Today's Apocalypse Sign: Day After Christmas Graphs While I'm On Vacation

What could be better after another gut-filling/busting holiday meal? The exercise you get gut-busting laughing at the weekend graphs...of course!

Now drop and give me twenty, ha ha's that is!

Merry Christmas to all.



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Today's Apocalypse Sign: Day One, Christmas Vacation (The Departure)

Well folks the day is here. The dogs are one day into their new dog-sitter environment and we leave DFW tonight at 7PM for the great white north of Ohio. Of course my wife has called the dog-sitters for an update already.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a big thanks for sticking with me for this first year (year One will be January 11th, I think). I appreciate all the readers and especially the commenters. I also enjoy reading all your blogs and commenting as well. The bonds formed on the Internet are unique. And to be treasured. Several of you have shared hardships and trials on your lives, for you I hope the holidays are particularly joyous.

A special thanks to Pat Tillet who was one of the first readers and followers. His blog has steered a fair number of readers my way and I really appreciate all the kind words over the last year.

I doubt I will be posting while I am gone but I'll be back next week. Until then be safe, be happy, and be in the company of friends and family.

Merry Christmas to all!

And I'll see ya on the other side.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Exploited Reindeer

Some reindeer are not very good at foraging during the rough Texas winters and they have to take jobs decorating peoples yards at Christmas time. They are just a shadow of their former selves.

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Today's Apocalypse Sign: My Stab At Weekend Reflections

We were over at some friends last night for our annual Chinese Christmas party and gift exchange. I walked out in their back yard while the sun was still out and snapped a couple shots of their pool. I thought the reflections looked pretty cool so I am sharing them here...B&W and color versions.

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Today's Apocalypse Sign: T'Was The Weekend Graphs Before Christmas

Even though these don't really have anything to do with the holidays, I thought I would throw a little holiday reference into the title.

This weeks graphs for your sadistic pleasure...



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Today's Apocalypse Sign: Evil Corporate Bastards!

Okay, I know that a lot of companies could fall into this category but today I am naming the Bastard King of corporate America....


GMAC


Without going into all the details, I have had a run-in with some unauthorized charges on my bank card. Once alerted I called the customer service fraud department of my bank. I was grateful for the email I received alerting me to possible fraud. Many things piss me off about banks and even my bank, but this alert feature has always worked well and, most importantly, quickly.

When the customer service rep answered I could barely understand him. We muddled through the conversation like some holiday game of verbal charades. Finally he understood what I had not authorized and informed me that due to possible fraud he was canceling my bank card and I would be issued a new one in 5 to 7 days. (WTF!...I'm geting ready to leave on vacation and I may not have access to my funds??) He then told me I would be emailed a dispute form from another department to lodge my case for the unauthorized charge. This was a $688 wallop I could not afford, especially this time of year.

So the card was canceled and it has now been 4 days. Good news...received my new card today, bad news...have not seen hide nor hair of my dispute form.

Okay, now on to the Evil Corporate Bastards...GMAC.

I have both my auto loan and home mortgage through GMAC. This is what is termed "all my eggs in one basket"...for better or worse.

Today is worse.

 My wife had the idea to call GMAC and ask them to defer this months payment to the end of the note. Every payment for the last 5 years has been on time and there are only 8 payments left. Some call center agent who I could barely understand and never did get a name from, listens to my plight and then explains to me when my payment is due and would I like to make a payment over the phone. I then s l o w l y explained what I wanted them to do for me. When she finally understood, SHE explained that GMAC does not do payment deferments but not to worry because my payment will not be considered late until 15 days after the due date  (the only funny part of this is she said my payment was due on 12/25 and wouldn't be late until January second...what??? then she corrected herself and said it wouldn't be late until after January 11th. Oh please!

I said she didn't understand (and clearly did not use a calendar I am familar with)...but then she gave me what must have been in her mind, the best news yet...and "nothing will be reported to your credit bureau until after thirty days!" You can make up your own versions of what I was itching to tell her after that. Useless bitch!

So no can-do with the auto loan division.

What the hell, I'm steamed already, let's go for the mortgage division.

You guessed it, I got her sister as the call agent this time. I asked for an English speaking male...I don't think she actually understood what I was asking for.  I am stuck with her.  Went three rounds with the same story but the twist was the payment is not due til January first so technically it is not a "December payment"! Explaining to her that in order to get the payment on time I had to make it in DECEMBER!!!!! In fact I would have to send it by the 26th to get to GMAC on time. She calmly told me my December payment had been made on 11/25 and I was current on my account...holy Jesus is the reason for the season!...not new information. When she finally grasped my situation, she bluntly informed me that they do not do deferrals and gave the same late payment/credit bureau bullshit her "sister" gave me earlier.

Now I do not do this type of request easily or frequently. I have however done this in the past for hardship circumstances and been able to just add another payment to the end of the note. Hell, I've gotten offers in the past from loan companies offering the holiday Skip A Payment option. Rarely used, but offered nonetheless.

Now I know GM, Ford and other auto companies who handle their own financing rely on these divisions to bail them out on the balance sheet, but really what was the hurt of moving a payment from this month to the end of the loan? They are still going to get their money from me.

They are just...

Evil Corporate Bastards

Thank you for letting me rant!

I promise tomorrow I will be back to the adventures of the Vacation Prep. As for now, my one week pre-vacation psychotic break has arrived right on schedule.

Merry Christmas

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Dog Sitters Are Good To Go!

T-7 days

A couple great things about today (most of it sucked but these were good):

1) Only one more week of work before the big 'ol jet airliner vacay to far off lands (Ohio).

2) The dog-sitters and dogs were introduced...and we are good to go! They may even be crazy enough to attempt my wife's list of care and feeding.

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Now we are down to the final days of vacation preparation. This includes:

1) Washing and grooming the dogs with last minute instructions (to the dogs) as to behavior expected.

2) Beginning the rough draft of what to pack (dry run to be done on Sunday)

3) Buy gift and wrap for office Christmas gift exchange Friday

4) Wife and I buy gifts for Chinese Chrismas party at friends Saturday night (always a hoot)

5) Take tables and chairs to friends in preparatin for Chinese Christmas party (always sucks)

6) Return with same tables and chairs on Sunday morning (really super sucks)

7) Launder as necessary the items we decide to take

8) Check that all photo and video units and accessories are ready to go

9) Watch Weather Channel endlessly to spot any need for last minute clothing adjustments

10) Monitor all food in the fridge so that anything that will spoil in a week will be gone by noon next Wednesday

11) What to wear in preparation of the full body scan at the airport (would writing FUCK YOU above my crotch in reflective paint get me in trouble?) Would that even do anything? I would like to think it would.

Then it's vacation time!

You've vacationed...what am I leaving off my list (cuz ya know that is what drives us crazy!)

Merry Christmas1

Today's Apolcalypse Sign: I Thought I'd Never Get Back Here...To The Monday Minute!

Wow, I missed like several of these and I don't know why Monday's have slipped right by me. No matter, I enjoy the Monday Minute and love to reflect my day in my answers. So here we go:


(1) Who is your favorite actor?
My dog Caesar. He acts like he is never fed, he acts like he gets no attention, he acts like he doesn't fart. It's an academy award kind of day every day!


(2) Do you collect anything?
I apparently collect CD's that failed to burn properly or were damaged while attempting to extract them from a jewel case...I just found this out when I opened a desk drawer I had not been in for quite some time and BAM! there must of been 50 of those suckers.

(3) What's the biggest turn off in someone of the opposite sex?
Some one who wasn't the "opposite" originally...know what I mean, Lola?

(4) If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to and why?
Ghost. Can you just imagine...at a party??? No better ice-breaker. "Hi, my name's Ghost, have we met?"
(5) What virtue is better: forgiveness or justice?
Ah, the chicken or the egg of our society's morals. I say justice first then forgiveness, both have equal needs in our civilization. Ain't that right Sierra Leone?

Today's Apocalypse Sign: More Graphs, Less Talk

With out intro or further ado, here are this weeks graphs for you! View with caution.




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Today's Apocalypse Sign: Oh Yeah, It's Real!

There is no intro needed. Here is the completed dog-sitter list of instructions and info for our vacation dog-sitter that my wife put together today. Enjoy!

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Caesar Farch


5yrs old

Birthday Oct 1, 2005



Owners: Chuck & Brandi Farch

Address: 12215 LBJ Freeway

Garland, TX 75041

Brandi Cell: 214-435-3194

Chuck Cell: 214-876-6652



MaryAnn: 214-878-2391  Emergency Contact (Local)



Veterinarian: Town East Galloway

2860 N Galloway Ave.

Mesquite, TX 75150

972-613-9871

Hours: Mon-Fri: 8am-6pm

Sat: 8am-12pm

Sun: Closed



Emergency after hours: 972-226-3377



Pet Record:

Service Good until

Dapp/duramuneAdult Vaccination Apr 4, 2011

Leptovax Vaccination Apr 6, 2011

Bordetella Booster Apr 19, 2011

Heartworm/Erhlichia/Lymes Test Jun 16, 2012

Rabies Canine 1 Year Booster Jun 16, 2013



Caesar’s Potty, Food & Snacks

Food, Snacks & Vitamins: Provided

(HE LOVES SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH YOU)



· Needs to go potty 1st thing in the morning when you get up.



· After his AM potty he gets a vitamin and a doggy snack.



· He is used to going out around 12pm if possible for peepee and poopoo and gets a doggy snack after



· He is used to going out around 5pm before dinner poop (no doggy snack)



· 5:30pm Dinner (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water



· 7:30pm Poop and Pee – doggy snack after



· Before bed peepee used to around 9:30 or 10pm doggy snack after



Caesar’s habits



· Loves to play tug of war



· Gets excited while walking outside – may try to attack his lease – you have to be firm with him and maybe even swat him on the butt



· Most of the time he needs his butt wiped after he poops (not a very good pincher)



· Snores – sometimes it’s loud but just give him a nudge and say stop snoring until he stops



· Gassy (it’s a Boston trait)



· Loves to be rubbed on the belly



· Nicknames – Booboo – Teeter – Monkey – Sneezer



· Gets excited when playing but he is not mean - PROMISE


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Cornelia Farch

6 months old

Birthday June 26, 2010



Owners: Chuck & Brandi Farch

Address: 12215 LBJ Freeway

Garland, TX 75041

Brandi Cell: 214-435-3194

Chuck Cell: 214-876-6652



MaryAnn: 214-878-2391 Emergency contact (local)



Veterinarian: Town East Galloway

2860 N Galloway Ave.

Mesquite, TX 75150

972-613-9871



Hours: Mon-Fri: 8am-6pm

Sat: 8am-12pm

Sun: Closed



Emergency after hours: 972-226-3377



Pet Record:

Service Good until

Bordetella Booster Apr 19, 2011

Dhlp/Parvo/Corona Annual Oct 19, 2011

Rabies Canine 1 Year Booster Oct 19, 2011





Cornelia’s Potty, Food & Snacks

Food, Snacks & Vitamins: Provided

(SHE LOVES SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH YOU)



· Needs to go potty 1st thing in the morning when you get up.



· After her AM potty she gets a vitamin and breakfast. (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water.



· Within 2 hours of eating she needs to go potty and gets a doggy snack after.



· She is used to being crated during the day.



· She is used to going out around 12pm if possible for peepee and poopoo and gets a doggy snack after



· She is used to going out around 5pm before dinner poop (no doggy snack)



· 5:30pm Dinner (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water



· 7:30pm Poop and Pee – doggy snack after



· Before bed peepee 9:30 or 10pm doggy snack after





Cornelia’s habits



· Loves to be rubbed on the belly



· Loves kisses



· Loves her sweater – but not at night



· You have to keep an eye on her – she is about 95% potty trained but she is still a puppy



· She is just now beginning to snore – it’s not very loud



· Gassy as most Boston’s are



· Loves to just be held and cuddled



· Please do not call her Corn-Dog, Corny – either Baby Girl or Cornelia (Mommy request)

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Can you think of anything she might have missed???

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Dreaded Vacation Prep

Exactly 2 weeks from now I leave the cozy confines of Dallas, TX and wing my way northward to the (hopefully) snowy shores of the Ohio coast of Lake Erie for Christmas Vacation. Oh yeah, my wife is going too!

I capitalize Christmas Vacation because with two weeks to go, my wife and I do this sadistic ritual of vacation preparation that has the potential to become a Chevy Chase-caliber movie. She and I are the lead roles, the two dogs are the supporting cast. Hilarity and slapstick along with possible injury are bound to ensue.

Last night we completed the task of ordering the family gifts. We generally decide on one type of gift and order different styles for each member of the family. Keeps us from over thinking and over spending.

We ordered online, huddled around the computer like elfin-geeks of sorts, and the two dogs tried everything (including untimely flatulence) to distract us. My wife kept sniffing and asking if it was me. After a tortured hour of "I like this" and "honey,that's ugly" and "whatever, get the one you like"...the order was complete. As usual we shipped it directly to my mothers house in Ohio so all we have to do is wrap when we get there. Pure genius!

Now today we are at defcon level 5 minus 14 days. Tonight we prepare the List for the dog sitters. Our canine versions of Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are overly spoiled and pampered. And...I've been in a panic for four days since we found out our stand-by dog sitter (with her new 4-yr old Boston male) was not going to be able to handle our 5-yr old male AND a 6-month old female. My wife took them to the sitters house on Sunday for a test and that lasted approximately 10 minutes.

Now what! No budget for boarding and I loathe doing that for lots of reasons. No plan B...we were flying without a net on this one. Holy shit we're screwed! Skipping the juicy parts, that all got resolved today and a huge weight is off my shoulders...but there is still 2 weeks to go. That sound you heard was me holding my breath.

Anyway, tonight we have to prepare the instructions for the care, feeding, pooping, sleeping, etc. of our two whack-jobs for an entire week. In a strange house with strange people.

Here is a brief sample of our canine comedy shop: dinner time involves a measured portion of organic dry food for each. Then a measured portion of holistic canned food (this shit is so tasty good smelling that after the apocalypse I'm heading for Pet Smart not Tom Thumb). The canned food is rather chunky so we finely chop it with a spoon. Then a little warm water stirred in and mixed to a nicely blended consistency and served. (Hungry yet?) All the while the dogs are sitting there watching like, "is it soup yet...how about now...is it soup yet?"


The two loonies eat on opposite sides of the kitchen. When they are both done (I've got this down to where they finish almost simultaneously)...THEN they go to each others empty bowl and spend 5 minutes licking.clean.stainless.steel.
 
I am sure we will argue over what the sitters will and won't be willing to do for us and the fact they are doing it for free we can't expect it to be like home...yada, yada, yada. The List will start out War And Peace-like and end up on a Post-It note. She will finish it and I will be watching Criminal Minds. Then we'll review it.

This should be the hardest day of the prep.

Next time, tune in for the fun home game of Pack It Or Leave it! that will take a few days to sort out.

If you are going home for the Holidays, travel safe. And if you are flying, wear lead underwear (that'll teach 'em).

Merry/Happy whatever holiday you celebrate.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: We Have Winner!

Elizabeth Edwards dies of cancer at 61

This headline jumped off the page at me as I was logging out of my windowslive account just now. I know I just heard this morning that the doctors had decided no further treatment would be productive. They never even mentioned on the Today Show that she was thisclosetodeath.
 
Though technically not a politician, being the high-profile wife of a philandering ex-presidential candidate (say that three times fast) I think fills my prediction from just yesterday of the genre of the third celebrity death in this threesome.
 
Wow! This all went so fast. In less than a week we had Leslie Neilson (actor), Don Meredith (sports legend), and Elizabeth Edwards (politico spouse) fade to black. This must be some kind of record.
 
Here is short clip on Elizabeth Edwards battle with cancer.
 


RIP Liz.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Never Doubt Me...Ever.

Well, for those of you that had no belief and more importantly, no bets in, we have Number 2 on our Holiday Threesome...and it didn't take long. I must say I was completely blindsided by this one as I listened to the radio today at work:

"Dandy" Don Meredith, former Dallas Cowboy QB sports broadcaster, dead at the age of 72 of a brain hemorrage.



I always remember Don Meredith for two things, 1) Green Bay beat him and the Cowboys in consecutive years ('66 and '67) to go to the first two Super Bowls, and 2) his wit and humor in the Monday Football broadcast booth while keeping Howard Cosell in line.

His last appearance I know of was singing the Turn Out The Lights song when Texas Stadium was imploded earlier this year. He will be missed.

In case you missed it the first time here is that implosion and Dandy Don doing his final serenade:



Don Meredith's party is over and the lights are out.

Now the question remains...who will YOU pick as the third member of the Threesome? I now have a feeling it will be a politcian. What do you say? Get your bets in now.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Weekend Graphs...I Made It Up To You!

Sorry about the last couple weeks. To make it up to ya, here are six graphs and 2 funny short vids to kick-start your funny bone.

Enjoy these on me!



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Today's Apocalypse Sign: In The End Whoring Doesn't Pay (Usually)

Well the drawing over at Nat The Fat Rat has come and gone. As is my lot many times...I didn't friggin' win! So instead of this type of drawing for Christmas:

My wife will get this masterpiece



And apparently a magnifying glass!



Shorty, this ones on you...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Still Whoring For A Drawing

Check out how good an artist Rachel Stratford is when it comes to pencil drawings.

This is one of Nat's dogs that Rachel drew. I know she could do great justice to my little Boston.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Holiday Threesome Has Begun!

Yep, we have hit that time of year again. No, it isn't Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Festivus (for the rest of us). It is the real life version (sort of) of the Three Christmas Spirits.

It is the Celebrity Dead Pool. The Curse of The Threes.

You know it or have heard whispers of it. When a big celebrity dies, there are two more coming right behind them. And when the first one happens right before December, you know 2 more celebs will not see the new year.

And to kick things off this year, none other than our beloved Leslie Neilson dies of pneumonia complications while battling a staph infection. I loved the movie Airplane and can quote most of it by heart. His comedic timing and sight gags were hilarious.

Watch the tribute below, it's worth it:




The question now becomes, who will be the next to fall victim of this Curse?

Will it be the always favorite Dead Pool candidate, Wilfred Brimley (TS, do you have your money on this one??) or will it be a dark horse such as the supposedly recovering Michael Douglas? Maybe a rehab long shot like Lindsay Lohan? The field is wide open. Hollywood. Sports Stars. Politicians.

So put your thinking caps on and enter your two votes in the comments. Somebody has to be right, right? Bonus points for guessing the method of death. Triple points for guessing the date.

I'm going with Sarah Palin, she will choke to death on her own foot. Curiously, no one around her at the time will know the Heimlich maneuver. However someone at the book signing will attempt a tracheotomy using the pen she was signing a book with. Fail.

And I'll also go with ex-president Jimmy Carter, again a choking victim...peanuts, what else. He will attempt to get the nut down by guzzling his collector's can of Billy Beer, but alas, that just makes matters worse. The combination of the two results in fatal anaphylaxis. Now the Republicans will again have the majority of ex-presidents by a 2-1 margin.

I look forward to seeing your selections.