybe that one isn't so upbeat)
Does a trip to the psychiatric ward count?? I took that as a brief, enjoyable vacation in la-la land. Good meds, good times.

(2) What’s the last bit of good news you received?
"Honey, I still have a job!" (from my wife)

 (3) Who was your favorite teacher?
Miss Harold...my first grade teacher. The love of my juvenile life.
(4) Do you sing in the shower?
I used to, but now it's a place to think deep thoughts.
(5) Describe the happiest day of your life.
Everyday I still hear the alarm clock.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: I Found The Monday Minute...Finally!

I have been out of this game too long! I have been hunting the hosting of this "beginning of the week" joyride and I finally found it! Am I the Indiana Jones of blogging or what?? Maybe not.

Anyway, I have missed having to use my brain for fun on Monday's for a few weeks now so I am glad to be back in the saddle. Without further ado...my Monday Minute insights...


1) Did you play any sports growing up?

Organized sports, no. Somehow "does not play well with others" is an unspoken criteria for banishment. No matter, many a backyard in my neighborhood bares the scars of our "unorganized" sports. (Apparently I am feeling quite "quotational" this evening.) 

(2) Have you ever gotten an MIP (apparently people don't know what this is. I guess it's the dorky law school part of me, sorry! Haha...it's a minor in possession)?
I was possessed by a minor once but I'm not sure that applies here.


(3) Do you snore or sleepwalk?
I have mad skills...I do both at the same time! This WILL get me shot one of these days. Someone is going to mistake me for Del Toro in The Wolfman!


(4) Describe your last dream.
At lunch today I dreamed it was the end of the day...it wasn't. So dreams are useless!


(5) What's the one thing you've been meaning to do that you just haven't gotten to?
Time traveling back to my 20's knowing everything I know now. I just haven't gotten around to finding that damn time machine thingy. Is that two things?

Well that wraps up this episode of the Monday Minute. Hope you enjoyed and learned. I'll be here all week...until next Monday...for the next Minute. Now I have to go watch the Rangers whup the Yankees!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute Lives!

Congrats to our new host!

1 - Have you ever lied on one of your Monday Minute answers?

I think you will need to review my priors. You may judge me.


2 - What is on your bedside table?
Lamp, phone, clock, remote, water, gun, time travel device (just in case)


3 -Would you rather lose your sight or hearing?
Very nicely played. As much as I like music I detest boring conversation...I can see for miles and miles! Lose the ear buds.


4 -Would you rather give up all forms of sexual contact for a year or give up your DVR for three months?
And yet if the DVR was full of porn could you really trust yourself?



5 - Name one thing that you are proud that you've accomplished in life.
Quiting smoking...hands down. Had to be serious for a second, actually quit smoking twice.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Monday Minute Mania!

With questions given well in advance these should be stellar answers, right? Well maybe. Either way here goes:

1 - Who is your favorite childhood superhero?

For some reason it is the Green Lantern...not sure exactly why, just loved the show.



2 - List something you have done for pure shock value.

Ahh that was many moons ago...many many moons ago, now I do it just to air out my ass!

3 - What is the most recent thing someone has said/done to you that left you picking your jaw up off of the floor.

Sadly not too much surprises me anymore...I kind of have a sixth sense about what people are going to say or do. However the fact that we missed killing Bin Laden at least 10 times continues to leave my jaw on the floor.



4 - Do you have a moment where you gained clarity about your life?

LSD and 2001: A Space Oddysey...good times, I think.

5 - What are you doing to achieve your biggest dream?

Still trying to dream my biggest dream...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Still Hittin' That Monday Minute!

 Thought I would throw down both MM button I had.

Once more around the track form this week's Monday Minute...holiday style!



1. If you could interview any famous person, dead or alive, who would it be? What would you ask?



Hunter S. Thompson. Which move did he like best, "Where the Buffalo Roam" or "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas".



2. You have to give up one thing for a month. What would it be - car, guilty pleasure (ie. food, drink, fav. tv show), or sex?

I would give up gaining weight. Then I could eat all the things I shouldn't with no worries...although I may be dead at the end of that month, maybe I should give up aging?


3. Is there a word/phrase you say that you are made fun of for? If so, what is it?

"Nice, very nice". That is my standard response most anything that I have no other words for, plus it pisses some people off. I guess that isn't really made fun of but then again no one makes fun of me...anytime...anywhere...for anything.



4. Which is a stronger emotion: Anger or Love?

Anger is the stronger...but Love is the better!



5. Where was your first job?

Ohio

Today's Apocalypse Sign: I Take Time Out To Actually Post...Monday Minute

Who was your high school Sweet Heart?

I think it was Mary Jane...nope, pretty sure it was Mary Jane...ahhh Mary Jane

What is your favorite vegetable to eat?

I likes me a scallion...sometimes even a rapscallion will do

Do you plan on dressing up for Halloween, if yes, what do you have in mind?

After the last fiasco no one that knows me ever, and I mean ever, asks that question of me

Are you a reality show junkie? If so, what is your guilty pleasure?

Amazingly not...I like Dealiest Catch, Flipping Out, Ice Road Truckers, that's about it. Seriously. Check out my post on this subject >>>HERE.


What year did you graduate high school?

To see for yourself, go HERE

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Mobile Monday Minute

Okay, I am a little confused how the Monday Minute got a new button and new location but, well, I'll roll with it.



*Favorite 80s flick?


The 80's are a little hazy, but one I can always count on is Top Gun. "I feel the need...the need for speed"!



*One genre of music needs to be banned. Which genre?

Curiously I could do with a little less thrash metal...and anything with kazoos. No sounds that I could make without prior training can possibly be called music.

Check out one of my new favorite bands courtesy of RA:



I have downloaded all their music that is online...as one commenter said, "sounds like Elvis and Johnny Cash had a love child that was raped by Metallica." What a description!

*All time favorite candy?

Almond Joy of course! What kid doesn't love a candy that looks like a pair of boobs with huge brown nipples that tastes good!



*How 'flawed' is your driving record?

Not nearly as much as it should be...I drive under a lucky star. Probably shouldn't have said that...dammit!



*What was your high school mascot?

The Sailors. Sounds like gay pirates right? Yeah we played most sports that way...lay down, roll over and take it up....



What color socks are you wearing?

Skin colored...really freaks people out!


That's all for this week!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: It's Monday Again Already???

And here's tonights meet and greet.....no, that's not right...it's the Monday Minute1
If you could have plastic surgery, would you? If so, what would you get done?

You mean like be covered in plastic...hell ya! I'd get a lot a shit done in my body condom! And stay dry and disease free! Wait, that didn't come out right AT ALL! Still can you imagine...Plastic Man! Oh, you meant something completely different, didn't ya?

What laws have you broken?

Way too many to list...plus I'm in witness protection so I can't talk about that concealed weapon I carry.


What is your quirkiest habit?

I load my gun left-handed...and I'm a natural righty! People only make fun of it once...just once.

If you only had 3 songs to listen to for the rest of your life what would they be?

This minute they would be:

Metallica - Master Of Puppets
Zeppelin - Achilles Last Stand
Tool - Aenima

 Ask me in ten minutes and I'll give ya three more!

How often do you have sex?

"That depends on what your definition of "have" is...(in my best Bill Clinton voice)"

-----------------------------------------

And that's all the wackiness for tonight!

Today's Apocalypse SIgn: Monday Minute Time!

"There is no try, only do"

Well this Monday Minute session looks right up my alley. I must say I have waited all day for this minute of my time (well actually 5 minutes). Here goes:



What was your "oh no, I'm turning into my Mom/Dad" moment?


When someone in their 30's called me sir...and not in a way that suggested I had just been knighted. Bastard!


What current commercial do you find the most annoying/funny?

I posted this a few days ago and I am still done with it...all those freakin' male enhancement ads. Done I say!



If you could only eat one color food for the rest of your life what would it be?

BLUE. Ever since I heard the joke about no blue food (I think it was George Carlin) I have been on a quest to add more blue to my diet. This would be one sure way to get there. God I love blueberries...


What is your current Facebook/Myspace/Twitter status?

On life support...I think these were just fads of mine to experiment with. The genie is out of the bottle and ya can't go back. When people I didn't want to remember from 20 or 30 years ago starting popping up with friend requests...I was out. Now I barely go on Facebook, and when I do I am like a covert Facebook Ninja...in and out before you know I'm there. I only joined Twitter to stalk  follow Natalie Gulbis and Morgan Pressell.



F, Marry, Kill from this list below. Women pick from the men, men pick from the women.

Way too easy...fuck 'em all!!!! I would call it the "Goldilocks Experience"...This one's too Gay, this one's too Old, this one's just Right!



•Snookie (from Jersey Shore), Ellen DeGeneres, Betty White



And that's all she wrote for tonight! Now I gotta go watch Big Break Sandals Resort and answer question number 5 all over again for that show.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Once again my contribution to the Monday Minute. These are starting to be reflective on my after work mood on Monday. Very cathartic.

Here goes:


- Describe your life in one word.

Spatchcocked...it's my clean word for the F-word. And it made me laugh for 6 months straight as I used it several times a day...try it!


- Is there something you wish you had learned how to do as a child?

Roll the perfect smoke...it's a skill that always impresses. And Debbie Hines would have been my 5th grade girlfriend then! Bitch.


- Who has been the biggest influence on your life?

Gee there have been so many...but I'm going with Hunter S Thompson!






- What is your greatest dream/hope/aspiration?

I dream and I hope I don't aspirate in my sleep. Such a tragic way for John Bonham to die. And I had tickets to the Zeppelin show that fall. Dammit!

 

-Do you believe you have reached your potential? Why/why not?

Excuse me? This is formed as an essay question and I'm potentially too tired for that! And since for me my potential is a daily thing, I have been all I can be today.

Goodnight!