Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Dreaded Vacation Prep

Exactly 2 weeks from now I leave the cozy confines of Dallas, TX and wing my way northward to the (hopefully) snowy shores of the Ohio coast of Lake Erie for Christmas Vacation. Oh yeah, my wife is going too!

I capitalize Christmas Vacation because with two weeks to go, my wife and I do this sadistic ritual of vacation preparation that has the potential to become a Chevy Chase-caliber movie. She and I are the lead roles, the two dogs are the supporting cast. Hilarity and slapstick along with possible injury are bound to ensue.

Last night we completed the task of ordering the family gifts. We generally decide on one type of gift and order different styles for each member of the family. Keeps us from over thinking and over spending.

We ordered online, huddled around the computer like elfin-geeks of sorts, and the two dogs tried everything (including untimely flatulence) to distract us. My wife kept sniffing and asking if it was me. After a tortured hour of "I like this" and "honey,that's ugly" and "whatever, get the one you like"...the order was complete. As usual we shipped it directly to my mothers house in Ohio so all we have to do is wrap when we get there. Pure genius!

Now today we are at defcon level 5 minus 14 days. Tonight we prepare the List for the dog sitters. Our canine versions of Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are overly spoiled and pampered. And...I've been in a panic for four days since we found out our stand-by dog sitter (with her new 4-yr old Boston male) was not going to be able to handle our 5-yr old male AND a 6-month old female. My wife took them to the sitters house on Sunday for a test and that lasted approximately 10 minutes.

Now what! No budget for boarding and I loathe doing that for lots of reasons. No plan B...we were flying without a net on this one. Holy shit we're screwed! Skipping the juicy parts, that all got resolved today and a huge weight is off my shoulders...but there is still 2 weeks to go. That sound you heard was me holding my breath.

Anyway, tonight we have to prepare the instructions for the care, feeding, pooping, sleeping, etc. of our two whack-jobs for an entire week. In a strange house with strange people.

Here is a brief sample of our canine comedy shop: dinner time involves a measured portion of organic dry food for each. Then a measured portion of holistic canned food (this shit is so tasty good smelling that after the apocalypse I'm heading for Pet Smart not Tom Thumb). The canned food is rather chunky so we finely chop it with a spoon. Then a little warm water stirred in and mixed to a nicely blended consistency and served. (Hungry yet?) All the while the dogs are sitting there watching like, "is it soup yet...how about now...is it soup yet?"


The two loonies eat on opposite sides of the kitchen. When they are both done (I've got this down to where they finish almost simultaneously)...THEN they go to each others empty bowl and spend 5 minutes licking.clean.stainless.steel.
 
I am sure we will argue over what the sitters will and won't be willing to do for us and the fact they are doing it for free we can't expect it to be like home...yada, yada, yada. The List will start out War And Peace-like and end up on a Post-It note. She will finish it and I will be watching Criminal Minds. Then we'll review it.

This should be the hardest day of the prep.

Next time, tune in for the fun home game of Pack It Or Leave it! that will take a few days to sort out.

If you are going home for the Holidays, travel safe. And if you are flying, wear lead underwear (that'll teach 'em).

Merry/Happy whatever holiday you celebrate.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: We Have Winner!

Elizabeth Edwards dies of cancer at 61

This headline jumped off the page at me as I was logging out of my windowslive account just now. I know I just heard this morning that the doctors had decided no further treatment would be productive. They never even mentioned on the Today Show that she was thisclosetodeath.
 
Though technically not a politician, being the high-profile wife of a philandering ex-presidential candidate (say that three times fast) I think fills my prediction from just yesterday of the genre of the third celebrity death in this threesome.
 
Wow! This all went so fast. In less than a week we had Leslie Neilson (actor), Don Meredith (sports legend), and Elizabeth Edwards (politico spouse) fade to black. This must be some kind of record.
 
Here is short clip on Elizabeth Edwards battle with cancer.
 


RIP Liz.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Never Doubt Me...Ever.

Well, for those of you that had no belief and more importantly, no bets in, we have Number 2 on our Holiday Threesome...and it didn't take long. I must say I was completely blindsided by this one as I listened to the radio today at work:

"Dandy" Don Meredith, former Dallas Cowboy QB sports broadcaster, dead at the age of 72 of a brain hemorrage.



I always remember Don Meredith for two things, 1) Green Bay beat him and the Cowboys in consecutive years ('66 and '67) to go to the first two Super Bowls, and 2) his wit and humor in the Monday Football broadcast booth while keeping Howard Cosell in line.

His last appearance I know of was singing the Turn Out The Lights song when Texas Stadium was imploded earlier this year. He will be missed.

In case you missed it the first time here is that implosion and Dandy Don doing his final serenade:



Don Meredith's party is over and the lights are out.

Now the question remains...who will YOU pick as the third member of the Threesome? I now have a feeling it will be a politcian. What do you say? Get your bets in now.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Weekend Graphs...I Made It Up To You!

Sorry about the last couple weeks. To make it up to ya, here are six graphs and 2 funny short vids to kick-start your funny bone.

Enjoy these on me!



see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs


see more Funny Graphs

Today's Apocalypse Sign: In The End Whoring Doesn't Pay (Usually)

Well the drawing over at Nat The Fat Rat has come and gone. As is my lot many times...I didn't friggin' win! So instead of this type of drawing for Christmas:

My wife will get this masterpiece



And apparently a magnifying glass!



Shorty, this ones on you...

Today's Apocalypse Sign: Still Whoring For A Drawing

Check out how good an artist Rachel Stratford is when it comes to pencil drawings.

This is one of Nat's dogs that Rachel drew. I know she could do great justice to my little Boston.

Today's Apocalypse Sign: The Holiday Threesome Has Begun!

Yep, we have hit that time of year again. No, it isn't Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Festivus (for the rest of us). It is the real life version (sort of) of the Three Christmas Spirits.

It is the Celebrity Dead Pool. The Curse of The Threes.

You know it or have heard whispers of it. When a big celebrity dies, there are two more coming right behind them. And when the first one happens right before December, you know 2 more celebs will not see the new year.

And to kick things off this year, none other than our beloved Leslie Neilson dies of pneumonia complications while battling a staph infection. I loved the movie Airplane and can quote most of it by heart. His comedic timing and sight gags were hilarious.

Watch the tribute below, it's worth it:




The question now becomes, who will be the next to fall victim of this Curse?

Will it be the always favorite Dead Pool candidate, Wilfred Brimley (TS, do you have your money on this one??) or will it be a dark horse such as the supposedly recovering Michael Douglas? Maybe a rehab long shot like Lindsay Lohan? The field is wide open. Hollywood. Sports Stars. Politicians.

So put your thinking caps on and enter your two votes in the comments. Somebody has to be right, right? Bonus points for guessing the method of death. Triple points for guessing the date.

I'm going with Sarah Palin, she will choke to death on her own foot. Curiously, no one around her at the time will know the Heimlich maneuver. However someone at the book signing will attempt a tracheotomy using the pen she was signing a book with. Fail.

And I'll also go with ex-president Jimmy Carter, again a choking victim...peanuts, what else. He will attempt to get the nut down by guzzling his collector's can of Billy Beer, but alas, that just makes matters worse. The combination of the two results in fatal anaphylaxis. Now the Republicans will again have the majority of ex-presidents by a 2-1 margin.

I look forward to seeing your selections.