Today's Apocalypse Sign: Apparently The World Has Gone To The Dogs!

Same friend sent me this one and I had NOT heard it before. Still laughing!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper", said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Monday Minute

Dang, I've been away from this for a while and everything goes to hell in hand basket. So here we go...


1 - Since so many of you were so willing to wrestle naked with another member of the same sex for a million dollars, let's say we double it to $2,000,000 and put it on PPV for all to see. Still willing?
Are you kidding me!! For $2million this would be no problem, hell,  I'll even do it in mud!

2 - You just found a $100 bill on the ground while walking around your neighborhood. What's your first thought to do with the money? Take it home, give it to my wife and saying lovingly, "Honey since I love you sooo much today, here's a hundred bucks to spend on anything you want." Oh, major points scored!


3 - Mother's Day is coming up has since come and gone. Name one thing you learned from your Mother that you'd like to share.  How to raise 4 kids (mostly alone) and not kill at least two of them.

4 - We all know that Nickelback, Kiss, Creed, Rush, the Foo Fighers and Axl Rose suck ass, name another band that should be added onto this famed list. Okay, I am taking offense to this assumption. I do not think any of these bands suck, let alone suck ass. So you can Rush to Kiss my Axl Rose. Foo Fighters and Nickleback just rock! Go ahead and say otherwise one more time. And I even like the Punch Brothers, so suck it bitches! With that said Janes Addiction is the biggest waste of space in a recording studio...or stage. Totally unlistenable. Period.
 

5 - Have you ever had a zit on your ass?
Since I'm still wound up about the last question why don't you go ahead and check for me!

Yeah, it was a rough day at work...can ya tell?

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Things Men Must Know

God bless friends who email you funny things that make you laugh even if you have heard them before...this is one that never loses its humor.


Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a
medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people
having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say, 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Today's Apolcaypse Sign: The "Week After A-Z" Graphs

More hilarity to end or begin your week. I never really know which it is for any given week. Anyway, enjoy these babies in the privacy of your own home.

Happy Mother's Day!



see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

Today's Apocalypse Sign: A Casual Day And Few Photos

With a little more than 30 days before I leave on my Fiji trip, I have spent some evening time trying out my new Nikon on sunsets. I even, quite by accident, discovered a unique look to a sunset (by forgetting to remove the FL-D filter before I went out) and wanted to share it.

So today after a long A-Z Challenge and a news week dominated by one topic, here are 8000 words for you to enjoy. Of course clicking to enlarge is mandatory!

Shot on 4/27/11

The Guardians

Alien

 

Storms A Brewin'




Shot on 5/4/11

FL-D #1

FL-D #2

No Filter

FL-D #3

PS. Blogger may be the biggest pain in the ass to work with when it comes to photo insertion and movement.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Yeah, It's A Good Thing

Ding Dong The Bin is Dead

Here is another, "where were you when you heard the news" moment in history. There are precious few of these in a lifetime so it pays to remember them.

The Kennedy Assassination: I was in my first grade classroom and they let the whole school out for the rest of the day. As a seven year old kid I was kind of scared. I lived directly across the street from the school and ran home to find my mother crying in front of the TV and they showed the news feed. It is a burned in vision I can see clearly just by closing my eyes.

The Moon Landing: I was a 13-year old at summer camp. It was hot that July day. My dad was the camp director. I remember being in a crowded room with a grainy B&W television showing the first steps on the moon. It was the most surreal thing I remember seeing.

The Disco craze: didn't partake.

The Space Shuttle Challenger: I was at work in Baytown , TX and we had a small rental TV on the counter and me and one other guy there were watching the whole thing LIVE. It was unbelievably tragic. Seemed like the images and replays never ended.

9/11/01: I was getting ready for work and walked into the room where my wife was had the Today show on. I missed the first plane hitting the trade center. The whole event seemed unreal at the time...then in the background behind Katie and Matt, the second plane hit the other tower. Then shit got real bad. I think everyone at that moment sensed that we were being attacked in a new and frightful way. Then the plane hit the Pentagon. I had the TV on at work the entire day. As we all know how that day ended.

Osama Bin Laden Dead: I was watching a recorded CSI New York from last Friday which ended a little after 10PM. Once I stopped and deleted the show I was back to live TV and breaking news on CBS talking about this event. I watched until 11PM, saw the president speak, the analysts analyze, the partying in front GW's house here in Dallas, and then felt really good.

This blog will serve as my way to remember this moment. As yesterday carried this story through the simulated attack graphics, the burial at sea (as a diver this offended my wife until I explained how it was a smart move), and the inevitable conspiracy "he's not really dead" theorists. There was a news clip here in Texas showing the father of the first soldier killed in Afghanistan. He said he wished he could have pulled the trigger himself and "would have given his soul to have done so".

I am glad Osama is dead, you bet. I do not believe this to be barbaric or inhuman as a feeling. I feel sad when a wild animal has to be put down for being nothing more than the instinctual creature he is. Bin Laden was human and acted inhuman. He encouraged, no, inspired, others to join in committing inhuman acts. We put people to death in prisons for far less atrocities then he committed. He was a bad seed and bastardized a religion to achieve the necessary impetus for his acts. Although I don't the like the idea of  an "Obama Got Osama" bumper sticker for 2012.

I hope they find much information on the items the US confiscated after the raid. I hope it leads to more elimination of these terrorists. Some say we are no better than them...rejoicing and chanting after killing an enemy. I say fight fire with fire. It is the only thing these misguided bands of thugs understand. They kill hundreds or thousands indiscriminately...when we do happen to kill one or a few of them it is the last resort. I for one thank the US military and CIA operatives who pulled off this latest coup. I am glad Osama Bin Laden is dead. God can judge how he feels about that down the road...I believe He is smiling.

Bye Bye Bin laden, wave to the nice sniper.

Did I miss any other "where were you moments"? If so I must not have been there. Let me know!

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Reflections Of The A-Z Challenge

This will be the last post for this A-Z Challenge 2011. Almost sad to see it go. You will notice the nice award from elizabethmueller.blogspot.com, which I appreciate very much. It was a good time and I still have so many blogs to get through before I am truly done.

To get the raw numbers out of the way first and quickly:

March 31st (End of day)
57 followers
5238 page views


April 1st (End of day) 
79 followers
5412 page views
This is due largely in part to Alex mentioning my blog on this first day. He speaks... people listen. Curiously out of 186 page views I only impressed 20 people enough to follow. Not complaining, just a curious note.


April 30th (End of day)
99 followers
6174 page views

**follower number 100 happened 5/1/11, he shall however remain N4M3L3SS

The A-Z challenge was exciting in several aspects.

I was determined to post each letter on the correct day and not get behind so the pressure was on. I had to focus daily because I did not have a theme or thread of any kind and I did not "can" a weeks worth of posts in advance. The whole month unveiled like a painting but without a specific completed picture as its goal. Each day was a piece that completed the whole bit by bit. I started several draft posts as words or thoughts came to me and worked on several "layers of the onion" simultaneously, adding daily thoughts to which ever one needed it. I am going to add a page to my blog with just the links for the A-Z challenge 2011, then 2012 and so on.

Another exciting part of the challenge was the checking each day to see the new faces of commenters and reading their take on the day's post. As I tracked the follower and page counts each day I could see the relationship between page views, followers, and the number of comments. It appears that many times there were a decent number of page views but surprisingly few comments. Whether this means that the post was not provocative enough to comment on or that the viewers simply had too many blogs to read (and still did not take the time to comment) I don't know. I would be impressed to know if anyone managed to read all 1282 blogs that signed up for the challenge. I do appreciate the additional followers, viewers, and commenters that stopped by.

Without a doubt the most fun was discovering new blogs to read. I'll admit I tried to get to 20 new ones a day but with the craziness that is my daily life I was lucky to get my post done, read previous day's comments, read the regular blogs I follow (and I even missed commenting on some of those, sorry), read the new blogs I had picked up from commenters, there were several days I didn't get to any new blogs! But I made a decision I would check out all the sites from each person who signed up for the challenge. It may not be quick but I'll get there.

I enjoyed seeing all the blogs dedicated to writing (the majority) and photography (the impressive). If I had that magical lifetime do-over, those are two career paths that I would have enjoyed. I am now a dabbler at both but still derive enjoyment from the keyboard and the camera.  Since the Mayan calendar in the upper right sidebar is at less than 600 days, might all be moot anyway, right? As long as I get to read Alex's sequel before then I will be satisfied.

I thought the month went fast. On March 31st I thought April would drag on, not the case. The Challenge made work go faster, knowing I had more work to do once I got home. But it was exciting work. Every day a mini-Christmas of sorts. I am proud to say I completed this endeavor.

Now this post has gone on long enough. It could go on longer, as people who know me could attest, but I know you have other summaries to read. I want to thank Alex and Arlee for a sensational turn-out for an idea conceived but a year ago. If all things that needed that fast of action and commitment in the world today had you guys behind them, life would be sweet...at least for the next 598 days!

Best wishes to all who consumed this month of April like a fine wine, and I'll being seeing each and every one of you either again or for the first time over the next few months.  

Take care.