Today's Apocalypse Sign: Bathroom Reading Can Be Harmful To Your Health

Like most guys I enjoy a good leisurely reading session in the bathroom. It is a quantum of solace you can rarely find anywhere else. You are almost assured to be left alone. No one to talk to. Just you and a good book/magazine/catalog.

I have a tendency to read through most of my bathroom magazines pretty quickly. The one exception is the stupidly over-sized GQ editions. You can build up a good tone in your biceps in the time it takes to get through that monstrosity. But this is not about GQ-training.

This is about a regular size magazine (one I get and read each month is Golf Magazine). I always finish them long before another issue arrives. Sometimes I am stuck in the bathroom with only completely read material. The other day I actually started reading some of the ads in the Golf Magazine as I had read the articles like three times. I opened the magazine right at the obligatory ED ad for Viagra. What the hell, I dove right in!

This was a full page ad that had a picture of a healthy looking black man maybe in his 40's sitting in a pensive state with the wording:

"You may be a man of FEW WORDS but you know how to make them count."
"When there's something worth saying, you say it."

"So if you're like millions of men who have some degree of erectile dysfunction (ED) talk to your doctor. Ask about VIAGRA,America's most prescribed ED treatment. 20 million men already have."

With every age comes responsibility. Important safety information.

Now comes the typical broad-spectrum warnings about taking Viagra and making sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.

The one that always cracks me up is, "if you experience a sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing call your doctor immediately." I'll pause for a second to let that one sink in. Okay time's up...if you can't see or hear, how the hell are you calling the doctor!!!

Anyway, all that is pretty typical so far for these ads, then there is always a back page that contains more detail. This is basically what you get on the sheet they staple to your prescription bag when you pick it up at the pharmacy. This is the new area of reading I discovered.

First you learn how to pronounce the product (vi-AG-rah) and its chemical name (sildenafil citrate).

Next you are warned again about not using if you are taking nitrates (could kill you).

Then the actual definition of erectile dysfunction (just in case you were not sure) "means a man cannot get or keep an erection." { Make sure you are not causing it by watching Biggest Loser or Jersey Shore. Both are known to create temporary ED}

Now it's time for About Viagra:
VIAGRA is used to treat ED in Men (as opposed to women??) When you want to have sex. (no kidding)
VIAGRA can help you get and keep an erection when you are sexually excited. You cannot get an erection just by taking the pill.
VIAGRA does not cure ED. (do you think Pfizer wants you to keep coming back?)
VIAGRA does not protect you or your partner from STD's. You will need to use a condom. (Killjoy).
VIAGRA is not a hormone or aphrodisiac.

Do NOT take Viagra if you use some street drugs, such as "popper" (amyl nitrate). (So gay men should not use the big V??)

Before you Start VIAGRA
Tell your doctor if you have ever had:

A deformed penis, Peyronie's disease (WTF?), or an erection lasting more than 4 hours (woohoo!).

Tell Your Doctor About All Your Medicines
Including other methods to cause erections such as pills, injections, implants or pumps. (And you thought just telling your doctor you had ED was embarrassing.)

Then the lovely side effects of VIAGRA

Headache ("Not tonight honey, I have a headache??)
Feeling flushed (result of orgasm??)
Upset stomach (does "coyote ugly" ring a bell?)
Trouble telling blue from green (this may only be bad in Avatar)
Blurred vision (the Viagra or the Tequila??)
Sudden loss of sight (see Upset Stomach above)
Sudden loss of hearing  (if you are married you may want to enjoy this one for a while even if you have to "fake it")
Heart attack, stroke, irregular heart beat, oh yeah, and DEATH!

How To Take Viagra:

One hour before sex
Orally (WTF?)
Only once a day



I think I had ED, once I got done reading this ad. For sure my legs were numb. Maybe I need a padded toilet seat.