Open Letter To Holiday Card Companies

Dear Hallmark,

You are the biggest most well known card manufacturer and retailer in the industry. It falls to you to set the example for all the other smaller fish in the card sea. So here is the feedback from this consumer-by-proxy (aka, card recipient). I seldom buy cards but that fact is not really relevant to this post.

First, in the interest of full admission, I find this concern with other products that have nothing to do with your cards. But this does not enhance my displeasure with some of your products, it is merely a  addition to my annoyance overall.

What the hell am I talking about...GLITTER! Seems simple and harmless. Seems entirely avoidable as a adult. Kids cannot seem to get away from it and indeed may even revel in it. This is NOT the case as an adult. Certainly not as an adult male.

Glitter. Specifically holiday cards (most heavily, Christmas cards) seem to contain glitter. Not the funny and irreverent cards, but the solemn, religious oriented cards. Not to say glitter and religion go hand in hand but rather the thought must be that glitter MAGNIFIES the religious connotation of the season.

Glitter is insidious. Glitter does not adhere where intended. Glitter is forever where it is unintended. I wonder about the people who chose these solemn Christmas cards and the manner in which they handle them, sign them, insert them in the envelope and then pass out these holiday menaces. How do they contend with the inevitable glitter residue left after each card handling? Do they rent a Motel 6 room to do this dirty deed? I don't know.

This is the crux of the matter isn't it? The residue. I submit to you I still have glitter somewhere in the house, lodged in carpet, blankets, couch cushions, etc. from 10 or 12 Christmas celebrations ago. As I type I am staring down two flakes of glitter stuck in my table cloth. One red, one green. By turning my head just right and having the light above the table on, they reveal themselves. Then a fraction of the inch more and they are gone. The game of holiday hide-and-seek has begun for another year.

Of the few real cards I got (many were photo collages or e-cards) 4 of them contained copious amounts of colored glitter, primarily red and green of course. Just pulling them out of the envelope showers the table, floor, counter, or me with the stuff. This is going to lead to weeks or months of finding glitter on my hands unexpectedly. Which will result in glitter somewhere on my face. This is the burn of my angst.

Nothing makes a meeting at work like a co-worker telling you that you have "glitter on your face". How emasculating. And from there it goes to discovery in public places. I am constantly now checking myself in a Tourettes-like fashion when I get up from the table to ensure I do not carry the stuff with me on hands, arms, clothes, etc.

This year I not only got one card 70% covered in glitter but the ENVELOPE was encrusted with the stuff as well. What are people thinking??

I think by now you get the point. I would like to see a couple changes in your card making process. One, would be to eliminate glitter completely, the minimal loss of sales (probably none) would easily be offset financially by not having to purchase glitter.  Two would be to use a super glue like substance to adhere LARGE flakes of glitter (like maybe 4 per card) to the card.

I have advised all friends who insist on giving me these cards each year that I will not open any card containing glitter from this day forward. They are forewarned and therefore well aware of the penalty.

Now I must take the time during this holiday (read: minimal activity) season to get the Dyson out and vacuum the dog. His dumb ass rolled on the floor under the table and now he sparkles. Shameful.

Have a Happy New Year,

Chuck

Peace Out!