Today's Apocalypse Sign: Warning: Do Not Attempt!

I know that sounds a bit ominous but it's really for the sake of sanity.

Tonight after a fairly busy day at work, I get a call from the wife (who is still at work) informing me that the prescription she has been waiting for will be ready in about 15 to 20 minutes. No big deal I say, I can walk the dogs and feed them...then leave for>>>>>WalMart.

Our Walmart has the drive through pharmacy (two lanes). I won't even have to get out of the car. The store is less than 10 minutes away (if I catch all the lights right). All good.

The ten million black birds circling the sky and filling every power line, transformer, and square foot of ground should have been been an omen. It felt absolutely Hitchcockian (to quote Owen Wilson). These birds dive and swoop, sit dozens at a time on parked vehicles, and are LOUD as shit!.

Anyway, I leave for the store a little after 5:30. Well, I didn't catch ANY lights and since I hate driving our standard shift Jeep it only made the trip more irritating. Stop. Start. Repeat. Shit.

I pull into the first entrance and wheel into the lane leading to the drive-thru. The usual dilema of calculation immediately presents itself...2 vehicles in one lane, one vehicle pulling up to take the place of a departing vehicle in the other lane. Pop quiz...which lane do you choose hotshot (lame Speed reference). I phone a friend...actually my wife since she got me into this. I had pulled behind the two-car lane when I called her based on this logic:

The one car in the near lane had just arrived at the window. The two-car lane should have the first car moving out next since it was their turn for service and the second would be pulling up to even the score between lanes. That car was a newer model clean looking car with only the driver in it. The first single car lane was a old beat-up mini-pick up with a Hispanic lady and two screaming kids. I could hear the attendant telling her she would have to sign some papers yada yada yada. I tell my wife all this thought process. Her answer: Stay where you are. Okay. I do.

I sit. I sit. I sit. Finally I decide to back up and move to the single car lane as there were still two cars in front of me and I didn't want some other car to take that other spot. Once I do that, there is more conversation between the lady and the attendant (on a side note, do we really need our situation broadcast at the volume necessary for anyone with in 50 feet to clearly understand what is going on?) I'm like, seriously???

Now the front car in the two-car lane finishes and moves out. Now we are back to even and do I want to look like a complete indecisive tool and move back to where I was. Doesn't look good, that lady now is reading a paperback book while she is waiting. WTF??? One poor English speaking lady discussing things with the attendant and one reading a book. I am doomed.

Still sitting behind the Hispanic lady with nothing getting resolved, I see the book reader pull the container out of the tube, take out something, and put the container back in the tube...I am already in reverse and ready to let out the clutch the minute I see reverse lights. Nothing. She looks like she is checking what she took out of the tube...and then I see her open up the book again!! Holy Christ...please shoot me.

Beat-up truck lady might as well put her vehicle on blocks...she ain't movin'. Book reading lady again goes to the tube and this time I know she is leaving...I finally see reverse lights and I punch it in reverse to move over to the lane just as she vacates. At last...

Not quite. The discussion between car one and the attendant in the other lane is still going on and I have to push the Call button 4 times before someone answers. A minute to get the name right (as my wife likes to sometime use her last name-hyphen-my last name as her high-society trick. The attendant finally gives up on what I am saying and asks for a birthday...then she says the name back to me perfectly clear. I want to punch the screen. She tells me how much it is and says she is sending a paper I need to sign for insurance purposes. Fine.

The tube comes (truck lady is STILL in lane one) I pull out the paper and sign it and send it back. Apparently I have contracted the stupidity of this dance and a minute later the attendant tells me I forgot to send the money...LOUD ENOUGH SO THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT CAN HEAR!!! Now that half the people at WalMart know I'm a moron, I sit there with people looking at me while the tube is s l o w l y sending the container back for the money. I throw in the cash and send it back. Seconds later my prize is in hand and when I open the container all the change goes flying all over the inside of the Jeep. <insert favortite f-word here>

Fuck it. I zip up the jeep window (one reason I hate it) and drive out into a flock of birds picking at bits of shit on the ground. They scatter and I feel momentarily happy.

The beat-up truck in lane one may still be sitting there...

**Weird occurrance on this trip: someone left two hotel room key cards sitting on top of the tube assembly in the drive-thru. Could this be a new trolling method??

I took them both. Bastards!