Today's Apocalypse Sign: Three In A Row...The Weekend Graphs

There is a bonus video at the end to go with the last graph. If you are a Miami CSI fan you'll love it...even if you're not, it's pretty good.

Enjoy this weeks graphs!




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Today's Apocalypse Sign: DISH TV Is The Anti-Christ

I have a short window of time before my Texas Rangers battle the SF Giants in the first game of the World Series, but I have to get this out.

Dish TV is on the verge of dropping the Fox network and all its various incarnations. FX and National Geographic channels are gone from my list of choices. Fox Southwest Sports channel is also goodbye. In four days the contract expires for the Fox local affiliates.

How the hell does Dish think this is a "good move"? The website getwhatIpaidfor.com offers the subscriber commentary blasting Dish and also advising you on alternative providers (Direct TV and TWC being the top two). In this economy why is Dish risking the subscriber defection that is sure to happen? Do you think I will get a discount for losing some high-profile channels from my package or just get a couple "extra" channels I don't care about added in?

Now I used to watch FX and NatGeo from time to time and they were on my Favorites list. My wife loves NatGeo...no more. But my biggest problem is with the loss of the local Fox affiliate station, I will miss the end of the World Series (if it goes enough games), House and Fringe will be gone (two of my favorite shows), and NFC NFL games will be history! Playoff games in the NFC (where my Packers reside) poof! Gone.

Apparently Fox is wanting a 50% increase over the current cost to carry their programming. Dish is saying they and their customers will not stand for it. Both sides are claiming bully and victim of the other. How can either of these companies endure (justify to the stockholders) the revenue loss if Dish drops Fox entirely? This is insanity!

All I know is I hate change. But if it comes down to switching services, that may be my only recourse. Both sides are risking a lot but I believe people's alliance will be with Fox. Afterall, Direct TV and Dish TV are virtually the same except for the name. Right?

In the end, Dish must weigh its overall lost revenue from a defecting customer base versus the added cost (which some will be passed on to my bill) to retain Fox broadcasting.

If anyone has a bootleg satellite box that will work like my Dish HDreceiver/DVR, please drop me an email.

Thanks for your support...Go Rangers!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Well this week I wasn't feeling particularly wordy. Could be because of the weather, could be the energy-drain from watching the Packers last night, could be 'cause the damn dog ate all the leaves off the ficus tree in the living room! I hate that fuckin' ficus and apparently she does too! Anyways, here are my answers to the Monday Minute.




(1) Have you ever been hospitalized? (OK, maybe that one isn't so upbeat)
Does a trip to the psychiatric ward count?? I took that as a brief, enjoyable vacation in la-la land. Good meds, good times.

(2) What’s the last bit of good news you received?
"Honey, I still have a job!" (from my wife)

 (3) Who was your favorite teacher?
Miss Harold...my first grade teacher. The love of my juvenile life.
(4) Do you sing in the shower?
I used to, but now it's a place to think deep thoughts.
(5) Describe the happiest day of your life.
Everyday I still hear the alarm clock.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Weekend Graphs To Thrill and Amaze You!

On a roll...two weeks in a row the Graphs are on time. Enjoy.





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Today's Apocalypse Sign: Spongebob and Rammstein

At first glance you would not think these two go together. In fact you would not think that some one into one would even KNOW about the other. Yet Spongebob does a credible cover of Rammstein's Du Hast. That must be one rockin' pineapple under the sea!

Check out plankton, he plays a mean keyboard. Give a listen...and crank it!




Yes, Rammstein is my favorite German band. If this interests you go to youtube and check out their Volkerball live video of Du Hast and Ich Will. Thank God we won WWII!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Bathroom Reading Can Be Harmful To Your Health

Like most guys I enjoy a good leisurely reading session in the bathroom. It is a quantum of solace you can rarely find anywhere else. You are almost assured to be left alone. No one to talk to. Just you and a good book/magazine/catalog.

I have a tendency to read through most of my bathroom magazines pretty quickly. The one exception is the stupidly over-sized GQ editions. You can build up a good tone in your biceps in the time it takes to get through that monstrosity. But this is not about GQ-training.

This is about a regular size magazine (one I get and read each month is Golf Magazine). I always finish them long before another issue arrives. Sometimes I am stuck in the bathroom with only completely read material. The other day I actually started reading some of the ads in the Golf Magazine as I had read the articles like three times. I opened the magazine right at the obligatory ED ad for Viagra. What the hell, I dove right in!

This was a full page ad that had a picture of a healthy looking black man maybe in his 40's sitting in a pensive state with the wording:

"You may be a man of FEW WORDS but you know how to make them count."
"When there's something worth saying, you say it."

"So if you're like millions of men who have some degree of erectile dysfunction (ED) talk to your doctor. Ask about VIAGRA,America's most prescribed ED treatment. 20 million men already have."

With every age comes responsibility. Important safety information.

Now comes the typical broad-spectrum warnings about taking Viagra and making sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.

The one that always cracks me up is, "if you experience a sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing call your doctor immediately." I'll pause for a second to let that one sink in. Okay time's up...if you can't see or hear, how the hell are you calling the doctor!!!

Anyway, all that is pretty typical so far for these ads, then there is always a back page that contains more detail. This is basically what you get on the sheet they staple to your prescription bag when you pick it up at the pharmacy. This is the new area of reading I discovered.

First you learn how to pronounce the product (vi-AG-rah) and its chemical name (sildenafil citrate).

Next you are warned again about not using if you are taking nitrates (could kill you).

Then the actual definition of erectile dysfunction (just in case you were not sure) "means a man cannot get or keep an erection." { Make sure you are not causing it by watching Biggest Loser or Jersey Shore. Both are known to create temporary ED}

Now it's time for About Viagra:
VIAGRA is used to treat ED in Men (as opposed to women??) When you want to have sex. (no kidding)
VIAGRA can help you get and keep an erection when you are sexually excited. You cannot get an erection just by taking the pill.
VIAGRA does not cure ED. (do you think Pfizer wants you to keep coming back?)
VIAGRA does not protect you or your partner from STD's. You will need to use a condom. (Killjoy).
VIAGRA is not a hormone or aphrodisiac.

Do NOT take Viagra if you use some street drugs, such as "popper" (amyl nitrate). (So gay men should not use the big V??)

Before you Start VIAGRA
Tell your doctor if you have ever had:

A deformed penis, Peyronie's disease (WTF?), or an erection lasting more than 4 hours (woohoo!).

Tell Your Doctor About All Your Medicines
Including other methods to cause erections such as pills, injections, implants or pumps. (And you thought just telling your doctor you had ED was embarrassing.)

Then the lovely side effects of VIAGRA

Headache ("Not tonight honey, I have a headache??)
Feeling flushed (result of orgasm??)
Upset stomach (does "coyote ugly" ring a bell?)
Trouble telling blue from green (this may only be bad in Avatar)
Blurred vision (the Viagra or the Tequila??)
Sudden loss of sight (see Upset Stomach above)
Sudden loss of hearing  (if you are married you may want to enjoy this one for a while even if you have to "fake it")
Heart attack, stroke, irregular heart beat, oh yeah, and DEATH!

How To Take Viagra:

One hour before sex
Orally (WTF?)
Only once a day



I think I had ED, once I got done reading this ad. For sure my legs were numb. Maybe I need a padded toilet seat.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: I Found The Monday Minute...Finally!

I have been out of this game too long! I have been hunting the hosting of this "beginning of the week" joyride and I finally found it! Am I the Indiana Jones of blogging or what?? Maybe not.

Anyway, I have missed having to use my brain for fun on Monday's for a few weeks now so I am glad to be back in the saddle. Without further ado...my Monday Minute insights...


1) Did you play any sports growing up?

Organized sports, no. Somehow "does not play well with others" is an unspoken criteria for banishment. No matter, many a backyard in my neighborhood bares the scars of our "unorganized" sports. (Apparently I am feeling quite "quotational" this evening.) 

(2) Have you ever gotten an MIP (apparently people don't know what this is. I guess it's the dorky law school part of me, sorry! Haha...it's a minor in possession)?
I was possessed by a minor once but I'm not sure that applies here.


(3) Do you snore or sleepwalk?
I have mad skills...I do both at the same time! This WILL get me shot one of these days. Someone is going to mistake me for Del Toro in The Wolfman!


(4) Describe your last dream.
At lunch today I dreamed it was the end of the day...it wasn't. So dreams are useless!


(5) What's the one thing you've been meaning to do that you just haven't gotten to?
Time traveling back to my 20's knowing everything I know now. I just haven't gotten around to finding that damn time machine thingy. Is that two things?

Well that wraps up this episode of the Monday Minute. Hope you enjoyed and learned. I'll be here all week...until next Monday...for the next Minute. Now I have to go watch the Rangers whup the Yankees!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: They're Not Dead...They're Back! Weekend Graphs.

I apologize for my lacking of posting the last few weeks. Work has been all consuming. Suffice to say that I used my available blog time to read and comment on many of my favorites. I really felt bad for not posting graphs last weekend, but hell, it was Tuesday before I knew it!

Today I wanted to make sure I got your weekly entertainment to you on time. I promise I will have more to post about by the end of the month...until then, here are your graphs of hilarity, share with your friends, family, even your enemies.

Enjoy!





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Today's Apocalypse Sign: Weekend Graphs From People Who Are Really Funny

Here are this weeks graphs. Don't worry, peeing will NOT become a theme but when I found this one I thought of Pat and Captain Dumbass's comments last week and knew I had to post it.

Enjoy your week and I hope to be back to posting more regularly in the near future.


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