Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Charmin Bears

Well I gotta tell ya, this is sort of a last minute subject for the blog. It might never have come about except for that perfect timing of dinner-time TV, the Olympics, and actually watching commercials.


The commercial that came on for Charmin shows a Momma bear showing a Baby bear how to look through a telescope...yes, apparently bears know about things like telescopes. The Baby bear is looking through the telescope and sees...no, not the moons of Uranus, but Daddy bear's ass with white paper moons! ) Sounds sorta like a Lucky Charms ad.)

This to me became immediately hilarious. I do not know why as I have seen these commercials for a hundred years. Yet this one led me to think all sorts of weird and unecessary thoughts.

Such As...

*where do these bears buy telescopes...I thought it a logical question, shut up!
*where do these bears buy Charmin...Sam's, Costco, Big Lots??? They have a lot of need!
*where do bears shit in the woods...this commercial makes it look like they climb a tree and shit over a branch!
*where do you find these red-furred bears...in the redwood forest??
*why are there never any piles of bear shit when clearly they have just taken a shit...WOW! This is now officially way too deep.




Okay, the commercial was over long ago, but you get the idea. The biggest question is why did some high-dollar advertising agency think they had a winner on their hands with this line of commercials?

What could have been the runner up commercials?

Seriously, did an ad executive lean back in his chair and have some random-thought dream where the old line, "Does a bear shit in the woods"? popped into his head and he shouts , "Eureka! I've got it!"?

There is no good way to visually sell toilet paper. At the risk of exposing way more about myself than anyone deserves to know, I use Cottonelle. I don't know if I honestly can say I remember a single Cottonelle commercial on TV. I am sure they have had some, but not in recent memory.

I use Cottonelle not because I won't use Charmin. I use Cottonelle for a much closer to home reason...it is the preferred TP of choice by my wife. And I am not buying his and hers toilet paper. As with most guys on this subject, I remain fairly neutral. As long as it is strong enough to keep me from poking my finger through it while wiping (and therefore poking my own shitty ass), I am good with it.

So I guess the real sign of the Apocalypse (if I had to encapsulate it) comes down to asking the objectively-absurd-for-a-higher-intelligence question..."should I buy this toilet paper because it doesn't stick to red bear fur when they shit in the woods".





If the answer is yes...get some help for just pondering that thought, you dumbass! I would assume you will stick with whatever works for you. The only reason Charmin even needs to keep advertising...what a minute...why do they need to keep advertising?

I am now completely out of bear-shit and toilet paper thoughts...thank God!
----------------------------
ALERT! ALERT!

STM Update

9028 Followers (me = ZERO)

3,486,996 Unique Vistors (me=maybe 2)
----------------------------

Til next Time...keep your powder dry...and watch out for bears in the toilet paper aisle!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Fight Church

dotCommonweal » Blog Archive » The First Rule of Fight Church Is…

Church holds MMA fight nights - WSFA 12 News Montgomery, AL

Okay, I have now seen everything (at least on a religious note, at least for this month)...Fight Church!

First rule of Fight Church...spread the word about Fight Church? I dunno, I guess that's it.

What is Fight Church? Obvs, it's Jesus on MMA. It's the Rumble in The Vestibule. It's the Pounding on the Pulpit. It's the Choke-Out in The Confessional. "Let me kick the shit outta you and then we'll pray. "

And you thought the Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts Of Life) song was sacreligious.

Once you check out the two links above you will know all you need to about this sign of the Apocalypse. The way to see God is to get your brains beat out in a cage match. Tell your family and friends.

I saw this on the news in action and let me tell you...it is some furious shit. It is real MMA fighting for the Lord. With a preacher egging them on with chants of, " hit 'em in the head!"

They claim they are leading the youth to a better life than thuggery...WTF!!! "Come take your aggression out in church in the name of Jesus rather than purse-snatching, burglary, and car-jacking." Wow

I am now convinced you can take any activity and convert it either to a full-on religion or to something with a religious tone. This would either be for the tax breaks or to "smooth" the rough edges of what ever the activity might be.

Now you knew this was coming so let's get to it...

Tell me YOUR fantasy activity coupled with religion. Be creative.

Mine is...Porn Preachers!

"Crying out for Jesus while reaching for heaven...Safe Sex in the Sanctuary. Keep your kids off the streets and experimenting on their own. Join us for worship on your way to the pearl(y) necklace. Ride like Jesus on the back of an ass."

Non-denominational, gay, lesbian, straight...all welcome at our Church.

Refreshments served after each service.

There is my blasphemy for the day...

ALERT! ALERT!

STM Update

8919 Followers



3,357,381 Unique Vistors

Jesus, this fucker's a church unto himself!

Via con dios

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Many Faces of The Apocalypse

Okay, this ride is going to be faster than a downhill ski event at the Olympics.

It is all about a Google search for the Apocalypse. I did this search trying to see if this page was anywhere on the millions of results but little did I know that I would find this mixed bag of results.

You can peruse the sites at your leisure but allow me to add a touch of commentary. In the interest of full disclosure (which I don't often do) I have not visited all these sites. But the titles alone gave me literary license.

Here we go:

The Apocalypse Suicide Page - HealthyPlace
Jan 12, 2010 ... Help for people who are planning suicide and those trying to help a suicidal person to live. If you're planning your own death, ...

This site just simply cracked me up. I guess help for people planning suicide could cut both ways (help to or help them not to). This result made me immediately think of the great movie Heathers. "Teenage Suicide, Don't Do It" by Big Fun.

I have always thought that where the description of sites was cutoff on a search result was so important. This one sounds like it is about to give you a checklist of what to do to prepare for a suicide. How they got the Apocalypse Suicide out of this I will never know.




Apocalypse Forthcoming: The Breaking Up of Brangelina - Brad PItt ...
Jan 24, 2010 ... OH GOOD GOD THIS CAN'T. WAIT. UNTIL. TOMORROW. HUG LOVED ONES. DON'T STAND NEAR ANY WINDOWS. SHELTER YOUR THIRD-WORLD CHILDREN.gawker.com/.../apocalypse-forthcoming-the-breaking-up-of-brangelina -

Could there possibly be a better sign of the Apocalypse than this. Do we care that much about Brangelina?



Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The ...
Studies have shown that these games, are quite effective ar teaching our kids skills that they'll need after the apocalypse. Like finding shotgun ammo, ...www.theonion.com/content/video/are_violent_video_games - Cached - Similar -


Violent video games teaching our kids how to survive the apocalypse? How about teaching them to use what they find to survive? How to purify water, what plants you can eat, how to cook a rabbit...shit like that.


Vlogging The Apocalypse
Vlogging The Apocalypse is a alternative online social networking site that also provides a free video and photo hosting service allowing users to view, ...vloggingtheapocalypse.com/ - Cached -

Just one question...who the hell is going to be around to take the video and what are they going to broadcast it on??? The chimps from 2001 Space Odyssey?


Making Light: Tips for an apocalypse
Guy, you sound just like a New Yorker: "You call this an apocalypse? This is nothing. Let me tell you about the one a couple weeks ago ..." ...nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/006539.html - Cached - Similar -

You just knew that a New Yorker would say some shit like that. " Hey, that all you got?" The tips sound interesting but I have not checked them out yet. Help yourself.


The 7 Hamburgers of the Apocalypse
Jul 21, 2008 ... Hamburgers, next to apple pie and statins they're the ambassadors of American cuisine--for better or for worse--and these harbingers of ...www.diet-blog.com/.../the_7_hamburgers_of_the_apocalypse.php - Cached - Similar -

I feel this site has some weird Popeye episode reference and that in itself is a sign of the Apocalypse. Wimpy must be counting down the days until he doesn't have to pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. This site name makes me laugh.


LiveMetallica.com Download Metallica July 21, 2009, Free MP3 ...
Jul 21, 2009 ... Download Metallica July 21, 2009, Free MP3 Download: My Apocalypse Intro, Copenhagen, DEN MP3 FLAC.www.livemetallica.com/.../Metallica-mp3-flac-download-7-21-2009-Free-MP3-Download--My-Apocalypse-Intro-Copenhagen-DEN.html - Cached -

Okay, I threw in the Metallica site here just to get a dose of reality. I am def going to check this one out.


What to wear to the Apocalypse - SFGate
This much we know for sure: The End Times are going to look extremely cool. Have you noticed? Have you seen the previews, the TV shows, the films, ...articles.sfgate.com/2010.../17827919_1_app-store-apocalypse-leather - Cached -

WTF??? Don't you just go naked having sex? How else do you face an Apocalypse? DKNY, get ready for a rush of that little black Apocalypse dress.


YouTube - Apocalypse Now - The Ride Of The Valkyries
One of the best scenes from cinema. The helicopter attack in the beach against the vietcongs while The Ride Of The Valkyries is played.I never said this, ...www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek - Cached - Similar -


Here ya go, enjoy:




The Zombie Apocalypse Will Not Be Televised -- It Will Be Tweeted ...
Jan 11, 2010 ... If you're anything like us, you've gone over your first moves during the initial days of a zombie outbreak in your head: scavenging for ...

Shit, and I had my Zombie makeup ready and everything! Tweeting seems a little gay for a Zombie Apocalypse.



Apocalypse Cow Recording Studio Chicago Area - Apocalypse Cow ...
Apocalyspe Cow Productions Recording studio Chicago area. Because not all music is the same, a recording studio that's different.www.callthecow.com/ - Cached - Similar -

Another site that just cracked me for the shear name of it! No not all music is the same...what would be the point?



GoatRiders of the Apocalypse
Goatriders of the Apocalypse · GROTA · Reader Blogs · Series Previews · Game Recaps · Photoshops · CBA. Syndicate. Syndicate content. User login ...www.goatriders.org/ - Cached - Similar -

This could be my most favorite site name ever! Even the GROTA is a cool name. I will not log on to this site and let its reality spoil my vision...I just won't.



Apocalypse Paintball
Field near Madison complete with trenches, towers, forts, a full size corral, village, and a lighted hyperball field. Spectator area surrounded by netting ...www.apocalypsepaintball.com/ - Cached - Similar -

This sounds like a good time. Maybe combining it with a couple other sites above like the GROTA (you knew I would use THAT one soon) and the Metallica, maybe. No matter, I like the name and the image it conjures up.



Act now to avoid the Apple tablet apocalypse Windows - InfoWorld
Jan 26, 2010 ... We saw the damage the iPhone caused as the ill-fitting consumer technology invaded the corporate space. This time, IT needs to strike first.

This video says it all about the iPad...




The 6 Best 2012 Apocalypse Theories (Are All Bullshit) Cracked.com
He couldn't even decide what the end of his timeline signified, claiming everything from the apocalypse to alien invasion to time travel. ...www.cracked.com › Science - Cached -


Finally, this little gem that allows you to pick a multiple choice answer as to how you think the Apocalypse and 2012 will turn out. From a personal survival standpoint, I'm partial to the time travel scenario.

As long as I'm not on the ride with the Sleep Talking man...

May the force be with you...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Diet Coke and Heart Health

Well this was a shocking advertisment on last nights Olympic games...Diet Coke has just joined the fight against heart disease with The Heart Truth! They are giving 28 days of tips for heart health. I clicked on a few of the days (admittedly this thing started on Feb 1st so I am late to the party) and found most of the activities recommended will also -surprise!- make you thirsty, and probably reach for a Diet Coke! Anyways, check out the site and see what you think.

Seriously, they are doing this.

Here is excerpt from their website:

ATLANTA, Feb. 4, 2010 -- To bring heart health into the spotlight during February, American Heart Month, Diet Coke will distribute special limited-edition packaging in support of The Heart Truth campaign. The limited-edition packaging will graphically depict one person's journey from heart health awareness to empowerment to advocacy. The Heart Truth's Red Dress logo will also appear on more than 6 billion packages of Diet Coke throughout the year.

{DO you think the "advocacy" part will in any way involve NOT drinking Diet Coke?} I doubt it. But they probably will stop short of saying Diet Coke changed their life for the better...that would be just too much non-truth in advertising.

I could not help but chuckle at the irony of it all. It's smacks of Phillip Morris fighting lung cancer. You know they make cigarettes, right?

Oh these righteous fuckers...

When a product that helps cause the problem commits to fighting that problem, and we believe and support their efforts (while still drinking Coke and smoking I presume), can that be anything but a sign of the Apocalypse? I ask you, can it?

I am a recovering Coke and Diet Coke drinker. I gave up Coke back in the 80's because it always seemed so heavy in the gut after downing an icy cold one in about a minute during the hot Texas summers. And the aftertaste started to suck (probably the HFCS). I switched to Diet Coke thinking I was doing a better thing for my body (less calories) and there was almost no aftertaste. Smart guy was I, eh?

Well I drank the shit out of DC for years. I also found out it went really well with Crown Royal. Don't give me any crap about ruining fine liquor with mix...it made the expensive shit last longer. I then got even smarter(?) and starting mixing it with the very sophisticated Caffeine-Free Diet Coke.

Then I pretty much stopped drinking all of it all together. Now if I have 2 sodas a month it's a heavy month. Water is the answer, folks. After all, your body needs it and could care less about the soda. Enough of my personal life.

What gets me is the amount of information out there decrying the obesity, ADHD, Alzheimers, and a host of other diseases...not the LEAST of which is cardovascular disease being exacerbated, if not caused, by the soda industry.

We should all know by now that most of the shit you eat will fuck you up. There, it's out there and in your face.

Why?

Here's how the Coca-Cola company has fared in the "recession":

News Release
THE COCA-COLA COMPANY 2009 FOURTH QUARTER AND FULL YEAR RESULTS

Today, our Company reports continued worldwide unit case volume growth in 2009, which drove share gains in sparkling, still and total nonalcoholic ready-to-drink beverages for the year, and full year profit growth in line with our long-term target.

Strong worldwide unit case volume growth of 5 percent in the quarter and 3 percent for the full year, in line with our long-term volume target, and driven by international volume growth of 6 percent in the quarter and 4 percent for the full year.

Fourth quarter reported EPS was $0.66, up 53 percent, with comparable EPS up 3 percent to $0.66. Full year reported EPS was $2.93, up 18 percent, while comparable EPS was down 3 percent to $3.06 reflecting a negative currency impact.

Reported operating income increased 4 percent in the quarter, and decreased 3 percent for the full year. Comparable currency neutral operating income was even for the quarter, and grew 7 percent for the full year, in line with our long-term target.

Strong cash flow generation continued, with full year cash from operations up 8 percent to $8.2 billion.

Global nonalcoholic ready-to-drink beverage volume and value share gains continued for the tenth consecutive quarter.

Not too shabby...

Now here are some sites to entertain and educate you in the basic issues with Diet Coke and most soft drinks in general:

The Cardiovascular Disease aspect, and I quote:

"Drinking one or more carbonated beverages per day may increase your risk of developing cardiovascular disease", according to a new study published in
circulation, the Journal of the American Heart Association.
People who consumed one or more sodas daily were 48% more likely to have metabolic syndrome than those who consumed less. Metabolic syndrome is the
name given to a series of linked symptoms that are correlated with a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.

The Aspartame angle

The Phosphate point, and I quote:

William Duffy

The doctor speaking in these dialogs is, Dr. McCay, the nutritionist at theNaval Medical Research Institute.

"I was amazed to learn," he testified, "that the beverage contained substantial amounts of phosphoric acid. . . . At the Naval Medical Research Institute, we put human teeth in a cola beverage and found they softened and started to dissolve within a short period. The acidity of cola beverages ...is about the same as vinegar. The sugar content masks the acidity, and children little realize they are drinking this strange mixture of phosphoric acid, sugar, caffeine, coloring, and flavoring matter."

I had to include this site on the issue of acidity just because it has a cool classroom video of what is left when acid dissolves the aluminum can.

And last but not least the highly controversial topic of of high fructose corn syrup (the deadly HFCS debate). This site is from the Corn Refiners. Guess which point of view they take? And here is the Wikipedia site denoting the controversy.

Here is HOW you can avoid HFCS if you are so inclined or your religion has an issue with corn (check it out).

And finally, WHY you should avoid HFCS, go Here.

Here's the bottom line...heart health and Diet Coke DO NOT go together. I don't care what arguments you make or believe. There is no good rationale for this promotion to even be taking place. How can the masses possibly fall for this?

Ya know the sad fact...Coke will sell more Diet Coke because of this. This is the true sign of the Apocalypse.

Fuck it...I'm going to have my monthly Dr. Pepper.

ALERT! ALERT!

STM Update

8641 Followers

3,076,613 Unique Vistors

Fudge Monkeys! Unbelievable

Today's Apocalypse Sign: 9-11-2001 Redux

Today's post is short and to the point>>>September 11th, 2001


All the credit given to the NYPD helicopter for getting in and taking this and other intense photos in the following link:

Remember Why We Are Fighting! This material was just release under the Freedom of Information Act.

The short story and clear, stunning pictures are all that needs to be said.

The Haters and the bastards who give them shelter and support...we're comin' for YOU! Keep tellin' yourselves we will eventually give up...not a chance.

Never Forgotten...Never Forgiven

Reverently...

~Chuck

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Super Bowl Ad's and Undercover Boss

Yep, today's a two fer. Neither one is big enough to stand on its own so there ya go.
First we start with the Super Bowl. Here are the clips of the Doritos ads which this year were the best of what I consider a mediocre SB Ad season.

The reason I am even mentioning the Super Bowl ads is kinda weird but it could very well be a true sign of the Apocalypse. Come on..$3 million for 30 seconds!
First a bit o' background...
My wife has grown into a commercial hater. Our Dish TV DVR has done this. I don't mean she is just annoyed with commercials...she hates them. Even the funny ones throughout the year I have to pause so I can track her down to watch them...and then she usually doesn't find them as funny as I do. (In some things we have wildly different senses of humor).
To wit: the commercial that came out last year with the baby in the highchair hawking E-Trade. I was falling out of my chair laughing...she left the room and refused to ever watch one because it creeped her out. I have loved every one of them and still laugh heartily at the golf one every time it is on. Shankapotamus is just the funniest golf term ever, and I have used it on the course several times.
Anyway, this past year has gotten even worse with the commercial hating. NOW...for the shows we have set up to record each week: 24, Lost, CSI's -Miami, New york, and Original, etc. We have to wait until the show has been recording for 15 minutes (ya know these puppies are only 45-minutes long) and THEN we can sit down to watch...and fast forward through all the commercials. So now our pre-watching conversation goes like this:
Me: "Honey, are we watching all three of our shows tonight?"
Honey: "Let's just watch the first two, NCIS and Lost."
Me: "Okay, then we need to wait until 7:30 to start so we can skip all the commercials."
Honey: "Okay, good"
Seriously, this conversation alone qualifies as a sign of the Apocalypse but it IS our matter-of-fact after work conversation. Not," how was your day" or any other really trivial stuff, but hardcore TV watching mathematics. Sheesh!
So the point of all this is...I watch the Super Bowl and she does not...BUT, she asks me to record the game sooooooooo....SHE CAN FAST FORWARD THROUGH THE GAME AND WATCH THE COMMERCIALS!!! Last year I accidentally deleted the game before she had watched the commercials and she was PISSED!! WTF.
Next...
Post-Super Bowl this year debuted a new reality TV show---Undercover Boss!
Watch this 8:11 trailer...


I watched this show after the game and I must change my original estimation of its worth.
I was wrong (this is the reason this ranks as a sign of the Apocalypse). I think this show is great. Some very good things came out the boss being down with the rank-and-file. Next week is going to be even better...Hooters.
The CEO of Hooters is going down in the "trenches" to find out what goes on in his stores. I'll tell ya now...he does NOT like everything he sees...no, not the girls, the way some are treated by management.
I am officially recanting my opinion for now of this show. Give it a watch Sunday night.
ALERT! ALERT!
STM UPDATE!
8532 Followers
2,925,244 Unique visitors
I know this was kind of a lame post but hey, ya got two videos out of it so there!
Happy Trails...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Sarah Palin 2012???

Starring in Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" - Okay

Goin' clubbin' on Saturday night with friends - Okay

Being the next president of the United States...senseless.

If Sarah Palin is elected President, it will not be a sign of the Apocalypse...it WILL be the Apocalypse.

I am trying hard to wrap my brain around why in the world the Republican party would piss away a slam-dunk 2012 election to one-up the stupidity of the Democrats? We are in the midst of a presidency that while historical in nature also shows why you need to be around the block a few times before sleeping in the Big House.

For all Obama's smarts, smooth rhetoric, and grandiose plans that was the Pied Piper for the masses a year ago...the truth is, "shit's still way broke y'all". And it's not getting better anytime soon. This is what you would expect from a first-term Senator being elected President in this day and age.

Full disclosure: I am and vote Republican.

Now, and I really can't believe this, the Republicans are seriously thinking about running a woman who has problems knowing who fought in what wars and has to have crib notes written on her hand when doing an interview. Oh, and she is a ZERO term Senator, Congresswoman, or anything else that counts.

Are we forgetting that she is actually the one who cost McCain the election?? I will always believe that (and I think the party does too) no matter what anyone says. I also think the Republicans had a very good plan. What was that you ask? Weeeelllllllllll....here it is:

The country had grown tired of the war and by definition, Bush as well. The economy was tanking because of the dumbasses that thought getting poor people into homes they could not afford and then taking said homes from them a couple years later, was a good business plan (greedy fuckers). The Republicans knew they had very little chance to retain the Presidency no matter who they ran. They were buried under a mountain of shit so deep there was no way out.

But I don't think they ever intended to win the race in '08. The Dems had some strong candidates with a siren's song for a platform. And since they hadn't done anything recently to fuck things up, they could point all there blamin' fingers right square at the Republicans. The Reps had no defense for that. McCain was the fall guy for that race and just to make sure that all the signs of the Apocalypse were in line...who do they pluck out the real frozen tundra?... Sarah Palin!

WTF!!! I want a show of hands of every person in the entire country when she was announced as the VP candidate that said....."Who?" Or maybe more gramatically correct, "Who the fuck is that?"

She immediately became a windfall for Tina Fey...these two women were separated at birth! You knew there was going to be an SNL thing and every channel, newspaper, magazine, etc. was going to run with it. Guess what? Breaking into show biz by becoming a Vice Presidential candidate also does not qualify you for the Oval office. Still no real creds.

So to continue with the Plan...Obama wins...McCain and Palin lose and a new chapter is written in our history.

Well the Reps knew and I think we all did, but after reading Law 27 of the 48 Laws of Power it was real clear what the Democrats were up to. If they let the Dems play out their little carnival snake oil show for 4 years (turned out to be less) then the country would really be ready for a change as they grew weary of the smoke and mirrors and gradually lost faith in the smooth rhetoric.

The Reps have to be absolutely giddy that Scott Brown won the Senate seat from a carved-in-stone Democratic state like Massachusetts. They ruined the super majority in the Senate...the first crack in the Administration's master plan. Now the wacked out Health Care "reform" was in danger.

Then the State Of The Union speech. When in the opening of the address, Obama used a reference of the Union being turned back at Bull Run...I knew we were about to have some bull run on us!

Of course the difference between this speech and the last one Bush gave was who stood and applauded. The Reps took the night off and I swear I saw a couple of them playing Sudoku!

Now the Republicans plan is to win back as many seats as possible in the mid-term elections, and they have a real chance with the right candidates. And then in two years take back the White House. Good, solid, workable plan. With much more than just a hopeful chance of success.

Unless...they go completely brain-dead and try and run Sarah Palin that is. She is hot. But I would NOT vote for her to lead a funeral procession! I mean it. Her hand on my ass, okay...on the nuclear football, oh holy shit!

If you think all this makes sense then by all means vote for ...ME, if not stay home! This does not apply to Democratic voters...we want you to throw your vote away. Hit the polls twice...for two different candidates...we don't care.

Or maybe Palin is trying to get in so her husband can run the county from behind the scenes (worked in Alaska, so I'm told). Nah..she'd have to marry a trophy husband...NOW that's a reality show of truly Apocalyptical proportions!

Good Night and God Bless America!

ALERT! ALERT!

STM UPDATE

8444 followers

2,819,936 unique vistors

And they are on vacation for crying out loud!