Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Curse Of The iPhone...It's The Apple

This really is one of Zeppelin's best tunes and fits this post...enjoy



It has been a long time since I posted an original opinionated rant...but I am afraid I must. Some of this will be humorous, some will be serious. Some of this will cause you to take a better look at yourself, and sadly, it will make you want to take a picture of yourself.

I am referring to the ubiquitous, heroin-like addicting iPhone.

I first and foremost hate the pretentious lower-case "i" merging into the upper-case"P" as if this is a word and will soon appear in Websters. You and I both know this is coming and it will be a dark day when that happens. How snobby that a little i precedes a big P.

Secondly, I hate Apple in general. I'm a PC guy. The primary reason is the thinly veiled Biblical reference of their icon:

The apple with one bite taken, come on...this is symbolic of the fateful bite Eve took in the Garden Of Eden when the serpant (vaguely resembling Steve Jobs) handed her the apple. Who knew that the end game of this terrible breach of God's forbiddence would be Apple computers (with their sappy Macintosh, or Mac for short, name) and eventually...the iPhone.

There are even rainbow Apple logos for gay and lesbian pride:

And above, my personnel favorite, The Apocalyptical Apple.

The iPhone is now in its 4th incarnation and has gone 4g. I see this never stopping. Why? Because this insidious electronic gadget has the power to separate you from true human interaction without ever feeling the effects of de-socializing. And for those wanting to escape the assholes of the world, what better way to do it. Ironically, once infected with iPhoneitis, being deprived of its use may one day (if it hasn't already) lead to suicide. In fact I challenge doctors who do this kind of shit for giggles, to set a person, who has relied on their iPhone for most of there daily life for the last 3 years, in a padded room (necessary I assure you) with only their iPhone...and a dead battery! Study how long it takes them to break the phone into sharp pieces they can use to slit their wrists. Ha, now THAT would be study worth undertaking!

Sorry...calm shallow breathing...in...out...in...out. Okay, why now does this wind me up so, you might ask. Go ahead, ask me!

Welll, here we go.........
My wife was having "problems" with her phone (unbeknownst to me). It was one of those where the top of the phone slides up and down. She claimed it was just arbitrarily turning off for no reason. She needed to upgrade her phone. Of course I knew none of this until I happened to be looking at our bank activity online and found a charge to ATT. Now I knew I paid all the bills but the one bill she would make sure was paid was her phone bill. I called her and asked her if she charged something to ATT. Why yes she did...and since she was now telling me the story of the non-working current phone, how could it it not be a deal of the day to get.....a reconditioned iPhone! "Honey, it was only $49.95, they normally go for $300! Wasn't that a good deal?"

I liken this to the "here give this a little try" sales pitch from your neighborhood heroin or crack dealer. There is absolutely no difference. In either product or marketing plan. Don't you agree?

I must digress for a moment. I, like a billion other people on this planet, have a cell phone. It is fairly archaic by today's standards even though it is only a year old. It has a $49.95 a month unlimited everything plan, does texting, takes and sends pictures, will accept cool ring tones, has a color display, and is Bluetooth enabled. So by saying that, I want you to know I am not advocating the return to communicating with sticks and clay tablets. But when I am not using my phone as a phone, replying to a text (minimal texting is my motto), or taking a picture of the moment, it is silently stashed in its pouch on my hip.

I can't watch YouTube, I can't make fart sounds, and I certainly can't use my phone as a leveling device. My phone is not an MP3 player or a bowling alley. It is a damn phone with a couple other features (the text and camera things). Period. I call it minimalistic need.

Back to the story. Now the iPhone arrives a few days later and yes it was only $49.95. A few days after that a rubber case for the iPhone shows up...$16.95. Then of course the data plan which you must have to use the internet...$29.95 per month addition to our bill! And the most devious thing of all...access to the freakin' AppStore!! No, don't get me wrong, there are a billion free apps, but you know, you just know, that there will be some $1.99, $2.99 charges showing up for some non-free apps.

My wife says a lot of funny things. This was one of the funniest, "Honey we'll decide together on any apps you have to pay for, okay?" Was this really a question? Was there a chance when I said "Okay" that I would ever be asked about buying an app from the freakin' AppStore? Was I really supposed to feel like a partner in the use of the iPhone? NO to all of it!!!

Periodically as I am checking our main bank account online I view the activity on her bank card. I have seen a couple App purchases and casually asked about them. Then when she excitedly shows me what she got, why she got it, and how cool it is, in that happy 20-yr old voice she can find for times like this, how can I not just love her to pieces and say "that's nice honey".

Now I only know two things about this whole ordeal:

1.   I am really scared to see the first bill (should be anyday now)

2.   I want one too! Shit. Some drank the cool-aid, some took the red pill, I just want to bite that fucking apple!

Of course there's an App you can get to write your name on a picture you've taken with the iPhone. She thinks this makes it all better...