Today's Apocalypse Sign: Best Joke In The World

Simple is best.

Two women were

sitting quietly together,

minding their own business.

And my dumbass tried to scroll down and read the rest of the joke...did you?

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Whip Me, Beat Me, Call Me Edna

Since I was a little obscure in my Monday Minute post and WannabeVirginaW was a little unclear on the device, I wanted to clear the air. Here is the aforementioned "riding crop". Used primarily in horse riding events but at home...

To view a more extensive informational site visit Slash N Burn

There you go WVW...consider yourself unsheltered! Another mind opened to the possibilities courtesy of the blogosphere!


Editors Note:

I was just kidding about the riding crop under the bed

Today's Apocalypse Sign: It's All In The Delivery

Same friend sent me another little jewel of amusement. It never gets old.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELFARE CHECK.......


A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker said,
"Yeah, well ... You started it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still laughing!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Here's my first ride on this merry-go-round...it sounded fun so what the hell!



Has anyone you've known personally lived to at least 100?
No, and my plans are to be the first one in the family to do so...they will be so proud, posthumously of course.

What material possession do you value the most?
It varies from day to day as I am a man of fickleness...but generally it's Chapstick.

What do you think happens to us after we die?
According to Ghost Whisperer we have some kind of 12-Step amends program before we can party in the light!

Most embarrassing item in your house?
The riding crop under the bed...the dog keeps dragging it out whenever we have guests over...no other time, just then.

If you could rename yourself, what would your name be?
Holy Shit! ...can you use punctuation in a name? Would this be a hit at parties or what? I know Prince tried the symbol thing but that was just stupid. Wait...maybe Stupid Shit! what a way to be introduced..."Sir, do you know Stupid Shit?" No one will say yes! I may have to give this some more thought...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: In The Catageory Of Beware What You Ask For

This is a funny little story to get your week started right. It was sent to me by a friend and I hope you haven't seen it before. Enjoy a laugh!

Happy Monday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now THAT"S a weight loss program!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: That's No Shooting Star!!

Here is the real reason they are grounding the space shuttle program.

The toilets are too complicated!

Simple instructions:

1.     Keep it clean

2.     Alignment is your friend (now we know where potty cams came from)

3.     Solids in the commode, urine in the hose

Or you can use the Apollo fecal bag complete with a finger cot for wiping.




Make sure and read some of the comments after the video. Funny stuff.


What are the worst words Capcom can hear?

"Houston, we have a problem. The seal on our fecal bag has failed and I am stuck on the finger cot" Over.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Your Weekend Graphs Of Goodness!!!

It's time again for the weekly adventure into mind-numbing trivial shit. These graphs have a little something for everyone and as usual will make you the brightest star in your dull office come tomorrow morning. If you have been sharing these with co-workers all along, you should be a second or third level office deity (god) by now. Enjoy for all they are worth...



see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

Hope you had a better than average weekend!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Merlot vs Thunderbird

There are a few things in this world I understand less than the debate over liquor laws. Specifically "wet" and "dry". This has never made sense to me. Do people think if your area is "dry" then less bad things (i.e. burglary/robbery/murder/drunk driving, etc ) happen in your town/county/neighborhood? Does any sane person believe that? Selling or not selling alcoholic beverages determines the crime rate?

Riddle me this Batman...How does one get alcohol to their home in a dry area? Don't over think it...they freakin' DRIVE to the wet area (however far that may be) buy it, and then drive home. "My that cold beer sure looks good sitting on the front seat, maybe I'll just have one on the drive home". Do you see the ironic moronic picture here? There is as much chance of drunk driving occurring in the "dry" area as the "wet" area.

Maybe the "dryers" think that the alcohol sales at their local store would create a hangout for miscreants (look it up)? Maybe they think that empty beer cans and liquor bottles would contaminate their neighborhood? Maybe they think that the evils of alcohol will corrupt the youth of the area?  Or just maybe, their neighbors will think less of them if they see them coming of of a store with a case of Bud Light and a bottle of tequila?

News Flash: That's going to happen anyway!!!

Maybe the "wetters" think that there is something wrong with someone who doesn't drink. Maybe they ain't American (or sure as hell not Texan)...or maybe, gulp, homosexual. Maybe they are just practical and want to walk to there nearest liquor store or bar? I for one always hated driving 10 miles round trip just to buy beer, or a bottle of Crown. Why did I have to do this? Because I live on the outside of Dallas city limits in Garland. I can see the city limit sign from my window...but Dallas has a law that you have to be located a certain distance INSIDE the city limits in order to sell alcohol. Stupider shit I have not heard of. Oh yeah, Garland used to be dry so that was insult to injury. Now I drive one block. Better for me...better for the environment, right?

In light of how stupid this debate/argument seems to be, I ran across this article in the local Big D news. How I am embarrassed for my major metropolitan city. Take a peek at this loonie tunes moment:


'We Got Thunderbird' in South Dallas
Wet-dry vote sets off debate … no, really
By BRUCE FELPS
Updated 6:51 PM CDT, Thu, Jun 24, 2010

Last night’s Dallas City Council meeting made it official.

After verifying the identities and voting status behind the signatures collected in an effort to force the referendum, council approved a citywide wet-dry vote for the Nov. 2 ballot. The approved measure didn’t happen without a fair amount of debate and discussion.

Mayor Pro Tem and District 4 Councilman Dwaine Caraway characterized the vote as a faceoff between North Dallas and South Dallas, the perceived affluent vs. the lower income residents of the city.

“Y’all got merlot in North Dallas. We got Thunderbird in South Dallas,” he said brandishing a bottle of the latter.

OK, both merlot and Thunderbird are wine, right? I’m just asking. I’m not much of a wine guy.

Clearly, though, Caraway opposes the election, saying , if passed, it would bring famine and pestilence to South Dallas, as best as I can decipher what he said during the meeting.

“My mother don't want a vote on wet and dry. She wants it dry period.” Caraway, as transcribed by Robert Wilonsky last night on Unfair Park, said during last night’s council meeting, and a son’s gotta back his mother.

But all the debate, all the discussion, all the rhetoric, and even the vote were pointless. Progress Dallas collected the signatures, the city secretary’s office verified them, and, at that point, state law kicked in and required a vote.

Caraway and all the others simply laid the groundwork for their campaigns leading up to Nov. 2.

But Dwaine, if South Dallas is dry, where’s the Thunderbird come from?

Bruce Felps owns and operates East Dallas Times, an online community news outlet serving the White Rock Lake area. After arriving in Reno, Nev., a few years back, he asked a cab driver if it were a wet or dry area. “What,” the cabbie asked, “you mean does it rain a lot


I say since people are going to drink one way or the other...stop making it so fucking diffcult and wasting tax-payer dollars on city council meetings such as the above.

Now I'm going to go have a cold one and mock something...like BP

Sweet dreams.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: My Dirty Dozen Film Review

My Dirty Dozen Film Reviews

Since I lost my link to this blog hop AND it was no longer on the ETMC site, I was in a panic yesterday! Even more so after I received a comment from Alex stating how he was looking forward to seeing the movie list. I am truly relying on my sometimes creative memory to NOT fail me today.

I had a real hard time narrowing down my 12 favorite films to review (I am
believing that is what I signed up to do) but in the end after making a long list I had to develop one over-riding criteria to make the final 12. And here it is:

Every movie on the list, besides being one of my favorites, had to be a movie
that , if I were channel surfing, as soon as I saw it on the menu I would
IMMEDIATELY select it and, in many cases, watch it to the end no matter where in the movie I started watching. It was okay if I was just going to watch it until I hit a favorite scene or dialogue exchange.

The top five are hard-coded in that order. The rest are interchangeable. But all meet the above run on sentence criteria.

I present, the Dirty Dozen:


1. Where The Buffalo Roam (1980) *****

I literally cannot tell you how many times I have watched this movie. It is over 30 years old and I laugh my ass off every time I have watched it. This is a five-star recommendation so go and get it. Bill Murray plays the quintessential gonzo journalist, Hunter S. Thompson. His comedic timing is nothing short of brilliant. I confess to know virtually every line and inflection in this movie. Peter Boyle, Bruno Kirby, Craig T. Nelson, Rene Auberjonois, and Mark Metcalf round out a cast that is stellar. Boyle playing Thompson's lawyer was perfect casting. Every time I watch this movie I just want to be IN it. ..."but I won't believe Lazlo's dead, not until I can gnaw on his skull with my very own teeth,'cause it still hasn't got weird enough for me". The last line of the movie.

2. Heathers (1989) *****

Another comedy at the top of the list. I have a weird ordeal with this movie...I think everyone has seen it! I quote lines from it and then I ask whoever I am talking to if they have seen the movie (usually after a blank stare response to my quote) and almost none have. This movie is NOT a chick flick so do not be afraid to give it a whirl. Winona Ryder and Christian Slater team up in a bizarre combination of teenage angst from polar opposites. He, as the always on the move high school student due to his fathers work, and she as the "outside the circle of Heathers" high school teenager. The death and mayhem scenes are, well "teenage suicide, don't do it" by Big Fun. Shannon Doherty, Glenn Shadix, and Patrick Labourteaux are all great in their roles. The dark comedy of this movie is what makes it so great in addition to so many quotable lines. When Heather Duke (Doherty) says to Veronica (Ryder), "Damn Veronica, why are you pullin' my dick", you know you are watching class-A material. Get it, watch it, get hooked.

3. Top Gun (1986) *****

Another older movie but still one that makes me click "select" when channel
surfing. It is campy and predictable, the flight/fight scenes are engaging and Kelly Gillis is smoking hot! There are highs and lows, action, comedic tension breakers and truly an all-star cast. Who among us has not used or heard the words, "talk to me Goose, talk to me" yet today. If you have never watched it go and do so, if you have but it's been awhile...watch it again. Even the music gets your blood pumpin' a little faster. "I feel the need, the need for speed!"

4. Tombstone (1993) *****

Costner's Wyatt Earp movie is garbage next to this epic picture. Every role is
portrayed perfectly by the actor. Kilmer's Doc Holiday is so damn cool, I want to be him ("Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself"). The history of the OK Corral shoot-out and events before and after, are the obvious basis for this picture. Again, this is a stand-out all-star cast of heavy hitting actors. And Dana Delaney is smoking hot! " You tell 'em I'm comin', and Hell's comin' with me!" Gives me goosebumps just typing it.

5. Fight Club (1999) *****

This is one of the darkest, twistedest, "what the hell is going on" movies of all time. The shots supposedly of Tyler's (Pitt) junk that are interspersed within the movie was brilliant visualization of part of the story line. Never even knew about it the first 5 times I watched the movie. You can only see it...aww I won't ruin for those who have not seen. If you want to know more just email me. I love anything with Ed Norton in it, or Brad Pitt, or Helena Bonham Carter (oh yea, she's hot!). That they are all three is this movie of macabre and weirdness puts it over the top for me. True gold from beginning to end. "His name was Robert Paulson, his name was Robert Paulson." From Project Mayhem.


6. The Wall - Pink Floyd (1982) *****

I love this album. I know every word of the lyrics. I love the movie. And the
best part is, if you are not into Pink Floyd you will never get it or care for
it. I like being in a select group. If you like PF and have never seen it, go and do so now! It is spell-binding. And Bob Geldof is freaky good in the lead role of Pink. The film is structured around Pink's reflections on his life, all of which center on the building of "the wall." This wall is a metaphor for psychological isolation, a barrier Pink creates to distance himself from his pain. Then of course he has to tear it down.

7. Magnum Force (1973) *****

This movie came out my junior year in high school. How many times do you think I have used the line from the movie, "A man's gotta know his limitations." A
billion! Clint Eastwood was The Man back then. From his badass gunslinger in the Spaghetti Westerns to Dirty Harry. Oh yea, I wanted to be him and carry that gun that would "blow your head clean off". Lots of great actors in this film.

8. Halloween (1978) *****

And so began my love affair with Jamie Lee Curtis. I was saddened to see they
remade this great horror movie. The music, the tension, Donald Pleasence, still
scares the shit outta me. Best slasher movie of its time. " was that the boogie man?"

9. Heavy Metal (1981) *****

The animated chicks in this movie were stunningly hot and so real looking! Each of the five parts of this movie were driven by a throbbing rock sound track. John Candy, Eugene Levy, Harold Ramis all star in the animated good time. Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Cheap Trick, Nazareth supply the musical score. Good time fantasy flick.

10. Altered States (1980) *****

William Hurt is one of my favorite actors. His delivery and timing are so great. In this movie (again, not many people I know have seen it) Hurt plays a scientist trying to discover man's true place in the cosmos. He takes on a journey of mind-expanding experiments including sensory deprivation chambers, peyote rituals, and hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately things do not turn out as planned. Blair Brown is hot in this movie! Curl up with this one and relive the 70's.

11. Animal House (1978) *****

This movie launched more than a few careers. John Belushi was the star of this
hijinks flick. Who can forget the Double Secret Probation, Belushi's "see if you can guess what I am now?" cafeteria stunt or the Kevin Bacon "thank you sir may I have another" lines. The music, the partying, the carefree college years, how could it get any better. Toga, toga, toga, toga!

12. Pulp Fiction (1994) *****

Outrageously violent, time-twisting, and in love with language, Pulp Fiction was widely considered the most influential American movie of the 1990s. Director and co-screenwriter Quentin Tarantino. Samuel Jackson, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Ving Rhames, Harvy Keitel and a boat-load of other stars make this an instant classic and a must watch. At least now I know how to administer adrenaline to an OD victim properly. "A Royale with cheese".

I would be remiss to myself if I didn't at least mention my "near misses".

Honorable Mentions:

The Jerk- this could be included in my top ten so easily, god I love the movie.

The Big Lebowski - holy shit Dude, how the fuck did this not make it on the fucking list. Sums up the movie pretty good.

My Cousin Vinny - Joe Pesci was so funny in this movie I quote that voice all the time. The "two yoots" never gets old. Marisa Tomei was smoking hot AND integral to the movie.

Apocalypse Now - my all-time favorite Vietnam war movie. Period.


There ya go folks. Hope I did what the Dirty Dozen Blog Hop was all about, if not

I hope I turned you on to a movie or two that you haven't seen or need to see
again.


And it still hasn't got weird enough for me...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Weekend Graphs Are Here!!!

Once again to finsih off your weekend on a high note and stock your mind with Monday morning water cooler humor, I present this weekends graphs of the mundane. Look but don't touch...



see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


Hope you had a great weekend!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: 1000 Hits And Counting

Yesterday my blog reached its 1000th hit. The bad news: hits 1000 and 1001 were me viewing and editing the music I recently attached. Oh well, it is still 1000 hits in 5 months and may not be too shabby considering this blog is very fluid in subject matter.

So on this historic day, I would like to recognize some of the first followers I garnered and give any of you who read this, that are not already following them, a first class invite to visit their sites. None will disappoint. Plenty of links below.

Let's get started:

I want to first thank Pat Tillett and TS Hendrick for being my first two (dare I say simultaneous) followers. I am glad they were, as I have then weaved my way through blogland by reading their great sites and expanding my blog reading through following some of their followers. Guys, your sites are the first ones I look to read each day. They have been, and remain, amazing, both for text and visual reasons.

Angie from cinemaobsessed.com was one of the next people to join this fledgling blog. Angie and her sidekick Chantale, review movies 24/7 (I think) they have got lots of funny stuff on their site and post like 20 posts a day (just kidding but it is a lot!). They have reminded me of films I need to see and some I need to see again but maybe for different reasons. Their 89 Second Reviews are hilarious. Thanks gals!

I believe I began reading the Badass Geek before I even fired up my blog. His Seinfeld-like life stories are always entertaining and thought-provoking. Every post under the First Time Here list on his blog are classics. I believe every guy that finds his site will read the hilarious ...get a papercut on my balls. Don't be eating popcorn when you read this one because you WILL choke to death from laughing! Unless someone is around to do the Heimlich. I love this blog!

Now the Sleep Talkin' Man is a brilliant concept blog. Posts are short and require nothing more than transcribing the ramblings of Adam when he talks in his sleep. The fact he is British just makes it that much more funny to me. Ironically I caught his blog before he went all Hollywood and commercial. Then, like 3 days after I first read it I saw his blog featured on my local news and the Today show. If you think you get a bump in followers by being a Blog Of Note, holy shit! the Today show blows you up into full on stratosphere hits (4,000,000 post-Today show) and followers. I posted about him some time ago and you can read it here if you missed it. He was on the Today show back in January of this year, as of today he is at 10677 followers and has had 6,255,033 unique hits to his site. If you have never been...go check it out. Wait, you say he doesn't follow me? Really, but I thought...what? Shit, now I have promoted his site for nothing!

Copyboy at Not Worth Mentioning handles diverse and socially important issues with aplomb and creative insight (did I get that right, dude, Do I get my $20 now?). And he can turn you on to some great shit you never thought of for Christmas presents. Thanks to him I have all my shopping done early. Won't the family be surprised at the Russian roulette game this Christmas!

Captain Dumbass over at Us and Them was also an early follower of my blog. The antics of his kids and the way he writes about them is true gold. His wife just had a rough pregnancy but now he is blessed with a third son. God help him! The pregnant belly art was supreme genius and very understanding of the Supreme Leader. Is it okay to use the word supreme twice in the same sentence? I think it is.

Vickie at Oh Shoot Photography has become one of my favorite photo blogs to follow. Her pictures are absolutely stunning.

Lucy at Pictures Just Pictures is another great photographer whose pictures I always look forward to seeing. I am sorry she has kind of been MIA for a while but I hope she will be back to posting all her great shots again soon on a regular basis.


I think that about covers it for the first followers of my blog. Again I want to thank you for spending time with me and commenting when you feel like it. If I missed anybody and you read this post don't hesitate to call me on it. I want to give back by sharing your sites with other readers so they can be as entertained as I am.

Lastly I want to give a shout out to three sites I am an avid reader of but who are not currently followers of mine. They are three of my favorites:

RockandRoll Gourmet she is one hot and hip gourmet cook. I have made some of the meals she has posted and they were all kickass! Give her a look, her writing style combined with subject matter is very refreshing.

The Sassy Curmudgeon oh my God...Una LaMarche is so damn funny it is ridiculous! The post about buckwheat and the lamppost almost made me piss my pants laughing! Go here to read it.

Hyperbole And A Half greatest Paint artist with an overactive brain on the internet! When you read her stuff about Spaghatta Nadle you will roll on the floor...come to think of it everything she does makes me roll on the floor. She has been MIA for a couple weeks but her older posts from earlier this year are fantastic. I warn you now, when you go and read about the Nadle you will be on the site for a while. She is crazy creative.

Okay, this post has gone on way too long and I am finished for today with my giving back.

Thanks again and until next time...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Life Has Some Simple Rules --- Rule 34

Sunday graphs are here! This will either end your weekend on a high note or start your week with a bang. What better to show your co-workers first thing Monday morning than graphs that will make them laugh. You will be the hero of the office!

Unless you don't work and then you will have to chuckle softly to yourself at home....

Either way, enjoy.......



see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Curse Of The iPhone...It's The Apple

This really is one of Zeppelin's best tunes and fits this post...enjoy



It has been a long time since I posted an original opinionated rant...but I am afraid I must. Some of this will be humorous, some will be serious. Some of this will cause you to take a better look at yourself, and sadly, it will make you want to take a picture of yourself.

I am referring to the ubiquitous, heroin-like addicting iPhone.

I first and foremost hate the pretentious lower-case "i" merging into the upper-case"P" as if this is a word and will soon appear in Websters. You and I both know this is coming and it will be a dark day when that happens. How snobby that a little i precedes a big P.

Secondly, I hate Apple in general. I'm a PC guy. The primary reason is the thinly veiled Biblical reference of their icon:

The apple with one bite taken, come on...this is symbolic of the fateful bite Eve took in the Garden Of Eden when the serpant (vaguely resembling Steve Jobs) handed her the apple. Who knew that the end game of this terrible breach of God's forbiddence would be Apple computers (with their sappy Macintosh, or Mac for short, name) and eventually...the iPhone.

There are even rainbow Apple logos for gay and lesbian pride:

And above, my personnel favorite, The Apocalyptical Apple.

The iPhone is now in its 4th incarnation and has gone 4g. I see this never stopping. Why? Because this insidious electronic gadget has the power to separate you from true human interaction without ever feeling the effects of de-socializing. And for those wanting to escape the assholes of the world, what better way to do it. Ironically, once infected with iPhoneitis, being deprived of its use may one day (if it hasn't already) lead to suicide. In fact I challenge doctors who do this kind of shit for giggles, to set a person, who has relied on their iPhone for most of there daily life for the last 3 years, in a padded room (necessary I assure you) with only their iPhone...and a dead battery! Study how long it takes them to break the phone into sharp pieces they can use to slit their wrists. Ha, now THAT would be study worth undertaking!

Sorry...calm shallow breathing...in...out...in...out. Okay, why now does this wind me up so, you might ask. Go ahead, ask me!

Welll, here we go.........
My wife was having "problems" with her phone (unbeknownst to me). It was one of those where the top of the phone slides up and down. She claimed it was just arbitrarily turning off for no reason. She needed to upgrade her phone. Of course I knew none of this until I happened to be looking at our bank activity online and found a charge to ATT. Now I knew I paid all the bills but the one bill she would make sure was paid was her phone bill. I called her and asked her if she charged something to ATT. Why yes she did...and since she was now telling me the story of the non-working current phone, how could it it not be a deal of the day to get.....a reconditioned iPhone! "Honey, it was only $49.95, they normally go for $300! Wasn't that a good deal?"

I liken this to the "here give this a little try" sales pitch from your neighborhood heroin or crack dealer. There is absolutely no difference. In either product or marketing plan. Don't you agree?

I must digress for a moment. I, like a billion other people on this planet, have a cell phone. It is fairly archaic by today's standards even though it is only a year old. It has a $49.95 a month unlimited everything plan, does texting, takes and sends pictures, will accept cool ring tones, has a color display, and is Bluetooth enabled. So by saying that, I want you to know I am not advocating the return to communicating with sticks and clay tablets. But when I am not using my phone as a phone, replying to a text (minimal texting is my motto), or taking a picture of the moment, it is silently stashed in its pouch on my hip.

I can't watch YouTube, I can't make fart sounds, and I certainly can't use my phone as a leveling device. My phone is not an MP3 player or a bowling alley. It is a damn phone with a couple other features (the text and camera things). Period. I call it minimalistic need.

Back to the story. Now the iPhone arrives a few days later and yes it was only $49.95. A few days after that a rubber case for the iPhone shows up...$16.95. Then of course the data plan which you must have to use the internet...$29.95 per month addition to our bill! And the most devious thing of all...access to the freakin' AppStore!! No, don't get me wrong, there are a billion free apps, but you know, you just know, that there will be some $1.99, $2.99 charges showing up for some non-free apps.

My wife says a lot of funny things. This was one of the funniest, "Honey we'll decide together on any apps you have to pay for, okay?" Was this really a question? Was there a chance when I said "Okay" that I would ever be asked about buying an app from the freakin' AppStore? Was I really supposed to feel like a partner in the use of the iPhone? NO to all of it!!!

Periodically as I am checking our main bank account online I view the activity on her bank card. I have seen a couple App purchases and casually asked about them. Then when she excitedly shows me what she got, why she got it, and how cool it is, in that happy 20-yr old voice she can find for times like this, how can I not just love her to pieces and say "that's nice honey".

Now I only know two things about this whole ordeal:

1.   I am really scared to see the first bill (should be anyday now)

2.   I want one too! Shit. Some drank the cool-aid, some took the red pill, I just want to bite that fucking apple!

Of course there's an App you can get to write your name on a picture you've taken with the iPhone. She thinks this makes it all better...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Bash ma punta, bash ma punta

Things Frank Finds Funny is where you need to go now! This is absolutely the funniest (and most painful) thing I have seen in a long time. Go check it out...I'll wait. When you have time check out some of his recent posts, they are freakin' hilarious.

Oh my god is this funny................

Today's Apocalypse Sign: I'm An Oscar Meyer Weiner...Not Really

This is just a quick thing I thought up as I read the latest post over at Dick's.

I was thinking that just reading his post gave me enough to whip up a quick graph to quantify his failure to keep us informed of his thoughts and activities, which if the name of your site is Adventures Of Being A Dick, well then we want some freakin' adventures and not excuses!!!...so I give you:



I guess this is kind of bass akwards but you probably should go read the material first, class dismissed!


**You'll have to read some past posts of his to understand the fire reference as there is nothing in the latest post...but it's funny once you get it.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Graphs To Take To Work With You Monday

Here are this weekends graphs to entertain you and stimulate your brain:


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


Hope you had a great weekend!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: And They're Coming To A Town Near You

Proof still that the stupidity gene pool is as endless as the oil BP is dumping in the Gulf:

I'm not eating at this place.

Now that might work!

DVD rewinder. What were they thinking?

Yea. Should we tell him that even the short bus uses oil?...




"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."
                                           ~John Wayne

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Epic Fails Are Everywhere

DOOMED FROM THE START:

Lose weight, then go have some pie and ice cream!

That's great! I think everyone should have both a DRAEM and a DERAM!
Too many people just have DREAMS these days!

Who the Hell was in charge of their advertising!?

I would like to have seen him do this...

What?

Those are lighthouses?




"There's no "I" in stupid"
                    ~Anonymous Dumbass


"Stupid is as stupid does"
                   ~Forrest Gump

Today;'s Apocalypse Sign: Caller ID - Window To The Soul

Where I work we use VOiP phones as our method of communication. The beauty of this system is the caller ID function that allows you to kind of know who is calling you before you pick up the phone. Imagine one of my employee's surprise when this call comes over the line. He actually called me over to inquire as to whether or not to answer the call. Then I took a picture with my cell phone, 'cause you just can't let these gems get away.

I told him sure, go ahead and answer it. But of course...put it on speaker. He does and it's like a minute of somebody breathing and fumbling around. All the while my agent is asking, "Helloe?...Hello". Over and over again. It was like some bad scene from the show Punk'd.

Finally the guy came on the phone and it turned into sort of a regular type call which bored me so I walked away.

I am not sure how you program your phone to show something like that on caller ID but you can bet your ass I want to know!

Or.....did the phone just KNOW how to announce his call based on his personality???

Some questions will never be answered but this was funny as shit and made my day!