It hit 113-degrees here today in Garland, TX. I am not sure what the airport recorded but quite frankly I don't give two shits about that. The heat coming off the ground, I swear, was causing me to levitate. I take my dogs out for 5 minutes to do their business and they come back in and fall out on the floor like they've been drugged.
I thought today I would just share an email that was sent to me a month ago with humorous intent but has been a predicter of the future. Thank God I don't have a cat!
Dear Diary,
June 1st: Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
Its 113 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Just remember, you can't have hello without a little "hell". Now I really don't know what I'm saying. I am going to stick my head in the freezer for a while...goodnight.
8 comments:
The burns scare me!!! Ouch mama!!!
Haha, that's a really funny anecdote. But seriously, the heat can stop now.
I walked outside today and it felt like stepping into a pool of hot water.
Guess I shouldn't bitch about the heat here.
AWESOME
you made my day!
that is all
Ok, maybe I won't swap houses with you then.
Not because of the heat - I just don't think I can trust you to take care of my cats.
So darn funny! I don't know if I could take it.
this is the kind of thing that makes me very happy that I live in the land of no real weather. Hang in there buddy!
DAMN!!!! This is funny. I enjoyed it. REALLY enjoyed it. By the way, our grass is brown. The flowers have melted like wax, and the water bill has tripled. But, I love Texas.
By the way...hope the jail cell was cool. Heck, come to think about it, that would be 'heaven sent' about now. Let the taxpayers pay for my Texan comfort. LOL [kidding of course]
Happy Friday to you.
RAIN SCENTS
Copyboy: Having leather seats in this state has never made sense to me. Defines the saying, "having more money than brains".
TS: I am with you all the way on that one...day number 38 in a row today. A toasty 106 at mid-afternoon.
Captain: Quite right...you live in Canada! You shouldn't bitch about anything right?
PBJ: Periodically it is what I live for...making your day that is.
Cowgirl: You could be smart not trusting me with your cats. They have never tried to get along well with me. Must be my distinct oder of DOG!
Pat: Yes you are in the land of perpetual 60's.
Anni: I was actually thinking of you when I first read this. Funny is right. IF I weren't in the middle of it.
Post a Comment