Today's Apocalypse Sign: Polyester Is The New Silk

I know for many people my age and close to my age or anyone who was growing up in the 70's, polyester brings back the visions of disco and shiny pants that made music when you walked. (Much like blowing on a wax paper wrapped comb as a musical instrument.) I know many people who will not be caught dead in polyester or claim to get some affliction should they accidentally put on anything with more than 10% polyester content.

I am here to proudly tell you two things: my entire work wardrobe is 95% polyester (for those who may be confused...this means 95% of my wardrobe is 100% polyester and not what you were thinking.) AND the polo shirts I found at WalMart are 100% percent polyester and quite badass.

In addition to the shirts being 100% polyester, there are two more things: they have a dri-wick feature to you cool AND they feel just like a couple silk shirts I own. I never wear the silk shirts. Dog claws snag an $80 silk shirt I'd be pissed...dog snags a $12 polyester shirt, I just go to WalMart and by another one!

The best thing about polyester nowadays (does that make one sound Old, saying that?) is that it does not fade!! I have had some great cotton shirts and pants in the past that after 4 or 5 washings the blacks were turning grey and the reds were morphing to pink. The vibrance of these shirts I have now doesn't change...AND, the super best thing>>>>

They do not shrink! Hot water, too high a dryer setting, nothing affects the size. Only one drawback, and this is mostly on the pants...if you get a pair with a hard crease it is a bitch to get out. I had to take mine to the dry cleaner and have them pressed to get the factory creases out. I'm talking about the sideways creases you don't want.

For those who have a WalMart near you I recommend you try the GEORGE brand of polo 100% polyester shirt. They come in yellow, orange, purple, black, red, dark-bright-light blues. I got one of every color (about 12). For $12.97 a shirt you cannot beat it.

Yes I know they are made in Jordan but whatever...

Here are a couple pictures of this man's wardrobe that brightens any room I enter.

No I do not devil-worship on Saturday night...

And the WalMart display...

The backside has the other colors displayed

So the next time you need a cheap, cool, bright polo shirt...I strongly recommend the George brand. It is it not your dad's polyester.

And you are welcome!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Warning: Do Not Attempt!

I know that sounds a bit ominous but it's really for the sake of sanity.

Tonight after a fairly busy day at work, I get a call from the wife (who is still at work) informing me that the prescription she has been waiting for will be ready in about 15 to 20 minutes. No big deal I say, I can walk the dogs and feed them...then leave for>>>>>WalMart.

Our Walmart has the drive through pharmacy (two lanes). I won't even have to get out of the car. The store is less than 10 minutes away (if I catch all the lights right). All good.

The ten million black birds circling the sky and filling every power line, transformer, and square foot of ground should have been been an omen. It felt absolutely Hitchcockian (to quote Owen Wilson). These birds dive and swoop, sit dozens at a time on parked vehicles, and are LOUD as shit!.

Anyway, I leave for the store a little after 5:30. Well, I didn't catch ANY lights and since I hate driving our standard shift Jeep it only made the trip more irritating. Stop. Start. Repeat. Shit.

I pull into the first entrance and wheel into the lane leading to the drive-thru. The usual dilema of calculation immediately presents itself...2 vehicles in one lane, one vehicle pulling up to take the place of a departing vehicle in the other lane. Pop quiz...which lane do you choose hotshot (lame Speed reference). I phone a friend...actually my wife since she got me into this. I had pulled behind the two-car lane when I called her based on this logic:

The one car in the near lane had just arrived at the window. The two-car lane should have the first car moving out next since it was their turn for service and the second would be pulling up to even the score between lanes. That car was a newer model clean looking car with only the driver in it. The first single car lane was a old beat-up mini-pick up with a Hispanic lady and two screaming kids. I could hear the attendant telling her she would have to sign some papers yada yada yada. I tell my wife all this thought process. Her answer: Stay where you are. Okay. I do.

I sit. I sit. I sit. Finally I decide to back up and move to the single car lane as there were still two cars in front of me and I didn't want some other car to take that other spot. Once I do that, there is more conversation between the lady and the attendant (on a side note, do we really need our situation broadcast at the volume necessary for anyone with in 50 feet to clearly understand what is going on?) I'm like, seriously???

Now the front car in the two-car lane finishes and moves out. Now we are back to even and do I want to look like a complete indecisive tool and move back to where I was. Doesn't look good, that lady now is reading a paperback book while she is waiting. WTF??? One poor English speaking lady discussing things with the attendant and one reading a book. I am doomed.

Still sitting behind the Hispanic lady with nothing getting resolved, I see the book reader pull the container out of the tube, take out something, and put the container back in the tube...I am already in reverse and ready to let out the clutch the minute I see reverse lights. Nothing. She looks like she is checking what she took out of the tube...and then I see her open up the book again!! Holy Christ...please shoot me.

Beat-up truck lady might as well put her vehicle on blocks...she ain't movin'. Book reading lady again goes to the tube and this time I know she is leaving...I finally see reverse lights and I punch it in reverse to move over to the lane just as she vacates. At last...

Not quite. The discussion between car one and the attendant in the other lane is still going on and I have to push the Call button 4 times before someone answers. A minute to get the name right (as my wife likes to sometime use her last name-hyphen-my last name as her high-society trick. The attendant finally gives up on what I am saying and asks for a birthday...then she says the name back to me perfectly clear. I want to punch the screen. She tells me how much it is and says she is sending a paper I need to sign for insurance purposes. Fine.

The tube comes (truck lady is STILL in lane one) I pull out the paper and sign it and send it back. Apparently I have contracted the stupidity of this dance and a minute later the attendant tells me I forgot to send the money...LOUD ENOUGH SO THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT CAN HEAR!!! Now that half the people at WalMart know I'm a moron, I sit there with people looking at me while the tube is s l o w l y sending the container back for the money. I throw in the cash and send it back. Seconds later my prize is in hand and when I open the container all the change goes flying all over the inside of the Jeep. <insert favortite f-word here>

Fuck it. I zip up the jeep window (one reason I hate it) and drive out into a flock of birds picking at bits of shit on the ground. They scatter and I feel momentarily happy.

The beat-up truck in lane one may still be sitting there...

**Weird occurrance on this trip: someone left two hotel room key cards sitting on top of the tube assembly in the drive-thru. Could this be a new trolling method??

I took them both. Bastards!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Oh God...Walmart Is Just Too Easy!

Image via WikipediaIt is ironic (and a little stupid on my part) that even after reading the Badass Geek's post about the horror of a "quick shopping trip" and reading Dick's Flashback Friday Post along a similar vein, my wife and I decided to get the grocery shopping out of the way before the weekend. We hit the local Super Walmart at 8:30PM yesterday (Friday night).

Let me set the scene:

* My wife HATES grocery shopping, especially at the super Walmart
* My wife hates loud squeaky shopping carts,  especially when deaf people push them all around the store
* My wife hates waiting in the checkout line, but she is an expert at unloading the cart correctly on the conveyor
* My wife has a burning desire to run slow-walking, fat bastards over with a loaded shopping cart.
* Both my wife and I hate people who are not aware of their surroundings
* I wished to God last night for a pair of glasses with photographic capability...Please Lord!

 Soooo we arrive at the store. List made. Just a few things. In and out like shopping ninjas. Hmmmm the parking lot seems to be a-bustle with activity. We park and make our move to the entrance. All the while reviewing the game plan..."no detours", "nothing not on the list", "no aisles we need nothing from". We break the huddle and hit the cart rack.

Problems already. Two enemy squads (families) block our quick attempt to grab a cart and get rolling. Oh yeah, my wife HATES waiting for anything when we are in a hurry. The families move out and we get our cart. Enter, turn left and hit the fruit and veggie section for the 4 or 5 things we need there.

As we head down the veggie section it is clearly apparent that this is NOT the time of day the beautiful people shop Walmart. In fact I dare say that many a trailer and nearly-condemned apartment is vacant right now as their occupants are DIRECTLY in front of us. Some people think that just because it is dark outside others can't see what they are wearing once inside the store...WRONG!

Why all the super-duper sized women believe in their heart they can still wear clothes I suspect they couldn't wear in high school amazes me. And after having 5 or 6 kids ranging in age from 1 to 6, they really can't do it! Painted on pants and shirts that do not even come down to the top of their pants is not a good look anywhere but especially not in a grocery store. The only rolls I want to see are in the bakery department.

We proceed through the rest of the fruit and veggie area and then the first one is heard...eee eee eee eee the sound of the one squeaky wheel cart. My wife stops dead in her tracks and looks at me with laser eyes and pursed lips and says, "you've got to be kidding me". The direction of the sound and its target area are undeterminable.

We head down the first aisle hearing that sound getting closer and we can not figure out which direction we need to go to be moving away from it. Then we get to the end of the aisle and turn left and there is the lady pushing the squeaky cart! I tell my wife just ignore her she is moving away from our flight path. No can do...my wife has to stop, put her fingers in her ears and stare at this lady while she says (just short of loud enough to be heard by the lady) "you seriously cannot hear that?" I just kept walking to the next aisle. We are having fun now!

The rest of the food side of the store was a blur of large people with large families believing they were the only ones in the store and oblivious to the fact our cart was about up their ass. It was every bit the gauntlet of a boot camp punishment exercise.

Then we reached the far end of the food section, the dairy and frozen foods. Once we turned the corner, the symphony of squeaky wheel carts suddenly begins. There are carts in front, behind, an aisle over all squeaking in different pitches. My wife keeps moving even when I stop for soymilk and butter (silently laughing to myself for knowing she was about to go ballistic). This truly was torture worthy of Gitmo!

We then headed back towards the front of the store stopping at the ends of the aisles for the sundry items  (no chance in hell of navigating down them with a cart) and grab the few items we needed there. Once again the original squeaky wheel cart lady is back. Curiously she does not look like she has put anything in the cart in the 20 minutes since we first saw her. I asked myself what the hell an older black lady in hospital scrubs would be doing at Walmart just pushing around an almost empty squeaky wheel cart on a Friday night??

The food part was done and now we need to cross the hazardous clothing and houewares minefield to get a shower curtain and some dog care items. We split up to finish this nightmare as quick as possible. I went to grab mouthwash and my wife headed to the pet section. I then made a fateful left turn and entered the danger zone directly behind the check out lines. What I saw, and clearly had failed to calculate, is how long the lines get when you are shopping for 6-8 people per tribe...and they are all in line with you!

I zigged and zagged through the human mass shrugging off wayward ankle-biters as I moved like a pro running back to the aisle where my wife was. It was during this time I realized another huge flaw in choosing this night to shop...it was NoTax Back To School weekend in Texas! Everybody and their kid were at this store!

I ran in to a solid immovable wall of humanity clogging every square inch of the school supplies aisles! WTF! Now I knew trouble was brewing...once I got my wife and we had to head back through that mob (with a cart this time) her barely contained irritation could boil over. I find her and warn her. It took over ten minutes to navigate over to the checkout line (of which they only had half the the lanes open). The whole while, the front of our cart was millimeters away from a lady's ass that looked like two pigs fighting under a blanket. If she had stopped short I know the front of the cart would have crumpled. She was moving at glacial speed with her 4 kids clammering about. This thought amused me.

Now we have to stand in line...behind the first lady who had the squeaky wheel cart!! She had managed to fill it to the brim since we last saw her AND now she had a stroller with a baby in it she had not had before? My wife was not amused and did not see the irony. And then to top it all off this was next to us (this is when I prayed for the glasses camera):

This is a bad picture but it is an elderly lady dressed, I presume, like a high school mascot! My wife grabbed my phone out of my hand and said, "I have to get a picture of this".

This was a long tour of duty.

The rest of the night went rather smoothly.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Walmart

Well it's kind of funny how life is all intertwined...even in the blogosphere. Walmart may not be a sign of the Apocalypse in the traditional sense (is there such a thing?) but it is so damn easy to pluck something out of the gigantor experience that is Walmart. I mean if it is there you have to use it...right?

First I must say that I just read follow blogger BadAss Geek's post on Walmart and agree totally with the personal-space-in-line problem. It must be karma that I also have chosen two Walmart tales of Apocalyptic value to share today. After reading this get on over to BAG's site...it is really a great read. One look at the BAG and you're hooked!

Here are my two tales of Walmart woe:

Chapter one: The Heavy's Have It

I have come to notice that the vast majority of people who shop at the Walmart I use (a fairly new, huge Super Center) are African-American, Hispanic, or Oriental. Nothing against any of them except for the fact that other than the Oriental's, the rest of the customer base (including the white clientele) are mostly heavy-set. Very heavy set.

There are not enough of the little scooters you ride around on so there are always big people sitting on the benches waiting for one to be turned in. The scooters are always roaming the store (usually in every aisle I go down) and it is a giant bumper car game going on here! There is never enough seat for the ass that is sitting on it! Don't these people who make the scooters know that the disability they are serving is obesity?? These people just don't want to walk.

{On a side note, the Furrs cafateria they built when the Walmart was being built has the fattest per table clientele in the city.}

Now Walmart has a sense of humor, because while the grocery aisles are wide enough to accommodate: the scooter gang, the family with 6 kids, the squeaky wheel cart lady who can't hear it (WTF), and me if I move like an NFL running back...the aisles on the textile side of the store are a whole nother ordeal.

You know what I mean...the TP, cleaning product, laundry stuff aisles. Here's the math: the aisles are 6-feet wide, two women each 3-feet wide...talk about damming up the works! They move down the aisle like a glacier, you can't get by and if you say, "excuse me" there is still no place for them to go. And if somebody comes in behind you...you're trapped!

I experienced all this on Sunday. Rule 1 from now on is: get my ass to the store earlier than these people get up.

Chapter two: My Checkout Line Odyssey

This happened a few month back and way before I started this blog but reading the BAG's checkout claustrophobia story brought it all back...even after weeks of repression therapy.

This was a Sunday I went to the Walmart while my wife stayed home. I got done in good time hit the line with only one person in front of me and they did not have much stuff. All in all this day was starting well.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that some one was entering the line behind me. I couldn't start unloading my cart yet (cause Walmart does NOT believe in spending money on those friggin dividers to separate my shit from your crap) and the whole process in front of me was bogging down for some reason.

I looked behind me and sure enough it was the All-American (well Hispanic) family of seven. 5 kids ranging from new born (the point of the story) up to like, 5 years old. The mobile baby factory was right behind me. Now it got interesting.

I noticed as I moved forward to start unloading that I had plenty of personal and other space between me and the family. As I am unloading the cart I again notice out of the corner of my eye that the father is keeping the kids behind him and the mother (with the newborn) in between me and the father in all that empty space. I was interested. I was sure this was not going to be a robbery.

Then as I reach back for the next items to put on the conveyor, I have to do a double take and then, yes, a stare. This mother is kneeling on the floor in my aisle BREAST FEEDING her baby. Not in some polite mostly covered kind of way but in some third world I-don't-give-a-shit-if you-look kind of way. She was a nice looking lady and had nice boobs,but come on...in MY aisle!

The baby is going to town on the left tittie and I thought WTF is this about! She was down there until I completely finished checking out and started to walk away...a good five minutes.

I am sure the Walmart cameras have incriminating footage of me standing like a dork staring at this action. So before it came out on the internet, I had to go home and tell my wife.

Wow! I need to go take a shower again...I thought I was past this!