Today's Apocalypse Sign: Part Deux: Dogs OF Winter Reprise

After watching a reminder of last winter over at Wanna Buy A Duck...I felt compelled to post this video again. Still makes me laugh and, yes, I feel a little cooler now. Also, my dogs are still insane.



Thanks Manzanita for the inspiration and a little bit of a chill on this hot day!


130 shopping days til Christmas...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Apparently The World Has Gone To The Dogs!

Same friend sent me this one and I had NOT heard it before. Still laughing!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper", said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Oh Yeah, It's Real!

There is no intro needed. Here is the completed dog-sitter list of instructions and info for our vacation dog-sitter that my wife put together today. Enjoy!

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Caesar Farch


5yrs old

Birthday Oct 1, 2005



Owners: Chuck & Brandi Farch

Address: 12215 LBJ Freeway

Garland, TX 75041

Brandi Cell: 214-435-3194

Chuck Cell: 214-876-6652



MaryAnn: 214-878-2391  Emergency Contact (Local)



Veterinarian: Town East Galloway

2860 N Galloway Ave.

Mesquite, TX 75150

972-613-9871

Hours: Mon-Fri: 8am-6pm

Sat: 8am-12pm

Sun: Closed



Emergency after hours: 972-226-3377



Pet Record:

Service Good until

Dapp/duramuneAdult Vaccination Apr 4, 2011

Leptovax Vaccination Apr 6, 2011

Bordetella Booster Apr 19, 2011

Heartworm/Erhlichia/Lymes Test Jun 16, 2012

Rabies Canine 1 Year Booster Jun 16, 2013



Caesar’s Potty, Food & Snacks

Food, Snacks & Vitamins: Provided

(HE LOVES SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH YOU)



· Needs to go potty 1st thing in the morning when you get up.



· After his AM potty he gets a vitamin and a doggy snack.



· He is used to going out around 12pm if possible for peepee and poopoo and gets a doggy snack after



· He is used to going out around 5pm before dinner poop (no doggy snack)



· 5:30pm Dinner (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water



· 7:30pm Poop and Pee – doggy snack after



· Before bed peepee used to around 9:30 or 10pm doggy snack after



Caesar’s habits



· Loves to play tug of war



· Gets excited while walking outside – may try to attack his lease – you have to be firm with him and maybe even swat him on the butt



· Most of the time he needs his butt wiped after he poops (not a very good pincher)



· Snores – sometimes it’s loud but just give him a nudge and say stop snoring until he stops



· Gassy (it’s a Boston trait)



· Loves to be rubbed on the belly



· Nicknames – Booboo – Teeter – Monkey – Sneezer



· Gets excited when playing but he is not mean - PROMISE


------------------------------------------------------------------


Cornelia Farch

6 months old

Birthday June 26, 2010



Owners: Chuck & Brandi Farch

Address: 12215 LBJ Freeway

Garland, TX 75041

Brandi Cell: 214-435-3194

Chuck Cell: 214-876-6652



MaryAnn: 214-878-2391 Emergency contact (local)



Veterinarian: Town East Galloway

2860 N Galloway Ave.

Mesquite, TX 75150

972-613-9871



Hours: Mon-Fri: 8am-6pm

Sat: 8am-12pm

Sun: Closed



Emergency after hours: 972-226-3377



Pet Record:

Service Good until

Bordetella Booster Apr 19, 2011

Dhlp/Parvo/Corona Annual Oct 19, 2011

Rabies Canine 1 Year Booster Oct 19, 2011





Cornelia’s Potty, Food & Snacks

Food, Snacks & Vitamins: Provided

(SHE LOVES SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH YOU)



· Needs to go potty 1st thing in the morning when you get up.



· After her AM potty she gets a vitamin and breakfast. (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water.



· Within 2 hours of eating she needs to go potty and gets a doggy snack after.



· She is used to being crated during the day.



· She is used to going out around 12pm if possible for peepee and poopoo and gets a doggy snack after



· She is used to going out around 5pm before dinner poop (no doggy snack)



· 5:30pm Dinner (1 baggy dry food mixed with 2 table spoons of wet – warm wet food up with hot water



· 7:30pm Poop and Pee – doggy snack after



· Before bed peepee 9:30 or 10pm doggy snack after





Cornelia’s habits



· Loves to be rubbed on the belly



· Loves kisses



· Loves her sweater – but not at night



· You have to keep an eye on her – she is about 95% potty trained but she is still a puppy



· She is just now beginning to snore – it’s not very loud



· Gassy as most Boston’s are



· Loves to just be held and cuddled



· Please do not call her Corn-Dog, Corny – either Baby Girl or Cornelia (Mommy request)

----------------------------------------------------------

Can you think of anything she might have missed???

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Dreaded Vacation Prep

Exactly 2 weeks from now I leave the cozy confines of Dallas, TX and wing my way northward to the (hopefully) snowy shores of the Ohio coast of Lake Erie for Christmas Vacation. Oh yeah, my wife is going too!

I capitalize Christmas Vacation because with two weeks to go, my wife and I do this sadistic ritual of vacation preparation that has the potential to become a Chevy Chase-caliber movie. She and I are the lead roles, the two dogs are the supporting cast. Hilarity and slapstick along with possible injury are bound to ensue.

Last night we completed the task of ordering the family gifts. We generally decide on one type of gift and order different styles for each member of the family. Keeps us from over thinking and over spending.

We ordered online, huddled around the computer like elfin-geeks of sorts, and the two dogs tried everything (including untimely flatulence) to distract us. My wife kept sniffing and asking if it was me. After a tortured hour of "I like this" and "honey,that's ugly" and "whatever, get the one you like"...the order was complete. As usual we shipped it directly to my mothers house in Ohio so all we have to do is wrap when we get there. Pure genius!

Now today we are at defcon level 5 minus 14 days. Tonight we prepare the List for the dog sitters. Our canine versions of Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are overly spoiled and pampered. And...I've been in a panic for four days since we found out our stand-by dog sitter (with her new 4-yr old Boston male) was not going to be able to handle our 5-yr old male AND a 6-month old female. My wife took them to the sitters house on Sunday for a test and that lasted approximately 10 minutes.

Now what! No budget for boarding and I loathe doing that for lots of reasons. No plan B...we were flying without a net on this one. Holy shit we're screwed! Skipping the juicy parts, that all got resolved today and a huge weight is off my shoulders...but there is still 2 weeks to go. That sound you heard was me holding my breath.

Anyway, tonight we have to prepare the instructions for the care, feeding, pooping, sleeping, etc. of our two whack-jobs for an entire week. In a strange house with strange people.

Here is a brief sample of our canine comedy shop: dinner time involves a measured portion of organic dry food for each. Then a measured portion of holistic canned food (this shit is so tasty good smelling that after the apocalypse I'm heading for Pet Smart not Tom Thumb). The canned food is rather chunky so we finely chop it with a spoon. Then a little warm water stirred in and mixed to a nicely blended consistency and served. (Hungry yet?) All the while the dogs are sitting there watching like, "is it soup yet...how about now...is it soup yet?"


The two loonies eat on opposite sides of the kitchen. When they are both done (I've got this down to where they finish almost simultaneously)...THEN they go to each others empty bowl and spend 5 minutes licking.clean.stainless.steel.
 
I am sure we will argue over what the sitters will and won't be willing to do for us and the fact they are doing it for free we can't expect it to be like home...yada, yada, yada. The List will start out War And Peace-like and end up on a Post-It note. She will finish it and I will be watching Criminal Minds. Then we'll review it.

This should be the hardest day of the prep.

Next time, tune in for the fun home game of Pack It Or Leave it! that will take a few days to sort out.

If you are going home for the Holidays, travel safe. And if you are flying, wear lead underwear (that'll teach 'em).

Merry/Happy whatever holiday you celebrate.

Todays Apocalypse Sign: Shape-Shifting Pets

This may be a sign of the apocalypse for real. I have long suspected my dog of either being possessed, bi-polar, or having a split personality. I have never been able to fully determine which of these it is.

But today while fooling around with my new Fuji FinePix point and shoot, I think I have stumbled on what is really the cause of Caesar's mental state...he is an alien shape-shifter! No shit.

The camera, as we all know, catches things the human eye misses. Today I was in the right place at the right time and caught the following action.

You decide if what you see below justifies my statement above. Take a look:

Click on the pictures to enlarge. This is necessary.

Caesar just sitting by my desk. I wanted to try the new camera and get a few shots of him. But strangely I could not get him to look directly at me. Very suspicious...

Then he kind of half turns and gives me this evil look like only he knows whats going on and there is nothing I can do about it. Still not making direct eye contact, just a furtive sideways look...

THERE! You see that! Just at the exact moment I snapped the shutter...BAM..shape-shift occurs! See how he bent time AND space. You do see it right?

Now a completely different and normal dog-like expression. Like, "What? What are you looking at? Nothing happened. Keep playing with your camera."

If there are other dogs out there like this and they are communicating on the sub-audio dog frequency, humans are in big trouble.

So get your cameras out you dog owners and see if you can catch your dog shape-shifting. I know I can't have the only one.

Will I be sleeping with one eye open now...you bet