Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Dreaded Vacation Prep

Exactly 2 weeks from now I leave the cozy confines of Dallas, TX and wing my way northward to the (hopefully) snowy shores of the Ohio coast of Lake Erie for Christmas Vacation. Oh yeah, my wife is going too!

I capitalize Christmas Vacation because with two weeks to go, my wife and I do this sadistic ritual of vacation preparation that has the potential to become a Chevy Chase-caliber movie. She and I are the lead roles, the two dogs are the supporting cast. Hilarity and slapstick along with possible injury are bound to ensue.

Last night we completed the task of ordering the family gifts. We generally decide on one type of gift and order different styles for each member of the family. Keeps us from over thinking and over spending.

We ordered online, huddled around the computer like elfin-geeks of sorts, and the two dogs tried everything (including untimely flatulence) to distract us. My wife kept sniffing and asking if it was me. After a tortured hour of "I like this" and "honey,that's ugly" and "whatever, get the one you like"...the order was complete. As usual we shipped it directly to my mothers house in Ohio so all we have to do is wrap when we get there. Pure genius!

Now today we are at defcon level 5 minus 14 days. Tonight we prepare the List for the dog sitters. Our canine versions of Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are overly spoiled and pampered. And...I've been in a panic for four days since we found out our stand-by dog sitter (with her new 4-yr old Boston male) was not going to be able to handle our 5-yr old male AND a 6-month old female. My wife took them to the sitters house on Sunday for a test and that lasted approximately 10 minutes.

Now what! No budget for boarding and I loathe doing that for lots of reasons. No plan B...we were flying without a net on this one. Holy shit we're screwed! Skipping the juicy parts, that all got resolved today and a huge weight is off my shoulders...but there is still 2 weeks to go. That sound you heard was me holding my breath.

Anyway, tonight we have to prepare the instructions for the care, feeding, pooping, sleeping, etc. of our two whack-jobs for an entire week. In a strange house with strange people.

Here is a brief sample of our canine comedy shop: dinner time involves a measured portion of organic dry food for each. Then a measured portion of holistic canned food (this shit is so tasty good smelling that after the apocalypse I'm heading for Pet Smart not Tom Thumb). The canned food is rather chunky so we finely chop it with a spoon. Then a little warm water stirred in and mixed to a nicely blended consistency and served. (Hungry yet?) All the while the dogs are sitting there watching like, "is it soup yet...how about now...is it soup yet?"


The two loonies eat on opposite sides of the kitchen. When they are both done (I've got this down to where they finish almost simultaneously)...THEN they go to each others empty bowl and spend 5 minutes licking.clean.stainless.steel.
 
I am sure we will argue over what the sitters will and won't be willing to do for us and the fact they are doing it for free we can't expect it to be like home...yada, yada, yada. The List will start out War And Peace-like and end up on a Post-It note. She will finish it and I will be watching Criminal Minds. Then we'll review it.

This should be the hardest day of the prep.

Next time, tune in for the fun home game of Pack It Or Leave it! that will take a few days to sort out.

If you are going home for the Holidays, travel safe. And if you are flying, wear lead underwear (that'll teach 'em).

Merry/Happy whatever holiday you celebrate.